HOME | DD
fragilemacabre — mescaline
Published: 2005-10-20 00:49:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 176; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 5
Redirect to original
Description
you wish you had a bullet but you'll never take the shot.how can something be there and then just not?
a city torn down by a hurricane
or the simple pressure of your hands on my waist
a labelside scratch on my favourite CD
or the fact that i can't forget the way you taste.
we're always on the lookout for number one
but the two of us are on the run
from the memories of three-am nights
it's a quarter past four and it's not gonna be alright
is it an inch or a foot? it's all the same tonight
never said it could be done without a fight
you can't forget about your past; i can't forget about today
what we want is always just in the way...
Related content
Comments: 6
I like this a lot, but I think it would benefit from a review of the rhythm, possibly. I feel like the cahnge in meter and length of the lines sometiems inhibits the reading of the poem. I think the problem with it lies mainle in the second and third stanzas.
And err, the fourth stanza is a bit cliched out.
I love the final couplet though.
And the first line.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Very, weird, I could say, I enjoyed it though. Speaks to teenage angst, and depression; like a good nirvana song, had that like pseudo rhyming pressure shot. Anger, anger, anger, was very prevealent here; you went with what worked, negative emotion, try and write something f'in happy for a change, please. To look at anger how you do, and take such rage the way you do; isn't healthy.
Love,
Brian
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
"Who are you tell me what I know, what to do--"
"A friend!"
"But who, Mark, are you?"
You should recognise that. And now I pose the same question.
Who the fuck are you to tell me these things?
Not about the writing itself, it's your opinion. But the "it isn't healthy" bullshit. The way I take these things out isn't by drinking, isn't by fucking, isn't by getting high, isn't by cutting myself. It's by working it through them in my writing. Would you prefer I write some sappy, cliche bullshit about made-up people and/or situations instead of working with what I get, which doesn't usually come in droves of happy (yes, that was grammatically bizarre)? Do you really think shiny-happy insincerity would be better than dark blood from the inside of the heart?
This wasn't about anger. It was sadness at a failed relationship. It was observations of how "things fall apart." The transitory nature of life, you could say. If you got anger it was because you imbued the words with that tone. In fact, there's some hope at the end, if you read it the way I hoped the reader would.
Anyway, I hardly write at all. Stupid fucks telling me I have to write the opposite of whatever I do write have made me quit writing entirely. Go, you? Whatever. Thanks for commenting.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I like the end half. The beginning is too emo-cliche-laden for my taste.
-Jesse
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I find it amusing that I found it the opposite way.
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
Less than a month!!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1