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          Chivalry may as well be called chauvinism. I mean it. All that talk of respect is manipulation by the patriarchy, man. I used to clean a café at closing time, and a boy I dated tried to help me. By refusing his help, I'm sure I set off an alarm in his head: this girl will become a major bull-dyke. We broke up; I expect to find out that he's gay.

          I swear that some boys have only dated me because they thought they'd see me macking on girls. They actually got bored when I liked their guy parts. Since when…?

          And lesbians won't date bi girls. They're either going to leave for boys, or are classified as 'LUGs'—lesbians until graduation (at this rate, it's usually high-school graduation). LUGs with jugs can usually find nice, manly women to take care of them.

           I also work as a librarian. The wonderful thing about civil service is that you get to meet and greet the public. If this is Bizarro world, that is, and 'wonderful' is a euphemism for 'need tranquilizer darts.' I've learned that when in doubt, grin at patrons while grinding your teeth into bonemeal. You have the power to yell at patrons—especially little tiny kids.

          "No popcorn!"

          "No cell phones!" (What are kindergarteners doing with cells, anyway? Seriously, they're not taking pictures of their hot play dates to send to their friends.)

          "No BREATHING! Get OUT!"

          My friends tell me I'm even beginning to look like a librarian now. I tell them it's very fitting with my personality; only librarians have the power to be so sadistic. If a patron is repeatedly loud, for instance, we'll take all the discarded books, make a bonfire, and put the kid on it. That'll teach 'em.



          One of the senior librarians is obsessed with People magazine. She hides in the corner and reads it. One day she picked up a magazine she thought was People; it was actually a recent issue of New York magazine, the cover article of which was about 'ambisexual' teenagers. The look on her face was priceless.

          Oh, about that. It's suddenly cool for girls to be bisexual. An attempt to make the term 'cooler' is replacing 'bisexual' with 'ambisexual'—basically, "I'll do anything if you give me enough liquor." Didn't girls like that used to be called whores?

          Speaking of whoring, whose idea was it to stick teenagers together in a room and teach them about sex? No matter how much you try to avoid it, the classes become—as one McNair teacher terms it—Porn 101. The only thing more pathetic than the lack of knowledge most students possess is the vast amount of knowledge I possess. Poor Mr. Realpe—he turns to ME to answer questions. I guess knowing when the G-spot was discovered and by whom, how to find it and what it does… all before being legally able to go to a sex shop… is a little surprising. Forget Dr. Ruth—Dr. Sus is here.