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Description
This is a piece about my neurological issues, mainly vertigo, but vertigo is not the only neurological issue. And my experience with eating. And the concept of “myself”
i talk about it and you can read it if you wish

———————————————————

So i play hockey, and ive had a handful of concussions. And around a year ago i think i realized how much i was actually affected by them. And since early December. My already mild vertigo had escalated to debilitating, i had the constant urge to sleep, it became much harder to remember things that i had no problem recalling before, my mood was affected, i had terrible near constant migraines, and overall just not good things. It was pretty shitty. And as of now, i feel like my memory and processing skills are lesser, i cant sleep (though that may be a side effect of HRT) and my vertigo has gotten worse. The medication i was on helped, but i ran out and they never refilled it. And now im here. I cant turn my head too fast or it’ll trigger a vertigo spell, i cant be in a particularly big room, or hear sudden loud noises without triggering a vertigo spell. I have to look slightly down while i walk so A. I dont start drifting to the side, B. So i don’t trigger a vertigo spell. I cant read for more than 20 minutes, and im dyslexic so i already had a hard time reading. I cant look at things that move too fast, flashing images, bright colors. Vertigo spell… it hasn’t been fun… ive had to cling to walls, i have to be very careful how fast i move, and how i walk. Bending down has become a balancing act… literally… my sense of balance is deteriorating… ive been so foggy that i was borderline delirious and experiencing derealization. Felt like i was intoxicated.

on top of that (please understand this is a hyper specific circumstance that you do not have all the details of, please dont rush to any conclusions, or any if that) ive been battling an eating disorder. And I haven’t been able to call it an ED till just under a month ago. And it took my friends talking to me… i didn’t even realize how bad it is. Ive been doing some research because i have to treat this, because i dont have the resources to go to a doctor. I do, however, have a therapist, she does not specialize in this, but shes helping me understand where it stems from… or really I tell her where it stems from. But what im suffering from is a relatively unknown disorder, and was only recently recognized as an eating disorder. It’s Avoidant or Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (or ARFID) and it stems from a lot of complex aspects of myself and the social environment i grew up in. And my friends brought up a very good point of “is this effecting your vertigo?” I was hoping it was… it doesnt… these are two problems separate from each other. Im sure theres some minor overlap like there is with everything. But ive been dealing with both of these. The vertigo ive gotten to the point of joking about, the ED i am extremely uncomfortable talking about… i hate it. But this is apart of my journey, and i am trying to fix it. And im going too.

this is just something, but there was one other time when i brought up potentially having an ED years ago. to my mother… she asked me “when you look in the mirror, are you skinny, or fat?” I answered, she followed up with “are you fatter or skinnier than (friends name)” she did that for a couple of my friends… she proceeded to tell me that i have a healthy BMI, and we could go check, and that she would be right… we did, and she was right… but she was wrong about eating disorders, so, so wrong. And its important that these things are talked about, properly. And let me emphasize. Properly. Because if we dont, we get responses like my mothers… you cannot tell how healthy someone is by their weight, or build. Because it is way more complex than just fat, and skinny.

I am finite… you know what that means. I have had a lot, in the past, and currently. I could write a book about what has happened and how its affected me. And if you actually read my posts, you may be able to piece it together. But i don't expect you to do that lol. But I've gone through a lot, and a reasonable way to come out of all of it, would be apathetic, jaded, unloving and unloved my oneself, self loathing. But i can confidently say i am none of those. Somehow the concept of “Fynn” keeps coming back when i am at my worst. And when I've reflected on this aspect of myself I've referred to it as “finite Fynn” because it keeps coming back, and i fear the day that “fynn” just doesn't come back. That it will be too much, I’ll break, and never recover. But I haven't done that yet, I keep coming back and I don't have an explanation or it. I don't understand it. I would say i am very in tune with who i am, and why i am the way that i am, and that i am subject to change when i deem it necessary. But “finite Fynn” is something I don't get. I don't know why I keep coming back. But I'm happy i do.

Description
This is a piece about my neurological issues, mainly vertigo, but vertigo is not the only neurological issue. And my experience with eating. And the concept of “myself”
i talk about it and you can read it if you wish

———————————————————

So i play hockey, and ive had a handful of concussions. And around a year ago i think i realized how much i was actually affected by them. And since early December. My already mild vertigo had escalated to debilitating, i had the constant urge to sleep, it became much harder to remember things that i had no problem recalling before, my mood was affected, i had terrible near constant migraines, and overall just not good things. It was pretty shitty. And as of now, i feel like my memory and processing skills are lesser, i cant sleep (though that may be a side effect of HRT) and my vertigo has gotten worse. The medication i was on helped, but i ran out and they never refilled it. And now im here. I cant turn my head too fast or it’ll trigger a vertigo spell, i cant be in a particularly big room, or hear sudden loud noises without triggering a vertigo spell. I have to look slightly down while i walk so A. I dont start drifting to the side, B. So i don’t trigger a vertigo spell. I cant read for more than 20 minutes, and im dyslexic so i already had a hard time reading. I cant look at things that move too fast, flashing images, bright colors. Vertigo spell… it hasn’t been fun… ive had to cling to walls, i have to be very careful how fast i move, and how i walk. Bending down has become a balancing act… literally… my sense of balance is deteriorating… ive been so foggy that i was borderline delirious and experiencing derealization. Felt like i was intoxicated.

on top of that (please understand this is a hyper specific circumstance that you do not have all the details of, please dont rush to any conclusions, or any if that) ive been battling an eating disorder. And I haven’t been able to call it an ED till just under a month ago. And it took my friends talking to me… i didn’t even realize how bad it is. Ive been doing some research because i have to treat this, because i dont have the resources to go to a doctor. I do, however, have a therapist, she does not specialize in this, but shes helping me understand where it stems from… or really I tell her where it stems from. But what im suffering from is a relatively unknown disorder, and was only recently recognized as an eating disorder. It’s Avoidant or Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (or ARFID) and it stems from a lot of complex aspects of myself and the social environment i grew up in. And my friends brought up a very good point of “is this effecting your vertigo?” I was hoping it was… it doesnt… these are two problems separate from each other. Im sure theres some minor overlap like there is with everything. But ive been dealing with both of these. The vertigo ive gotten to the point of joking about, the ED i am extremely uncomfortable talking about… i hate it. But this is apart of my journey, and i am trying to fix it. And im going too.

this is just something, but there was one other time when i brought up potentially having an ED years ago. to my mother… she asked me “when you look in the mirror, are you skinny, or fat?” I answered, she followed up with “are you fatter or skinnier than (friends name)” she did that for a couple of my friends… she proceeded to tell me that i have a healthy BMI, and we could go check, and that she would be right… we did, and she was right… but she was wrong about eating disorders, so, so wrong. And its important that these things are talked about, properly. And let me emphasize. Properly. Because if we dont, we get responses like my mothers… you cannot tell how healthy someone is by their weight, or build. Because it is way more complex than just fat, and skinny.

I am finite… you know what that means. I have had a lot, in the past, and currently. I could write a book about what has happened and how its affected me. And if you actually read my posts, you may be able to piece it together. But i don't expect you to do that lol. But I've gone through a lot, and a reasonable way to come out of all of it, would be apathetic, jaded, unloving and unloved my oneself, self loathing. But i can confidently say i am none of those. Somehow the concept of “Fynn” keeps coming back when i am at my worst. And when I've reflected on this aspect of myself I've referred to it as “finite Fynn” because it keeps coming back, and i fear the day that “fynn” just doesn't come back. That it will be too much, I’ll break, and never recover. But I haven't done that yet, I keep coming back and I don't have an explanation or it. I don't understand it. I would say i am very in tune with who i am, and why i am the way that i am, and that i am subject to change when i deem it necessary. But “finite Fynn” is something I don't get. I don't know why I keep coming back. But I'm happy i do.