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Going Up
Published: 2003-08-13 17:19:46 +0000 UTC; Views: 4661; Favourites: 30; Downloads: 1564
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Description
Going Up (Draft 3)An original story by Ben Rausch
This is the script to an eleven minute long animated film.
Scene 1
Int. small flat
Fade in to choker close up of a man (MAX) with his eyes closed. After a few moments the camera slowly dollies out to a long shot, while tilting up 90 degrees to reveal Max is sleeping. An alarm clock wakes him. Max gets up, puts on a black suit, grabs a black briefcase and leaves the flat.
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Scene 2
Int. Bus Day
Time lapse shot of Max looking bored, standing on a bus.
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Scene 3
Ext. Street day
Max gets off the bus and enters a large building
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Scene 4
Int. Lobby
Max enters and then goes into a lift.
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Scene 5
Int. Lift
Max pushes the button to go to the second floor. Stands waiting for the lift to reach it’s destination.
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Scene 6
Int. Second Floor offices
The doors of the lift slide open with a little ring. Max exits them and enters a very long corridor, with doors all along. Max walks along the corridor and enters the last door on the left.
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Scene 7
Int. Office
Max enters a small office. Sits behind a desk. Types on a PC. Cut to close up of numbers and columns streaming past. Time passes. Max leaves the office.
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Scene 8
Int. Bus Night
Time Lapse shot of Max sitting on the bus.
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Scene 9
Int. small flat
Max comes in, put his briefcase down, sits in front of the TV, Turns it on and watches it. Cut to extreme close up of images on the TV flickering.
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Scene 10
Montage
A rapid montage now takes place with emphasis on the sounds that accompany these recurring events in Max’s day. Wake, Suit, Case, Bus, lift, lift doors, computer, bus, TV.
This sequence is repeated thrice and on the forth time, after the elevator doors slide open, instead of Max’s usual offices there is…
CUT TO:
Scene 11
Short corridor
There is now short corridor in the place of the long one Max usually finds. There is only one door coming off it, which is on Max’s right, directly next to the lift he is in. There is also another elevator on the opposite end of the corridor with a number 3 painted on it.
Standing in the corridor, right in front of the elevator, there is a bizarre family; DAD – massive man with black rimmed glasses and his hair in a side path, he smiles at Max. MOM – seems euphoric to the state she looks deranged, she wears a fifties style dress, has a massive beehive hairstyle and smiles adoringly at Max. SISTER – Older than Max, dressed in cheesy eighties attire, she smiles at Max in a sinister way. BROTHER – A tiny boy, dressed in a black shirt and jeans, he stares up at Max in a mix between awe and fear. GRANDFATHER – Dressed in a suit, he shakes slightly and stares down at the floor.
MAX
(apologetic)
Sorry I seem to be on the wrong floor.
The family continue to stare at him with their fixed expressions. Max checks that he is in fact on the second floor. He is very confused.
MAX
Sorry I seem to be in the wrong buildin…
DAD
(overly excited, with the whole family staring at him)
Hey Max! We’re so glad you made it!
Family look to Mom.
MOM
(overly excited)
Yes Max! We’re so glad you made it!
Family look to sister.
SISTER
(Menacing)
Yes Max! We’re soooo glad you made it!
Family look to Grandfather.
GRANDFATHER
(Mumbling)
Yff mcks, wrrs gd u cd mkt.
Family look to Brother. Brother stands silent, still staring at Max. The Dad and Mom look worried about this, sister becomes more and more angry. Dad nudges the boy encouraging him to say something. He doesn’t. Eventually Sister’s growing aggression becomes to much and she lashes out at Brother who quickly steps aside so the sisters blow now hits Grandfather in the stomach. He lets out a mumbled cry.
DAD
(oblivious to the fact his daughter has just assaulted his father)
Well Max, shall we go inside?
Whole family instantly turn and lead into the room in this order: Sister, Dad, Mom, Grandfather and then brother. Max stands alone, shocked and confused. He checks again that he is on the second floor. He presses the button to go up to the third floor. Nothing happens. He presses the buttons to go to every other floor. Nothing happens. He gives up and goes into the family’s flat.
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Scene 12
Int. Family Flat
The whole family are seated around a square table. They are sitting in complete silence. Max slowly moves to sit in the only open space, been the one between Sister and Brother. The instant he sets himself down…
SISTER
(barking to grandfather in an authoritative way)
Get the food!
Grandfather, shaking, rises and leaves the room, through an unseen exit. Max looks about at the family bewildered.
MAX
(polite)
What’s happen…
Max is suddenly interrupted by a loud clanging sound. Grandfather father enters, shaking while carrying a silver platter with a silver tray over it. As he approaches the table to lay the tray down his convulsions have become so severe that he loses hold of the platter and drops it to the floor. Max is horrified to see a tiny dog runs out from under the cover after it falls. Sister violently stands up and screams at the grandfather in anger. She storms off the way Grandfather left. Max sits shocked. Grandfather looks ashamed as the rest of the family seem unaffected by Daughters outburst. As soon as Grandfather sits down again, he too seem without emotion. After regaining his composure Max once again tries to establish what has happened to his workplace.
MAX
As I was saying, I was just coming to work an…
Sister enters, cut to close up of her feet shuffling under weight and four huge grey paws suspended just above the ground. Cut to long shot to reveal she is carrying a massive grey dog with black spots on it. She lays it down on the table. It miserably stares at Max. Suddenly sister pulls out a massive cleaver and raises it above her head.
MAX
No!
He pushes the dog off the table, instants before the cleaver swings down on the spot it was on. Sister furious bends down to Max’s level and screams in his face, then charges out the room after the dog. Dad, Mom chase after, followed by Grandfather, who just before leaving the room, turns back to Max and screams at him weakly. Max, visibly shaken, sits beside Brother who seems uninfluenced by what has just happened. Max looks to the little boy, who returns Max’s stare. Max is about to speak when Brother hops off his chair and begins to dash away when Max grabs him by the shoulders.
MAX
(Frantic)
What’s happening here!?!
Brother is unresponsive.
MAX
(Calming himself)
Look I was just coming to work and then the offices were gone and you guys were there and the lift wouldn’t go anywhere and I just want to know what’s happening here.
Brother looks away from Max and in the direction of the table. He slowly raises his arm to point at something. Max turns to look at what the boy is pointing at. He sees there is now suddenly an old TV set on the table. Max slowly switches it on, the screen shows static but a voice is heard.
TV
(friendly)
Hello Max, I’m here to help. Get to lift number 3.
Max sits confused, looking at the TV, waiting for it to say something else. It doesn’t. He eventually gives up and spins around to Brother.
MAX
What does this…
Brother is gone. Max looking very confused slowly rises and makes his way to the exit.
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Scene 13
Int. Small Corridor (Floor 2)
Max exits the family flat, looking to his right, he sees “lift number 3” that the TV voice spoke of. He hears a yelp to his left and looks in that direction. He is horrified to see that, in front of the lift he came up in, the family (excluding Brother) are standing in a circle around something. There is a terrible yelping as sister viciously swings her cleaver downward, blood spraying upwards. Max lets out a cry of horror. Whole family suddenly look to Max. Sister raises her cleaver above her head. Screams at Max. Max let’s out another mortified yell. Sister runs to Max. Max runs to lift 3. He is almost there when he slips and falls, he gets up and starts to make his way towards the lift, but realises he lost hold of his briefcase when he fell. He turns back to get it and does so, but as he is about turning back to the face lift 3 sister reaches him and swings her cleaver horizontally, cutting through Max’s right shoulder. Max cries out, and lurches towards lift 3. It’s doors slide open on their own as Max approaches.
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Scene 14
Int. lift
He gets into the lift, falling against the wall in pain he sees sister is about to enter when the doors suddenly slide shut in her face. Max is in shock, but he is happy to have escaped with his life. There is only one button in the lift; a round one with a black, upwards-pointing arrow on it. Max eagerly presses this. He stands for a while, then looks over to his injured shoulder. The ring of the doors opening is heard.
DAD (O.S)
Hey Max we’re so glad you could make it!
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Scene 15
Int. Small Corridor (Floor 3)
Max slowly looks forwards and is terrified to see an identical set up to what was on the second floor. The only things that have changed is Sister is now no longer there and there is now a large number 4 painted on the far away lift in the place where there was a three previously.
MOM
Yes Max! We’re so glad you made it!
Max appears to be on the verge of tears and pushing the family aside runs to the number4 lift. He reaches it but the doors don’t slide open as before. Max looks all around for a button to open the doors, and finds the nothing. While Max has been trying to get into lift4 the family continue their welcoming as though Max were still standing in lift3.
DAD
Well Max, shall we go inside?
All lead into their flat in the same order they did on the last floor. Max runs to them and just before Brother enters the room Max grabs hold of him by the shoulders, pulls him aside and kneels down to his height.
MAX
(frantic)
Why wouldn’t the doors of the lift open this time?
Brother is unresponsive.
MAX
(pleading)
Please, tell me.
Brother slowly looks around timidly, then reluctantly leans forwards and whispers into Max’s ear as though he is telling Max a secret even he shouldn’t know.
BROTHER
You didn’t switch on the TV this time.
Max looks slightly confused for a moment then suddenly gets to his feet and charges into the room.
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Scene 16
Int. Family flat
The family (excluding sister and brother) are seated in silence around the table in the same positions they sat in on the last floor.
DAD
(towards the grandfather and now acting like the sister)
Get the food!
Max suddenly bursts into the room. He dashes towards the table and shoves the grandfather down, as he was rising to obey Dad’s order.
MAX
Could I rather see the TV?
DAD
The television?
MAX
Yes.
MOM
The television?
MAX
(Becoming agitated)
Yes, the TV.
GRANDFATHER
M vlvshn?
MAX
(Impatient)
Yes, the freaking’ television!
Family seem unaffected by Max’s out burst and simply stare at him for a few seconds. They simultaneously point behind Max. Max turns to see what they were pointing at, sees there is nothing and the quickly turns around, angered at this.
MAX
Wha…
As he turns back to face the family he sees they are now gone and the TV is in the centre of the table. Max switches it on.
TV
(warm)
Well done Max. In the lift you will find something to heal your shoulder.
Max smiles slightly, spins around, and dashes towards the door, but as he almost reaches it Sister dashes in, still bloodied and armed with her cleaver. Max stands frozen in a moment of terror, but then runs towards sister and rams his suitcase into her chest, pushing her aside so he can escape the room.
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Scene 17
Short corridor (Floor 3)
Max bursts out of the room and is shocked to see that Father is standing to his left, now also covered in blood and carrying a cleaver. He charges at Max, who runs towards and then jumps into Lift4.
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Scene 18
Lift
Max is out of breath. He finds a small white box in the corner of the left. He opens it up and inside finds amongst black cotton wool a tiny white bottle. He examines it for a while, then reluctantly takes a sip from it, he smiles and looks over to his shoulder, which has now healed. Max is smiling at his recovery, but then suddenly looks depressed again as he realises he may face the insane sister a father again on the next floor. After a moment of hesitance he decides to push the only button on the lift, that been a round button with the number 4 on it. The lift slowly ascends. The doors slide open.
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Scene 19
Int. Small corridor (Floor 4)
MOM
(Exactly as before)
Yes Max we’re so glad you could make it.
Everything is the same as on the last two floors except now both Father and Sister are missing and a number 5 is painted on the far away lift. Max violently pushes Grandfather aside and charges into the flat, as he enters it the screen is split, one half showing Max going into the flat, turning on the TV and listening to it, while in the other frame the family continue their greeting as though Max were still there. What is heard is now is the sound of the TV’s instructions.
TV
This time you’ll find new clothes and the key to this room.
In the flat frame, Max is seen dashing towards the door. As he exits he is seen exiting the flat on the other screen. Cut to a medium close up of Max running from the side. As he reaches the doors of lift5.
SISTER (O.S)
(Shouting)
Hey Max!
Max turns around and is horrified to see that on the other end of the corridor grandfather is standing by passively as Bloodied Dad is holding brother by his hair and Mother, now also bloodied, is holding a cleaver to the boys neck. Sister leans against the wall menacingly smiling at Max.
MAX
(frantically to Grandfather)
Help him!
Grandfather ignores Max and continues to blankly stare at his grandson been threatened. Max takes a step towards rescuing Brother, then stops himself and goes into Lift5.
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Scene 20
Lift
Max finds a change of clothes with a key lying on top of them. Jump cut to Max now wearing a black T-shirt and jeans. He quickly pushes the button to go up to floor 5, and while waiting for the lift to ascend shows mixed emotions of fear and determination. The doors slide open…
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Scene 21
Int. Small Corridor (Floor 5)
There is now a big “R” painted on the far away lift and only Brother and Grandfather stand in front of the lift doors as they slide open. Max dashes past them, grabbing brother’s right hand in his as he passes and dashes into the family flat. Grandfather stares ahead unresponsive. Then
GRANDFATHER
Yff mcks, wrrs gd u cd mkt.
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Scene 22
Int. Family Flat
Max and brother stand listening to the TV
TV
You’ve done very well Max. This is the last floor. In the lift this time you will find something to make sure you never lose something important again.
Max and brother look to each other smiling, then turn to leave, but see the menacing silhouette of Mom and her cleaver standing in the doorway. She advances towards Max and Brother as they slowly step backwards. Suddenly Brother releases Max’s hand and scurries towards Mom. He brings her to her knees with a kick to her right leg. Max runs at her and swings his briefcase through her face, knocking her down flat. Max takes brothers hand again and leaves the room.
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Scene 23
Int. Small Corridor (Floor 5)
Max and brother explode out the room and are immediately confronted by Cleaver Father. Max releases his grip of brother’s hand. Using his right hand he grabs Dad by the collar of his shirt and hurls him into the flat, shutting the door behind him and locking the door with the key he found in the elevator. Max and Brother look glad about their victory over the blood thirsty couple, but Brothers happiness soon dissipates as he notices something in the direction of Lift ”R”. Max is looking to Lift 5 where grandfather is standing staring back at Max. Brother tugs on the one leg of Max’s jeans and points. Max looks down to the boy, then up to what he is pointing at. He sees cleaver sister approaching them sinisterly. Before Max can stop him Brother charges at her and tries to plant the same kick on her that he used to bring Cleaver Mother down, but this time it does nothing. Sister stands above brother, smiling cruelly at his futile attempt. She slowly raises her cleaver above her head while brother stands, frozen in terror.
MAX
No!
Max charges at Cleaver Sister, swinging his suitcase upwards so it strikes her in the stomach sending her sprawling backwards. Max takes brothers hand again and they run past Cleaver Sister towards Lift R. On the way, the edge of Max’s briefcase catches against the wall and he loose grip of it, but runs on. Max and Brother reach the lift and the doors slide open. As they are about to enter the lift.
SISTER (O.S)
(almost seductively)
Hey Max…
Max slowly turns around to see Sister is holding her cleaver to his suitcase like a hostage. Max looks between Brother and his beloved suitcase. After seeing the boy smile up at him hopefully, Max turns back to go into Lift R. A violent ripping noise is heard. Max spins around and is horrified to see Sister has cut the suitcase. She giggles sadistically and does it again.
MAX
(pleading)
Please don’t do that!
Sister attack’s the case again, with two swift blows.
MAX
(frantic)
Please!
Sister does it again. Max releases brother’s hand and charges towards her. Max is about to reach her, when she suddenly throws the case behind her and swings horizontally at Max’s head. Max ducks down below the blade, which gets lodged into the wall. While Sister struggles to liberate it Max runs past her and grabs his case. Once he gets it he turns around and runs back towards Life R. As he passes Sister she puts out her foot and trips Max, He falls face down onto the floor and sister manages to pull her cleaver out of the wall. Max starts getting to his hands and knees but as he does so Sister suddenly swings the cleaver down into his back with a sickening thud. Max cries out in pain and starts frantically crawling towards Lift R. Sister again swings the blade into Max’s back. Brother begins crying. Grandfather is still standing passively. Sister continues to plunge her weapon into Max’s back as he painstakingly tries to crawl towards Lift R. Suddenly Sister is hit through the face with something heavy, knocking her out. Max looks from her unconscious body lying beside him, back in the direction of Lift R, and sees Brother’s legs standing in front of him. He looks up to see Brother proudly brandishing a pair of steel handcuffs.
BROTHER
(lift the handcuffs)
Found these in the lift.
Max smiles.
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Scene 24
Lift
Max and Brother happily slump into the lift. After a few moments of sitting side by side against the wall of the lift Max looks over to Brother and smiles.
MAX
(referring to the handcuffs the TV spoke of)
Well I guess we both know what these are for.
A few fast close ups of the cuffs locking then cut to long shot of Max sitting with the briefcase cuffed to his left hand. He pushes the button up. Max and Brother smile at each other as they wait for the lift to go up. It reaches its destination. The doors cling open. Max and brother exit.
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Scene 25
Ext. Rooftop Night.
Max, holding Brother’s hand in his right and the suitcase cuffed to his arm in his left, exits the lift onto a rooftop. It is night and there is a beautiful city skyline. The TV is also up on the roof. Max looks, then switches it on.
TV
(happy)
You’ve done well Max. As I’m sure you’ve realised you’ve been asleep. In each of your hands you now hold a very important item. If you want to wake up, all you have to do is throw one of them over the edge of this building.
Max stands in total despair he looks between Brother holding on to his right hand and the suitcase he has cuffed to his left. Brother just stares up at Max lovingly, as though he doesn’t realise that the TV has just instructed Max to throw him off the edge. Max miserably walks to the edge of the rooftop. Time lapse shot of Max and brother stranding on the edge, looking onto the city with the stars streaming past in the background. After a while the sound of the elevator doors opening is heard. Max in a panic, throws brother over the edge then spins around to see who came up in the elevator and is horrified when he sees who it is. Crying, Brother stands before Max. Max is very upset and confused. Brother looks at something on the ground to Max’s right. Max looks down and sees there is a pile of rope beside him. One end of the rope is attached to Max’s right arm, while the other is attached to whatever is plummeting towards the ground. The pile of rope rapidly becomes smaller and smaller as the object falls. Suddenly Max is pulled of the edge of the building.
CUT TO:
Scene 24
Blackness
Black screen with the approaching sound of a horrified scream. Suddenly there is a sickening thud.
FADE TO:
Scene 25
Fade in to choker close up of MAX with his eyes closed. After a few moments the camera slowly dollies out to a long shot, while tilting up 90 degrees to reveal Max is sleeping, wearing his suit. As the camera dollies out further it is revealed that Max is sleeping on the floor of the lift. The doors cling open, waking Max with a fright.
DAD (O.S)
(Overly excited)
Hey Max! We’re so glad you could make it!
THE END
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Comments: 47
No words. Spine-tingling. The ending is an execution itself.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
mmm very good. scary and tense, also holds your attention. well done!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
That was a really enjoyable read, I liked it a lot..! Really interesting and intriguing, would be mad to see as a live production or something...
Nice work 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
It probably doesn't really matter anymore, what with this being so old now, but here's some orthographical correction for the script, in case you ever need to show it to anyone again:
to reach it’s destination
its destination
on the forth time
fourth
becomes to much
too much
sisters
sister’s
been the one between
being
down his convulsions
comma after down
to see a tiny dog runs out
a tiny dog run out
Max let’s out another mortified yell
lets out
It’s doors
its
Max’s out burst
outburst
and the quickly turns
then
that been a round button
being
grandson been threatened
Being
Otherwise, I really enjoyed this a LOT. There is no way to download the movie, I guess?
Daniel
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hahaha. Thank man. Can I hire you to do this for me?
The film might be online for download in a few weeks. I'll let you know.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hah, I accept only sexual favours as currency.
But I'll be all too happy to do this for you any time. Just note me
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
I really need that. My creative brain tends to run way to fast for my spelling brain, which constantly leads to embaresment.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
O_o I.. Can't.. Think of anything that hasn't already been said.. Simply brilliant. ::applaud, fave::
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Holy shit, man.
This is absolutely amazing.
I'm going to 
I'm going to have nightmares, I know it.
You kick ass.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
wow... what a terrible story... but terrific. great job. i'm sure it's even better in visual form.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Wow.. well thought out stuff.. I'd really love to see this completed. Reminds me of something that you would have seen on the Sci-Fi Channel's show 'eXposure' when that was still running.. (is it still?)
Very good job!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Two words for ya: Tim Burton. Cool stuff here ^_^ Looking forward to the final project.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
would it end if he had chosen to throw off his suitcase instead?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Yea, the idea is that he'd wake from the nightmare if he symbolically given up his job by throwing the suitcase (and therefore himself) off the edge of the building. Becuase he instead throws the brother over, the nightmare continues.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
oh... and I'd say to all of you people, who are too lazy, that u should read this amazing piece!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Amazing piece. I could totally picture every detail... Sounds a it like Hellraiser to me, like a creepy endless circle... One could think a lot on it...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
It's a really good story, and really creepy. As a movie, it would be quite interesting to watch. The story does not make sense, in the normal way, but there is a certain twisted logic to the actions of the people Max meets and the voice from the TV, which makes it still possible to follow the story. The inhuman, almost insane personalities of the other characters, plus the fact they are family members, makes it seem very much like a nighmare.
I like the way you start this off, by first showing us what his normal, routine life is, and then making his family and a new corridor appear out of nowhere. It lets us know, early on, that the normal sense of reality does not apply to this story, and grabs the reader's (or the viewer's) interest early on. When his family members start behaving strangely, and the sister shows signs of being violent for no apparent reason, then the feeling of suspense builds. When he enters the elevator, the audience feels relief, because it seems that Max is finally safe, so that when he emerges from the elevator again and sees his family, it is a surprise to the audience, and it seems as if he might never escape. The TV offers some hope of safety and order, so it keeps the audience hoping that he might still have a chance of escaping into normalcy. (Did any of what I just said make any sense?) Anyway, I think that part was really well-done.
I found the ending a little disappointing, though. I liked the part where the TV turns out not to be such a friend to him, since all along I was expecting it to be the thing that saves Max. I found, though, that saying it was just a dream made me a little less interested in what happened next. If it was just a dream, then only Max is real, and so the fate of his family, especially his brother, woudn't really matter, and even if he died, it wouldn't matter, because it's not real. If this irrational world were real, it would make the story more horrific. As well, I found the part with the rope on the roof of the building confusing. The rest of the story made sense, in a twisted sort of way, but I can't fit this event into the rest of the story, or even be sure what happened. It seems, though, at the very end, that he is trapped in this world, and that whatever happens to him and his family does matter after all.
Definitely worth a +fav.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
wow, this is brilliant.
I don't really have anything to mention that hasn't already been said.
my only unique disagreement was with the picture, I imagined the mom to be more of a 50's television mom, this cheerful-looking, and nice...only blood-splattered and with a cleaver...
but you don't have to take me seriously.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haha, yea, that's exactly how I tried to get her to come accross in the film.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
the brother is the only human character in this... I admire youre manipulation of emotions in this script and son to be animated film. Its intense... especially the ending. I wish you could have given the brother and Max some dialog to cement their relationship and making it even more nailbitingly hard for Max to toss the brother off the roof. I dont think that costume change was neccessary. And why is he so devoted to his job, through the metaphor of the suitcase, even though we've seen the non life he has through the montage at the beginning?
I am going to spread the word on this, show my friends youre script. Its crazy and has one heck of a twist at the end. Theres no real end to it, is there? It comes full circle, and thats whats so unnerving about it. I am duly impressed by youre work! -crash
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Very impressive, i gather you worked hard on it.
Well done!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
OMG what is this?! this is just... friggin weird... wow
spread the word... you're fucking crazy! but good LoL
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Yeh,
and Kudos for even coming up with this, often this sort of thing can go beyond it's own absurdity and lose interest for the audience, but you've kept a frantic pace, with some really wonderful moments to let the audience really indulge in the two brothers. Superb.
Also, if ever this should continue, if someday you allow him to awake, would it be from the destruction of the Television? The moment on the roof reminds me of the 'Giant's Drink' scenario from 'Ender's Game' by Orson Scott Card, where an impossible task was set before him, and finally he violently refused to make a suicide choice, and was rewarded with freedom.
Just a thought, again, wonderful piece, good luck with all from here.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Cool story, I am in no way a writer, or a reader for that matter, but let me just tell you how I thought it was going to end. I thought faced with the desicion of which to throw off the building, the brother or briefcase, I thought he was going to take a clever and chop off his hand and throw the case over. I like yours better.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Quite bizzare and very impressive. I really like it, especially the end. The development of the brother is really good, I like how his role kinda changes. And concerning the white bottle vs bandages - I prefer the bottle, adding even more to the surreal part of the story.
The idea with the 'tv-guy' being in the elevator at the end sounds nice... though it would be cool (perhaps, dunno) if he left the elevator. maybe 'going up?', max, still sitting in the corner, trying to get the stuff he just 'dreamed' in the right order, nods. The man nods too, smiling a bit and leaving the elevator without any further words, pushing the button for max to go up (while leaving). I think that'd fit quite good in the 'lesson learned' theme...
I wouldn't really like to see a man in a black coat there... black coats always look like matrix or government. Perhaps something with the looks of a mortitcian (pale, largen, skinny, dressed in something undefinable black without any details) would be good. Again, I ain't sure about that. After all, it's your film, so don't take my stuff here to serious. After all, you're way better at this stuff than I am...
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Very good script. I fancy being a screenwriter also and I am also studying film. The script was great. Good character development. The only that bugged me, which I've never seen in a script or written in one was how you had a scene number for every different place he went. In a script, that can throw you off very easily. Writing down something like that is better in the pre-production of the film when you can take notes on the side and do a plan out of each shot and scene. And I would agree with FatBuddha about the part where they TV says, by now you should know you've been sleeping. That's something that doesn't need to be said. Either the audience gets it or they don't. And most likely, they will get it. Yeah, and I would agree with the whole drinking from the white bottle. I think bandages would be enough and he just wraps and wraps and wraps them around his arm. And then maybe that can play into another scene where he's running from the crazy sister and a piece of the bandage is kinda dangling off his arm, and as he runs from her she might grab it and slow him down a bit. Might add a little supsence you know. Anyway, that's all I can think of. It was an awesome story. I can't wait to see the finished product!
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just an idea that came to mind. (didn't think it through to well,so it might not be good.) You titled the movie "Going Up" which works with him progressivly moving up the lift. What if when awakes in the elevator there is another man in there wearing a black coat. Max sits up rubing his face, trying to grapple with what he just dreamed. The doors start to close and thats when we hear, O.S TV voice "Going up?"
This in place of the Dad saying "Hi Max.." Just a thought,
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Freakin' rad idea. I really like that, although I somehow need to integrate it with the fact that Max must still be trapped in the dream at the end of the film. What you've come up with is really cool, but I need a way to make that clear that Max is still dreaming.
I'll also take this oportunity to mention the alternate idea:
The film begins with Max running into a guys office, obviously very shaken. He starts telling this guy about what's just happened to him, and the film then begins as normal, but with Max narating. At the end of the film, after he wakes up he runs into the first office he can find and starts telling this random guy about this crazy dream he's just had (as in the begining). The dude look as max, blink and is then like "Ok. Can I get back to work?". Max turns around, opensthe door to leave, but the door just leads onto the corridor fromhis dream, and the family are all standing there.
DAD
Hey Max! We're so glad you could make it.
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Oh one more thing. You set it on his way to work, what about on his way home? You make a strong emphasizes on the pattern of his days. “Wake, Suit, Case, Bus, lift, lift doors, computer, bus, TV.” I think it would be better to break the pattern at the end, rather than the begging. “Wake, Suit, Case, Bus, lift, lift doors, computer, bus, lift, family, running, lift, family, running,… TV."
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Nice script beanmachine. I fancy my self as a screenwriter occasionally, and this is right up my alley.
About the ending. When the TV tells Max "I'm sure by now you know you are dreaming." I would leave that out. When you show us MAX sleeping in the elevator, we then know he was sleeping. If you just tell us outright I think it loses some of its cripticness (new word 
On the TV. Sweet idea. I love the TV. I would like to see it even darker. You have this anonymous character that we don’t really know whose side it is on. One way it’s helping Max through the whole ordeal, but on the other hand it is the orchestrator of the nightmare. That gives it great depth to be played with.
When he goes into the lift in scene 19 and drinks the little white bottle. I just didn’t buy it. He hadn’t been there long enough to just eat anything the catapillar handed him, like Alice, and I don’t think too many people are that trusting in this day and age. At the moment I can’t come up with any other alternative idea though.
Loved the grandfather. J Made me laugh every time I read his dialogue.
Well I hope some of this is even remotely helpfull. -fatbuddha
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i have no time now, but i'll pass by soon and comment.
i am screenwriting somethinf at the moment so this kind
of project interest me alot.
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Wow, that would be really cool, I can imagine it being something I'd watch. I think you could make it quite funny in a morbid kinda way. Nice one
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That would been a pretty cool script for an animation.
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Man, is that wierd
Tho i can imagine it being wikked cool
Don't really have any advice for it.
is it going to be in black and white like the pictures?
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Thanks dude.
Yea it's going to be black and white, although I wont be shooting it like that. It's just going to (like in your photography) going to comprise of all black and white 9and grey) objects.
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Umm.. wow, this guy is REALLY attached to his breifcase, isn't he?
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