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GraphiteColours — Idleness
Published: 2011-01-30 14:08:26 +0000 UTC; Views: 341; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 16
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Description
The sun warms your skin,Drowsing you with its
Golden nectar, a wave
Of summer idleness
As you lie among the
Gently feathered blades
Of yellow and green
Fanning in the stagnated breeze;
A downy haven, your asylum
From the pricklings of
Toil and industry and labour;
It would be far too easy
Simply to dream here,
Lost and drowned in the
Hazy fumes of your own
Soporific atmosphere
While the golden nectar
Churns slowly into charred honey,
Suddenly too sticky, too sweet -
So that when your muse finally
Passes you by, you mistake her
For an unwelcome stranger
Because you're already tangled
In these treacle entrapments
And blind to the sight
Of your own guilty indolence.
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Comments: 3
I'm surprised your work didn't receive a single comment :/
It was one of the best entries - as far as I got in the judging, your piece was currently on 2nd place, only 0,1 difference with the 1st place :0
Subject: Idleness; Sight; Negative
First Impression - It's an attention pulling piece, it asks for further analyzation. The capitalation at the beginning of every new line does annoy me a bit though.
Impact - This piece really describes idleness well. I really like the build up of the piece, in which the you-person falls into idleness without actually knowing it. To me, it feels this piece hits the nail right on the head, and trust me, I can tell how this idleness feels.
Vision - All subject variables are in.
Originality - The metaphor of the summer giving a lazy feel, the 'surroundings' described - that sounds familiar. The description of sunlight as nectar, and later in the piece, changing this nectar into honey which entraps the you-person, that sounds rather original, and at the same time, it gives a fine definition of idleness.
Technique - I can see you master this medium, you chose some beautiful words and used great and well working metaphors, such as the nectar and the charred honey, which depicts perfectly well the change of yet 'innocent' idleness into the trapping vice idleness truly is. My only advice is to not capitalize the first letter of every new line - capitulation indicates the start of a new sentence and it kind of pushes the punctuation you used to the background - it feels useless to end a line with a comma and then start the next line with a capital. To me it would look neater if there are only capitals used when actually needed. The constant capitals disturb the flow to me and I have to work harder to 'read' that some sentences aren't the start of a new sentence after all.
Build - You did do something with the build, nothing particular to say though.
Association build/style - I think the build fits the piece. Since the piece itself talks about idleness, laziness, the fact the sentences are cut short helps the reader and makes the job for the reader easier. This was probably mere coincidence, but it still fits
Challenge - I do think you challenged yourself when it comes to the choice of words, and I think you succeeded
Flow - The flow's nice, no comment really. Personally I like the final paragraph the most. It also feels rounded off well - the piece feels finished.
Extra mention - again I must compliment you for the amazingly well description of idleness, and the transformation of idleness to something worse.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Again, thank you for the detailed critique - I really appreciate it and I'm so glad that you liked it!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
