HOME | DD
gregterry480 — Dying: Chapter One
Published: 2014-08-04 19:49:58 +0000 UTC; Views: 3665; Favourites: 23; Downloads: 0
Redirect to original
Description
Chapter One: Nightmare"Anna?"
Anna snorted a bit as she woke up. At first she thought that the knocking on her bedroom door was only a part of her dream, but then she remembered how the past several weeks had been. With a small groan, she forced herself to sit up and light a small candle.
"You can come in, Elsa," she said with a soft yawn.
The door creaked open, and Elsa walked in, wearing a silver nightgown and a look of grave concern.
"Anna," she said. "You are alive, right?"
"Yes, Elsa," said Anna, with the same politeness she had when she answered the question every night. "I am alive."
"Oh," said Elsa. "I'm...I'm sorry to have woken you. I just..."
"You had the dream again?" Anna asked.
Elsa just nodded, and awkwardly turned to go back to her room.
"Elsa?"
"Yes, Anna?"
"If you want to talk about it, we can," Anna told her sister gently.
"I...probably shouldn't," said Elsa slowly. "I mean, it's the middle of the night. We should both get some sleep."
"I have a feeling you won't get any sleep if you go back to your room," Anna said. "You'll be too afraid of having to watch me die again."
Elsa turned away from Anna, but even in this light, she could see tears starting to form in the queen's eyes.
"Or, you could just stay and sleep with me," Anna suggested. "We won't have to talk about anything you don't want to."
Elsa didn't say anything, but slowly closed the door as quietly as she could, apparently not wanting to wake any of the castle's servants. She then carefully walked over to Anna's bed and sat herself down.
Anna studied her sister for a moment. Although Elsa had both a grace and beauty about her that came to her perfectly naturally, at the moment, she looked terrible. There were dark circles under her eyes, possibly from lack of sleep. Her hair was unkempt. And her facial expression looked like that of a person who had just seen a ghost.
"Oh, Elsa," said Anna softly, stroking her shoulders. "You poor thing..."
"I'm the Queen of Arendelle," said Elsa, sounding angry at herself. "I'm not...I shouldn't be losing sleep over...over dreams..."
"Shhhhhh," went Anna. "Everyone has dreams from time to time that haunt them. After...after our parents died, I kept having dreams where I was drowning in the ocean...or, even worse, watching them drown."
Elsa wiped her eyes and looked at Anna.
"I don't think you ever told me that before," she said.
"I...wanted to, but..." began Anna, not wanting to bring up that sore subject right now.
Elsa nodded sadly.
"I know why you couldn't," she said, looking down. "It's because I wouldn't let you."
"I know why you were doing that now," said Anna. "It's the same reason these dreams are keeping you awake at night. You never wanted to hurt me..."
Elsa swallowed hard.
"And yet, I did anyway," she said. "In fact, I...I killed you."
"Hey, I was only gone for like twenty seconds," said Anna, trying to act like coming back from the dead really wasn't a big deal. "And you didn't hurt me on purpose. You would never hurt me on purpose."
"What difference does it make at the end of the day?" Elsa said, unable to look at Anna now. "Accident or not, you were still...you were still..."
"Shhhhhh," Anna went. "It's okay..."
"No, it's not, Anna," Elsa said hoarsely, and she could tell that her sister was weeping now. "Every night...every night...I see...I see your dying breath...literally...I see it coming out of your mouth..."
Anna wasn't sure what to say.
"What if...what if it happens again?" Elsa asked.
"It won't happen again," said Anna firmly.
"But what if it does?"
Anna thought for a moment.
"Well, then we'll deal with it the same way we did last time," she answered simply.
"HOW?" Elsa almost shouted. "Anna, you're only alive because you were willing to sacrifice your own life to save me. If...if Hans hadn't been a traitor...if he hadn't had his sword raised above me...if you hadn't stopped him...you would've died for real. In saving me, you saved yourself without knowing it."
"Well, I suppose I have at least one reason to be thankful for Prince Hans now," said Anna, again, trying to make this grim conversation just a little lighter.
"But if...if your heart became frozen again," said Elsa, speaking as though she were forcing the words out of herself. "We...there would be nothing I could do...there would be nothing you could do..."
"Maybe I should start wearing chest armor if it will make you feel better," said Anna.
"I'm serious, Anna!" cried Elsa, finally looking at Anna and revealing red, tear-soaked eyes. "I can't...I CAN'T watch you die again! I...I would rather die than have that happen!"
"Neither of us are going to die, Elsa," Anna tried to reassure her. "Not for a very long time, at least."
Elsa didn't seem comforted by these words.
"Look," said Anna. "Lay down on the bed. Place the blankets over yourself. We can hug each other as we sleep tonight...just like old times. Would you like that?"
Elsa didn't respond, but she did slowly get herself under the covers.
"See, that's nice, right?" said Anna, lovingly placing her arm around Elsa's shoulder. "Now for the rest of the night, you won't have to worry about me being dead, because you'll hear me snoring. I've been told I snore very loudly."
She hoped that Elsa would at least smile when she said this, but instead she just stared at Anna, as though trying to convince herself that she was in fact still alive.
"Oh, Elsa," whispered Anna. "Your dreams really do seem that real to you, don't they?"
Elsa slowly nodded.
"As real as this feels," she admitted softly.
Anna gave her sister's arm a sweet kiss.
"You'll be fine," she said. "We'll both be fine. I promise..."
But she could tell by the horrified look on Elsa's face that she wasn't convinced.
"Our parents promised us that they would be fine, too," she said bluntly.
Now it was Anna who wanted to cry. But she didn't let herself do so. Instead she forced herself to stay awake until she saw her sister's eyes close. She swore to herself that she would stay strong for Elsa no matter what.
Related content
Comments: 10
I absolutely love this...but...but ELSA!
There is something that bothers me a bit though. When Elsa says that Anna would've died had she not chosen to throw herself in front of Hans's sword to save her, I don't think that's strictly true, and it negates the power of her sacrifice. Anna didn't know she was going to come back; she could have gone to Kristoff and that would have done it. Instead, she turned away from the only hope she had for herself to save Elsa. She chose to die rather than see her sister be killed.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Hey there. Thanks for your comment.
I'm not trying to imply that Anna knew that she would be okay after Hans slashed his sword into her. She was fully intending to sacrifice herself for Elsa. But, in a way, everything did work out because of Hans' betrayal. In fact, both times Elsa accidentally strikes Anna with her magic, it actually saves her life. The first time, it breaks her fall (she could've broken her neck otherwise). The second time, it's Anna turning into ice that saves her from Hans' sword killing her.
Would Kristoff's kiss have saved her? Almost certainly. But I think that both Anna and Elsa wouldn't know anything "for sure" about the magic that took place. I'm going to try to establish that in discussions between the two of them in later chapters, but I will try to clarify, since it may have seemed a bit vague here, that Anna "knew" she was going to die (even though she obviously didn't!) when she saved Elsa from Hans.
The real thing I'm trying to go for with this, and I'm not sure if I was successful with it or not, is that Elsa is haunted by what happened. She saw her sister die and cried as she embraced her "body," and even though she was only gone for a few seconds, it's something she'd be scared of happening again. It also makes sense to me that Anna would try to be casual about it, since she knows that Elsa would do the same for her in a heartbeat. But, obviously, as the story moves forward, it's going to switch from Elsa worrying about losing Anna to be about Anna worrying about losing Elsa.
I'm sorry for the rather lengthy reply here. I tend to get that way about my writing lol. But thank you again for your comment.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ok. I think I see what you're saying, thank you for clarifying that 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
I liked this piece. Dialogue-driven and poignant. I think you captured Elsa's and Anna's characters well. I'd agree with the below comment, that you could've included some more description in your narration and been a little more fresh. Don't be afraid to indulge the reader and elaborate. Of course, less is more, but you don't want your story to be too transcript-like.
If you're struggling to flesh out your writing, consider the five senses, characters' thoughts and feelings, setting, changes to mood...
I hope that helps a little 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
This is quite late to the party, but later is better than never.
Anyway, this was a nice read. This first chapter is fairly short, but what's good about it is that it introduces a lot of material that can be used in the future. As a literary writer, I would say work on the imagery. I'm not feeling as much emotion from Elsa and Anna as I want to. It's true that a lot of it is conveyed through the dialogue you're writing, which is good (and in character, as far as I'm aware). Not to mention most people who've read this have watched the movie before and will be able to recall the scene on their own and draw emotion from that.
Nevertheless, it never hurts to try at hand at imagery. Play around with the scene: describe Elsa and Anna's facial expressions, how they change at certain points. You can especially utilise this at points of dialogue with more impact. Also remember that imagery is not limited to a character alone, but to their surroundings. If used the right way, it can really help to set the mood and make your writing and the dialogue even more striking.
Having watched Frozen before, I'm able to say this idea is really neat. I was pretty disappointed with Frozen's end, in which everything seems to wrap up so nicely. Elsa's power (which had the ability to kill) suddenly becomes mellow and balanced, which didn't settle well with me. It's great to play on things like these and take them a little further.
Just a note, though--you might want to double-check your grammar. For example, Anna says: "Lay down on the bed." This is grammatically incorrect. The form you're looking for is "lie down on the bed." Otherwise, the spelling and punctuation are spotless. Toast to that!
Which brings me to another point. The dialogue is at times too stiff. Elsa and Anna are casual enough with each other in their speech, just like most people nowadays are. Try reading your dialogue out loud. "Lie down on the bed," which sounds somewhat awkward at first, can be shortened just to "Lie down." Things like "Place the blankets over yourself" are stiff and generally unsaid. As I said, reading out loud really helps. For this type of situation, where the characters speak just as we would... think: would I say something like that?"
Always do a final sweep for these kinds of things. Grammar, dialogue, etc.
All in all, great story. Very interesting plot so far, intriguing opening, and decent grammar and spelling. Which is rarer nowadays than you'd think.
I'll be checking in for more!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Remember, it's just fanfiction. Not official movie canon.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1