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Description
Borderlands is one of those games that seems universally praised. Like, no one hates it. So, then, what happens when the Grumpy Moogle gets a hold of it? First things first. Borderlands is a First-Person Shooter Role-Playing Game. So, Call of Duty with levels.

Guess we'll start with the graphics. Some people don't like the cel-shaded style, but I have no issue with it. Doesn't take away from the game at all. But, like what everyone else has said, the world is very bland. It's all desert-y and drab and dull and other four-letter "d" words. Dicks? No, no, that doesn't make sense. Oh well.

Controls are fine. Your basic console gaming FPS controls. Since I'm playing it on the PC though, there are a couple issues. First, quest text doesn't scroll. I have to use page up/page down for that. More importantly, the map doesn't move. I have to use the arrow keys for that. Balls.

So, story. There's a Vault ,and it's supposed to have tons of treasure. And you want it. That's...it. For an RPG, it has no story. All your quests are just "you have to help this guy because reasons". Sorry. You can't be an RPG without a compelling story.

But it has levels, right? Well..yeah. When you level, you get a skill point. And you can fight higher level enemies. See, there's this weird thing that some RPG's think they have to do. If you are a couple levels below an enemy, you deal absolutely no damage to it. It's a bad game design, completely, and this game takes full advantage of it. With your skill point, you can pick from three different talent trees. Every five points in a tree and you can pick something from the next tier. Pretty standard stuff. The problem is, I swear these talents do very little to affect your character. See, I like a game where your character is constantly progressing, and it's a noticeable progression. This game offers very slow leveling with very little benefit for each level.

But the guns! Tons of guns! Yeah. But again, the difference between guns feels very slight. The elemental bonus damages are cool, but it bothers me that certain enemies can only be damaged by certain elements. Which sucks, because you have limited weapons. Two to start. And you have very limited room in your inventory. I hate when games do that. And it's not even a "you have this giant space, and you put items in that space", like you would see in games like Diablo. It's "we gave you this limited room because we're evil, and that's it." At least in a game like Diablo, you have easy access to a vendor through town portals and waypoints. In Borderlands, you're stuck in whatever zone you're in, until you finish it. You find yourself dropping items to save room, usually dropping the cheapest ones so you can save the most money. Unless you want to run all the way back to the beginning of the zone, and then run back to where you are. Enter more terrible game design.

So what about the actual gameplay? Well, here's what I found myself doing. Enter a zone, and immediately find the nearest cover. See, basically what's gonna happen is, the game will send a wave of enemies at you. If you stand out in the open, you will die. Some people may think, "yeah, welcome to an FPS", but fuck that shit. It's boring. At least in Gears of War, the game tells you, "this is what you're gonna do. Here's a button that makes you jump behind cover." Borderlands is more like, "here's a ton of enemies, good luck." It would be ok if you were a lot stronger than them, but you're not. So, then, you're stuck peeking around a corner and shooting. But, you're shooting with a long range weapon. Hope you have a sniper rifle. Oh, but wait! Your sniper rifle has a 98% accuracy. You're gonna miss a lot more than that. But those guys firing at you? They got assault rifles, and can hit you at long range better than your sniping. Why? I don't know. It reminds me a little of Black Ops AI. Play multiplayer (I forgot what it's called) and play against the lowest difficulty AI. It will see you through walls, and never fucking miss. Yeah, that's Borderlands AI. I was standing at a high perch, looking around down below. There was a guy walking away from me nonchalantly. All of a sudden, he turns and immediately fires, hitting me. Because he TOTALLY saw me. And don't trust your compass. I cleared a wide open area, spending a long time to make sure every single area was explored. I got everything done, and walked up some stairs. As soon as I got to the top, three guys jumped out and shot me down. Hit detection is also pretty bad. I was standing in a doorway, looking at a guy on the other side and slightly to the left. There was nothing in my scope but the guy. I shot, missed. I emptied a clip and the guy not moving didn't take a single hit. Why? The shots were hitting the door. The door that wasn't in my sights and not in the way.

Oh, and since you're gonna die a lot, be prepared to put up with bullshit. Let me explain. The way the game explains "respawns", is that the little device you respawn at actually saves your DNA and basically clones you. You're not reloading from a save. The universe continues as normal, but with a brand new "you". The game did not have to do this. It could have just used your basic "reload from checkpoint". So, why am I saying this? Because when you respawn, EVERY SINGLE ENEMY IN THE AREA also respawns. You just spent an hour fighting through a ton of waves of shit, only to be gunned down by a guy you didn't see. Now you have to do it all over again, even though the game tells you that you're not actually "reloading". Did every other NPC in the game give themselves a "new u" in the two seconds it takes you to respawn? Because that's the only way the game can justify it. What would be nice if there were more checkpoints in these massive areas, but there are none. At least as close to none as they could manage.

Questing is boring and just basic "go kill these guys" things. Which I can get over, but what I can't get over is the fact that you're forced to do every single side quest available. Remember what I told you about the magical RPG level difference system? You're not gonna be able to kill anything if you're not equal level with it. And the main quest isn't gonna get you anywhere close to that mark.

Oh yeah. The classes' special abilities have way too long of a cooldown, that you have to save it for an emergency. But this game doesn't really care. If you're in a situation that you have to use it, you're already dead.

I think that's all I can think of. I didn't choose this game to inch forward and hope I don't die. That's a stealth game. I didn't want to play a stealth game. I wanted to play a beloved RPG/FPS hybrid, that ended up being incredibly lackluster. I give it a 4/10, if only because it at least tried to be revolutionary in its design and intent.

Bonus review. Borderlands 2. I'm gonna admit right here, I only played the game for two hours. It was free, and I don't intend to buy it to play longer. But here's what I got in that time. I only found pistols (seriously), and I fought two bosses. The first one, I ran out of ammo, because only pistols. The second one I died. Both bosses were the same. A guy on a large turret-like device, and an unlimited supply of adds. Very unoriginal, and very bullshit. These guys can fuck you up quickly. And you can never kill them, because they just keep coming. Terrible design. It gets credit for other things. The minimap, that also shows the enemy location instead of your linear compass. The class that I played, the assassin guy, had a cool special. And it didn't have a forever-and-a-day cooldown, so there's that. So, same score, why not. Fuck Borderlands.