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GutterFunk — Something Else
Published: 2011-08-09 16:41:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 237; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 5
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Description
quantum sentience buzzes with great excitementas the All breaks forth and seizes me;
It is happening.
the Shroud lifts and I am still here
but i am also there.
in naked bliss i behold
the equations of existence
searing through dimensional rifts
To etch their being upon my retinas,
something which can only be described
as "Something Else",
and my mind expands
to accomodate
this surge of
Greater Knowledge
as I struggle to grasp the basest
of what I am seeing and hearing
and feeling and being
stripped bare before
the cosmic eye
where nothing is hidden
I just Am.
and I was.
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Comments: 9
Quite the experience. Despite the lack of detail, I could almost literally see what was going on.
In the sixteenth line I noticed you say "the" twice, and I can't help but get the feeling that wasn't intentional (a typo, maybe?). If it was intentional, I'm not really sure as to the purpose or whether or not it's helping this poem. Having to read the same word twice breaks up the flow you're establishing in those last few lines rather jarringly, especially since it's at the beginning of that flow.
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yeah that was a typo. I left it in to see if it had any use and then I totally forgot about it. Thanks!
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Critique, as requested:
First off, I would like to congratulate you on your attempt to use Physics and Literary Theory references in your poem. It's not something usually incorporated in poetry: so in that sense, I should say it is very unique.
That said, I would like to inform you that this poem is unnecessarily abstruse, especially if my reading of it as a narrative dealing with the process of solving/having solved a mathematical/phsyics equation is accurate. While I get your cleverness in using terms like "buzz" and "sentient" as references to String Theory, I do not understand the point in the circumlocutory usage of the words "All" and the the obscurity of lines 3-4, 6-7.
I shall take the usage of the word "quantum" in the first line to be a reference to Quantum physics. (If it isn't, the point of its usage is highly unclear.) If it is a reference, however, then your use of the phrase "there is no Ego" is highly ironic when it is placed alongside that reference and the force of the last two lines, which come across as a reference to Descartes's "I think, therefore I am". Ego is thought, and Quantum physics argues for the free will or the choices atoms have the capacity to make in the way they react or behave in situations. However, if you are "paralyzed" and your capacity for thought is temporarily withdrawn from you due to the sheer force of your experience, then those references work against each other.
Also, while you have used punctuation, it is only perfunctory. Since punctuation influences manner of reading, I would like to believe that your use of no punctuation from lines 4-7 is an attempt to convey your breathless paralysis during the experience in your narrative. However, in that case, there should be a full-stop in the second line; a '-' after "Something Else" and "Greater Knowledge" and "anymore".
In line 8, I would suggest a change in word arrangement to add more force to that sentence: the way it is now seems to break the spontaneity of what you're trying to convey as happening to you. If you make it "I witness in sheer awe" instead I think it would allow the reader's thought to flow more easily after the tension in the previous lines. Also, I would suggest you repeat the line "I just am" twice instead of using "and" in the last line. You are trying to assert your being, no matter how contradictory to what you have said before - repetition would help assert it more firmly.
***
I hope this was helpful. All the best with your writing! I'd like to say, once more, that I really like the references you used, and the subject of your poem.
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This is helpful. To clarify the usage of "All" and "greater knowledge", those are references to Alduous Huxley's work Doors of Perception (and probably others). This poem is actually about an experience I had smoking DMT, a trip that was very full of fractals, sacred geometry, and perception of "something else". It is a very difficult thing to describe, so I can see how the uninitiated person might not get some stuff. When Alduous Huxley refers to the All, it is something which is difficult or rare to experience without psychedelics. It is that overwhelming awareness of being a part of the grand cycle of existence. Mostly, I was trying to describe that if that sheds a bit of light onto it. Also, I am quite purposeful of my punctuation (people are starting to catch on) and capitalization... it's becoming a bit of an element in my poetry style so I am grateful on the critique on that as well. Thank you very much for your time, I quite appreciate the shrewd eye and mind. I will be sure to let you know when I've worked this out better.
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I'm glad if it was any help.
I suppose it would help your readers if, in the comments section, you included a little note on your subject matter. It is not necessary, of course - one can interpret then as one wishes. But in that case, the references which make sense once the subject matter is mentioned would make no sense otherwise.
Like, for example, now I see more clearly what you were trying to say (though the manner still does seem slightly vague). However, if I wasn't for your comment above, I would have still believed them extraneous to what I had perceived as being your subject - the rush of solving a mathematica/phsycis equation.
I realize my reading concentrated more on the heightened sense of enlightenment achieved when one is successful at solving a problem, and that your reading might seem more natural. They both work, of course. How much better is hardly the issue. The issue concerns whether you want an accurate perception of what you are offering through your poem. If that is very important to you, I can only reiterate my suggestion of your using the comments box for a little note pointing your readers in the right direction.
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with the way I rewrote it, I feel like it's more obviously about a trip, but also I wanted it to be otherwise relatable to other mind -blowing experiences.
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