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harlequinscurse — Number 54
Published: 2007-07-14 05:50:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 124; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 4
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Description
Sleeping on glass pillows,Waking in your fighting stance:
A knife on the bedside table,
Never giving a second chance.
When will you realize
The day you win that battle
Is the day of your demise?
Defending so-called sanity.
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Comments: 4
Reminds me of this [link] though I believe yours is more forceful.
I see what ~SoothingAngel saying about 'opening it up', perhaps even more than she's suggesting, but I took it to be you speaking to some third person who is/was unwilling to open up.
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Thanks for your thoughts. I believe its original form was more effective. I wrote it more like this:
SLEEPINGONGLASSPILLOWSW
AKINGINYOURFIGHTINGSTA
NCEAKNIFEONTHEBEDSIDET
ABLENEVERGIVINGASECOND
CHANGEWHENWILLYOUREALI
ZETHEDAYYOUWINTHATBATT
LEISTEHDAYOFYOURDEMISE
DEFENGINGSOCALLEDSANITY.
...except the justification was perfectly even so it fit into a lined page as a perfect rectangle. It was written without real punctuation, except for a dot between clauses, wherever a comma or period is in the version I submitted here. A dot like you'd see in algebra as a multiplication sign. Also, the color of the text alternated blue and green, just for fun maybe, ha. I think I liked how difficult the paper version is to follow because it reflects how people struggle to see how their own actions contribute to their own suffering. I prefer chaotic format and content, so I prefer my original hand-written versions of my work, but these online interpretations do well in their own right, I think. Thanks again. I like the parallel in our pieces, too
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I love it, and I think it does convey that struggle. Why not scan and post it as visual poetry?
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Now, I am going to tell you my opinion on this only because I have one,
and by no means do you even have to really consider it. Keep in mind that I pretty much hate standard formatting because I think a poem should have room to breathe, room to live and grow and sometimes, capital letters interupt that.
I also think that this could afford to be written in first person.
If it wasn't meant to be personal,
then that's something different,
but don't be afraid to really identify yourself in your poems,
because I gaurentee you someone else has felt this way before,
and if they see I, if they see my or me they can more easily put themselves into the poem and relate.
Remember before, when I said don't be afraid to extend your metaphors even more? Don't worry about sounding stupid or weird, don't worry about it not making the most sense, just let the words have their way with your hands.
maybe like:
I am sleeping on glass pillows, streetlamp light
bounces off of them I wake
in a fighting stance:
a knife on the bedside table,
never giving a second chance.
When will I realize
that I have lost the battle,
that winning it is the day of my demise?
Defending so-called sanity.
but, again,
remember something:
your poems are your poems.
they are yours
and even though I'm a fellow poet,
you have your own style and way of doing things.
Basically all I'm telling you is that do not be afraid to just be out there,
don't be afraid to be inside yourself.
I promise,
it isn't so bad in there.
sometimes we find whole worlds in our bones
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