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Published: 2011-09-17 06:01:22 +0000 UTC; Views: 4435; Favourites: 99; Downloads: 37
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“He-Hey! Wait a sec! Could you guys tell me who they are?” It didn’t take long for the Haunter to catch up with his teammates. Seeing their worried faces, Noir hid his usual smile. Instead, he looked serious; he held his hands tightly and followed Leon and Meri to wherever they were going, staying silent. Although he didn’t know a thing, he knew something serious had happened.The three soon got to a place with a tent. It was tinted navy green. The holes on each side served as windows, they were covered by clothes with the same color. The door at the front was not locked, but was tightly sealed with a large zipper. Just next to the tent, the earth looked slightly different to that of the forest; the soil must have been raked smooth regularly. The area was enclosed with white, wooden fences. Around the far corner, you could find a rake and some farming tools. Some trees were planted here with several berries were hanging down, but all of them were covered by the snow. Not far in front of the tent, there was a piece of ground that seemed to be slightly burnt; wooden sticks and rocks were aligned properly around it. All of them were used and they were slightly dark like charcoal. There were no mistakes that some Pokemon lived here.
Leon and Meri rushed not to the tent, nor to the frozen berry trees, but to the farming area. They had not caught up with their breaths yet but they knew they couldn’t stop, someone need their help!
“Aelius! Anthea! Are you all right?” They were not there yet, but Meri shouted still, hoping to hear responses, but no, nothing spoke back to her. Although Meri’s head was purple in “Snowy” form, you could see that her face turned slightly blue.
Not far away, they saw two small bulges on the thick snow, they knew they must not have mistaken, those were what they were looking for. Leon dashed forward as fast as he could and sweat dropped from his head. He bit his teeth and dug his way down the two bulges.
“Please be alright! Please be alright!” He sounded like he was praying. Meri couldn’t help but tears soaked her eyes, she could only look as she didn’t have limbs, which made her even more anxious.
“Aelius, Anthea! Answer me! Wake up, don’t sleep!” Leon shouted under the pit. Knowing he found them, Meri quickly went down to see whether they were alright, but according to what Leon had said, she was not confident about the situation.
Noir peeked down the pit, only to see Leon holding two grass-type Pokemon, a Sunkern and an Oddish. Both of them were blue all over as if they had been frozen for a long time, the leaves sticking out of their heads had turned brown and were wilted. “No…” Tears poured down from the Castform’s eyes, her voice was so weak that it was barely heard. Leon closed his eyes. His ears flipped to the back like a sad puppy.
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Comments: 72
0okami-Rei [2011-09-17 16:44:51 +0000 UTC]
I love how you made their leaves wilt and shrivel up. The atmosphere is very apt....and Leon's soooo fuzzzzehh.
Anyway..
“He-Hey! Wait a sec! Could you guys tell me who they are?” It didn’t take long for the Haunter to catch up with his teammates. Seeing their worried faces, Noir hid his usual smile. Instead, he looked serious; he held his hands tightly and followed Leon and Meri to wherever they were going, staying silent. Although he didn’t know a thing, he knew something serious had happened.
The three soon got to a place with a tent. It was tinted navy green. The holes on each side served as windows, they were covered by clothes with the same color. The door at the front was not locked, but was tightly sealed with a large zipper. Just next to the tent, the earth looked slightly different to that of the forest; the soil must have been raked smooth regularly. The area was enclosed with white, wooden fences. Around the far corner, you could find a rake and some farming tools. Some trees were planted here with several berries hanging down, but all of them were covered by the snow. Not far in front of the tent, there was a piece of ground that seemed to be slightly burnt; wooden sticks and rocks were aligned properly around it. All of them were used and they were slightly dark like charcoal. There were no mistake that some Pokemons lived here.
Leon and Meri rushed not to the tent, nor to the frozen berry trees, but to the farming area. They had not caught up with their breaths yet but they knew they couldn’t stop. Someone needed their help!
“Aelius! Anthea! Are you all right?” They were not there yet, but Meri shouted still, hoping to hear responses, but no, nothing spoke back to her. Although Meri’s head was purple in “Snowy” form, you could see that her face turned slightly blue.
Not far away, they saw two small bulges on the thick snow. They knew they must not have mistaken, those were what they were looking for. Leon dashed forward as fast as he could and sweat dropped from his head. He bit his teeth and he dug his way down the two bulges.
“Please be alright! Please be alright!” He sounded like he was praying. Meri couldn’t help but tears soaked her eyes, she could only look as she didn’t have limbs, which made her even more anxious.
“Aelius, Anthea! Answer me! Wake up, don’t sleep!” Leon shouted under the pit. Knowing he found them, Meri quickly went down to see whether they were alright, but according to what Leon had said, she was not confident about the situation.
Noir peeked down the pit, only to see Leon holding two grass-type Pokemons, a Sunkern and an Oddish. Both of them were blue all over as if they had been frozen for a long time, the leaves sticking out of their heads had turned brown and were wilted. “No…” Tears poured down from the Castform’s eyes, her voice was so weak that it was barely heard. Leon closed his eyes. His ears flipped to the back like a sad puppy.
The first paragraph was well written. The dialouge was natural and the flow was good.
I was pretty happy with the second paragraph..seeing how well you explained the scenery....and then I kept reading and...
Limit the description of places/surroundings to a few sentences. Giving a whole paragraph worth of descriptors isn't the best way to keep your reader's interest. But I like the effort you put in there.
Most of the mistakes you made here were the commas and sentence structures...but I already mentioned them in the previous page, so I won't mention them again.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haychel In reply to 0okami-Rei [2011-09-18 01:30:08 +0000 UTC]
Thanks! Yeah, I wrote this along with part 5, part 7 was already done too at that time, so I figure I'll have to change the upcoming part now~~
I reckon it would be alright to describe their home a tad more, since I never told anything regarding it. I also want the living condition of Leon and Meri. As you can see, their home was not nicely built, so they may find a hard time fighting the cold weather.
Anyhow, I agree that the paragraph was kinda boring. Pure descriptions are definitely not what readers are seeking for~~
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
0okami-Rei In reply to Haychel [2011-09-18 04:55:20 +0000 UTC]
I see. Well, desciptions don't have to be boring. It's up to you how you want to write it. I'm not saying its boring--more like an overload of information. You could try linking the sentences more next time. Or describing all that you've had with fewer sentences. It's possible. ^^
I look forward to your next one!
I might not be able to proofread as fast though. I'm straining against time.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haychel In reply to 0okami-Rei [2011-09-18 05:05:51 +0000 UTC]
yeah, take your time, don't overload yourself~
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
SinLigereep [2011-09-17 15:39:54 +0000 UTC]
QUICK, DON'T JUST STAND THERE WITH THEM, BRING THEM TO THE DOCTOR, THERE MIGHT STILL BE TIME!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haychel In reply to SinLigereep [2011-09-18 01:15:45 +0000 UTC]
The doctors were not there at that time~
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
KitsuneEXE [2011-09-17 15:30:34 +0000 UTC]
Oh no! That's awful!
I hope they don't die...but it's probably too late..,
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
5Birds1999 [2011-09-17 15:12:17 +0000 UTC]
i didn't read the description, but it looks pretty sad
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haychel In reply to Emeclipse [2011-09-18 01:01:30 +0000 UTC]
we'll know when part 7 is out, which is gonna be pretty soon.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Dendris [2011-09-17 10:06:26 +0000 UTC]
Even though Leon still has his cute fluff in this, this is so sad.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Dendris In reply to Haychel [2011-09-17 11:07:24 +0000 UTC]
But he's so cute, why you make him sad?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haychel In reply to Dendris [2011-09-17 12:50:03 +0000 UTC]
I didn't do it~~~ Blame Sorbet, no, blame PK!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Dendris In reply to Haychel [2011-09-17 13:01:45 +0000 UTC]
You shall all pay with you blood!...
And then part 7~ X3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haychel In reply to raptorgod9 [2011-09-17 09:50:29 +0000 UTC]
we'll know when the next part is out~
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haychel In reply to Drakel-X [2011-09-17 09:48:42 +0000 UTC]
I don't know.. yet~ DX we'll know later~
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Drakel-X In reply to Haychel [2011-09-17 09:51:17 +0000 UTC]
haha, oh n work more on your exams D:<
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Haychel In reply to Drakel-X [2011-09-17 10:29:05 +0000 UTC]
lol I will, but really, I don't have the drive to study~ I'm more than confident for 3 out of my 4 subjects though, so I can relax a bit for now~
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
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