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Published: 2010-11-26 00:01:02 +0000 UTC; Views: 8847; Favourites: 288; Downloads: 93
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Description
To be a fox again, slender was my frame for once in my adult years,the fat of my gluttony shed for a moment, like the athletic child I'd been.
Still, so hungry I bit and bat at the terrified rabbits, snapping a neck,
and so I began to eat a dear old friend of mine, none the wiser, poor Julia.
On the eve of our downfall, the cities stopped their incessant buzzing,
Rockets froze in the air, vapour and fire became a beautiful thing.
Some tired, bored creator, caught in a moment of whimsy,
Shifted our souls from one thing to the next, a wonderful game it must have been.
As a grasshopper, I perched on a tear in a paper door, playing my new instrument,
Strong smells, bamboo, earth and smoke. I was a nuisance,
My song was loud and urgent, I wanted attention.
As a cow my heart wept for my stolen children, belly fat again, I was swollen.
My integrity lost, imprisoned yet free to wander under the weight of pending execution;
Due date unknown.
I was no less alive than the grass I consumed so feverishly.
I soared down the coastal line as a gull, afraid of heights, I was so hungry again.
The ocean waved to me, bursting at the seams with silvery fish,
Too lazy, I ate something fried and soft from a polystyrene box.
I couldn't taste a thing.
Sticky and disgusting, hopelessly lost, I dragged my fat body over difficult soil.
I was only a slug, how could I have known the very ground would do me wrong?
My body bubbled and burst, painful, aware I was done for; I shifted again.
Lucky, I thought as a man. Once again I was fat and my joints ached, I was so lucky!
A metallic taste in my useless mouth, I could barely remember how to talk,
So very hungry, the fridge was full of sweating meat,
I ate all of it, and choked on every mouthful.
Related content
Comments: 100
Hello-Please In reply to ??? [2010-11-29 19:20:01 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for this brilliant critique! You don't know how great it feels to have someone who I consider a brilliant writer to take the time to read my writings! I can totally see what you mean about the second stanza, at the time of writing I wanted to throw the audience into the unknown with the first stanza and then bring about the structure of what was to come with the second. I shall definitely reconsider this based on your comments should I go for an edit! I'm also really glad you picked up on the themes and the idea that the narrative voice can not find satisfaction (and somewhat wastes the experience)
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noirre In reply to Hello-Please [2010-11-29 21:43:24 +0000 UTC]
Thank you for the compliment! I know a bit what it feels like, since I felt the same way when you commented on my poem.
And you are very welcome, I glad that you got something out of my thoughts.
I sincerely enjoy reading your work, and it's also very liberating to write critiques when I know that the author won't think I'm out to lynch him if it's not sheer praise.
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Hello-Please In reply to noirre [2010-11-29 22:43:55 +0000 UTC]
I think if you request critique you have to prepare for the worst!
Aren't we so nice to each other! haha
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QuirkyToothbrush [2011-10-08 04:02:48 +0000 UTC]
Your work has been featured here: [link] Congrats on the DD! You truly deserved it!
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Hello-Please In reply to QuirkyToothbrush [2011-10-08 19:58:36 +0000 UTC]
Hey awesome, thanks!
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QuirkyToothbrush In reply to Hello-Please [2011-10-08 20:41:50 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome..
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Vigilo [2011-09-30 04:16:25 +0000 UTC]
Congratulations on your DLD (and DD!). This was wonderful to read.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
DailyLitDeviations [2011-09-30 04:09:41 +0000 UTC]
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DLD (Daily Literature Deviations) in a news article that can be found here [link]
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by ing the News Article.
Keep writing and keep creating.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Emma-Fay [2011-02-27 17:44:59 +0000 UTC]
Every time I read this, I love it more an more.
I've never had a poem give me actual goosebumps before...you've created something really special here.
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Hello-Please In reply to Emma-Fay [2011-02-27 18:02:18 +0000 UTC]
Thankyou sincerely for reading, It honours me that you have found a connection with my writing!
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LadyofGaerdon [2011-02-12 11:31:46 +0000 UTC]
Wow. What a fascinating concept, and so well-written! The imagery is startling and vivid, and dripping with emotional resonance. Congratulations on the DD, it is well-deserved.
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LadyofGaerdon In reply to Hello-Please [2011-02-12 12:55:11 +0000 UTC]
You're very welcome.
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dragnixcatc [2011-02-12 03:53:41 +0000 UTC]
I wish I could write as well as you to be able to paint with such imagery and to progress so smoothly from one stanza to the next. The first line was an excellent attention grabber and then the last line was very nice and concluded it well. Very deserving of a DD
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Hello-Please In reply to dragnixcatc [2011-02-12 04:00:16 +0000 UTC]
Hey thanks for the lovely comment there, writing from your imagination isn't as hard as you think though, you just have to know what your poem is going to feel like and then what it's going to look like, then start writing!
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dragnixcatc In reply to Hello-Please [2011-02-12 14:33:33 +0000 UTC]
you're welcome =3 I think my writings start out good and then they just sound cliche or people lament that they are too long.
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Hello-Please In reply to dragnixcatc [2011-02-12 14:54:48 +0000 UTC]
Write for yourself! Think about how many bands out there are hated by some but adored by others. Everything has it's appeal in one way or another, as long as you are happy with it, it's all good!
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DeadloveCalling [2011-02-12 02:01:49 +0000 UTC]
i find this so interesting, the reincarnation theme brings to mind how simple life can seem and the hardships each life form faces. Beautiful <3
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Hello-Please In reply to DeadloveCalling [2011-02-12 02:55:18 +0000 UTC]
Hey glad it got you thinking, thanks for the comment!
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RingtailFox [2011-02-12 01:37:39 +0000 UTC]
Truly gorgeous work, I loved reading this. I hope that you continue with your poetry, I'd like to read more from you!
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luani-sehun [2011-02-12 00:40:55 +0000 UTC]
This is really nice inspires me to get back into poetry...kinda ;3
For some reason I was thinking too hard and found a within the poem but it was probably accidental XD
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Hello-Please In reply to luani-sehun [2011-02-12 02:57:16 +0000 UTC]
You should!
What do you think you found within the poem?
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luani-sehun In reply to Hello-Please [2011-02-12 03:36:05 +0000 UTC]
...Oh, sorry. I meant a pun. I'm kinda sickish and totally didn't pre-read before posting.
"...Still, so hungry I bit and bat at the terrified rabbits, snapping a neck,
and so I began to eat a dear old friend of mine, none the wiser, poor Julia."
So you were talking about you being a fox, and then brought up eating rabbits...and then the next line says "dear old friend" and I totally thought of deer as in the animal XD
But like I said. I was over-analyzing it.
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Hello-Please In reply to luani-sehun [2011-02-12 03:56:10 +0000 UTC]
No worries! You did over analyse a little there, however it is good to be perceptive and to look deeply into things, even if it's not always right every time
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luani-sehun In reply to Hello-Please [2011-02-12 04:05:03 +0000 UTC]
Yeah...maybe it's a good thing but recently it's not been helping me But whatever~ Lovely prose m'dear~
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brunette-from-oz [2011-02-12 00:20:09 +0000 UTC]
This is a writing that makes you love its creator!
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Hello-Please In reply to brunette-from-oz [2011-02-12 02:58:09 +0000 UTC]
I am feeling the love right now
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xxwriter [2011-02-12 00:13:15 +0000 UTC]
First off, this poem in particular was both enjoyable to read and interesting. I was drawn to how the whole poem tied around itself, engaging the reader in thoughts that would otherwise make us think twice about how little we actually take into consideration the objects that are just beyond our reach. Almost like a chain, connected by a bridge of similar desires, I liked how you smoothly connected unlike animals into this seemingly synonomous idea that you created. The usage of personification is always a plus in my book, when used at the right time. The last two verses are also beautifully carried out, closing the poem with a bold message.
Overall, gorgeously written.
~Amber
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Hello-Please In reply to xxwriter [2011-02-12 02:59:16 +0000 UTC]
I sincerely appreciate your comment and feedback here, thanks for the kind words as well
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