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Hidden-in-the-Mist — Pkmotions- Embry
Published: 2011-01-11 22:21:11 +0000 UTC; Views: 846; Favourites: 22; Downloads: 3
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Description
OHMYGOSH! A GIJINKA!!! XD Anyway...
Name: Embry
Age: 16
Likes: Sweets, Women, Halloween, Scary Things, the Dark/Nighttime, Reading, Candles, Plushies (shh. it's a secret)
Dislikes: Spicy Food, Fighting and/or Bug Type Poke'mon, Daylight, Uniforms, Cheese
Personality: Embry is the type dark. (Sorry, couldn't resist. But Seriously
Embry is the type to ignore you when you say "hi" as you pass each other. It's not that he's trying to be a jerk, he's just well, is but doesn't realize it so he often doesn't understand why people get so mad at him. The only people he's actually nice too are authority figures and his close friends.Attacks: Moonlight & Night Slash
Classes: Visual Arts & PE
Ability: Synchronize
Bio: Embry comes from a long running line of Espeons. Every Eevee born in his family purposefully only trained during the day in order to become one. Irritated with being pressured into envolving into the psychic eevolution, and the fact that since he was shiny (the only shiny in his family) when he evolved he would end up what he called "baby-poop green" he ignored his family's pleas and trained at night.
Eventually he evolved into the first Umbreon of his lineage. His family has a good amount of money and, in an effort to get him under control his family paid his way into the prestigious school and told him that if he didn't do well, he'd get no inheritance. Not that he cared.
Oh, since there was talk of him being a Gary Stu:
[ ] They are possessed by an angel
[ ] They are possessed by a demon
[ ] They are a werewolf/vampire/faerie
[x] They are physically strong.
[x] They have a rare hair/fur color
[x] Their eyes are an unusual color
[ ] This happens to be red
[ ] Their eyes change color
[ ] They have wings (Arm wings.)
[ ] They can grow extra body parts/shapeshift
[ ] They are immortal
[ ] (if a female) they have large boobs
[ ] (if a male) they are very muscular
[x] They are very attractive to the opposite gender.
[ ] They are telekinetic/pyrokinetic/etc
[ ] They have sixth sense/can mind-read/etc
[ ] They have an object of some sort that gives them powers
[ ] They have a special ability/power, but they don't know about it yet
[ ] They were bestowed/cursed with these powers
[ ] They are a healer
[x] They are from a very rich/royal family
[ ] They don't know that they are from a very rich/royal background
[ ] They have lost one/both of their parents
[ ] They ran away from home
[ ] Their parents are cruel, uncaring, abusive etc.
[ ] They witnessed one/both of their parent's death
[ ] They are part angel/demon/faerie/some other mythical creature
[ ] They never knew their parents
[x] They were abused/spoiled as a child (spoiled)
[ ] They are very attractive to the same gender
[ ] They have lots of friends/no friends
[x] They are emo/cutesy
[ ] They look much younger/older than they really are.
[ ] They are currently in a relationship
[ ] They have lots of morals and state them a fair bit for example: 'I would rather be with my friends than with my boyfriend/girlfriend' 'Nothing matters more to me than my friends/family' 'I wouldn't hesitate to die in place of a friend' etc. It's fine if your OC has these beliefs/values, but if they constantly say them out loud/preach them to others, then we have a problem.
[ ] They have a mental disorder
[ ] They have an emotional disorder
[ ] They struggle to stay sane (sometimes.)
[ ] They are a psycho
[ ] They have multiple personalities (Just two.)
[ ] They are very intelligent
[ ] They have hallucinations
[ ] They can summon spirits/demons/angels etc.
[ ] They have an unusual/unrealistic pet
[ ] They have a guardian spirit
[ ] They have a 'special type' of soul
[ ] Their soul is not the same as them
[ ] They can talk to spirits/ghosts
[x] Some part of their body glows (Also, another trait of their species) ( )
[ ] They have a rare/unusual name
[ ] They were born on an important date, such as New Year's Eve, Midsummers Night, The Winter Solstace etc.
[ ] They have a twin/sibling that they were separated from at birth/a young age
[ ] They are connected with a certain element
[ ] They are connected with a certain animal
[ ] They always dress like a certain 'label'
[ ] They look quite a bit like a character from a popular anime/manga
[ ] They are a race/species that is discriminated against/misunderstood
[ ] They have a certain power that is misunderstood/feared
[ ] They live/lived on the streets at some point in their lives
[ ] They are hiding from someone/something
[ ] They have a rare blood type
[ ] They cry blood
[ ] Certain noises/smells/situations/etc make their powers activate/give them a nervous breakdown
[ ] They are from a different country to where they live
[x] They are very mysterious/dark
[ ] They are very lively/happy
[ ] Their mood changes a lot/very quickly
[ ] They are very patient
[x] They are from a long line of (ESPEONS.)
[ ] They have a piece of jewelry/clothing that they always wear
[ ] They have amnesia
[ ] They have some sort of permanent medical condition
[ ] The have a curse upon them
[ ] They are involved in some sort of prophecy
[ ] They are 'the chosen one'
[ ] They have insomnia
Overall points: 10
Take points off your OCs overall score if they fit any of the following statements:
[ ] They smoke
[ ] They are an alcoholic
[ ] They are overweight
[ ] They are addicted to drugs
[x] They have a short temper
[ ] They enjoy bullying others
[x] They do not care much about others
[ ] They are emotionless
Point Reductions: 2
Final score: 8
___________________________________________
< 5 Anti-Sue/Stu
Your character may be a bit on the boring side. Of course, this does depend, but generally if they are scoring that low, it wouldn't hurt to 'spice them up' a bit.
6-15 Balanced Character
If your OC scored around here, then they are probably quite a well-balanced and interesting character. Those scoring in the higher end of this category may be a bit too much though. Oh look, he's even on the lower end of WELL-BALANCED.
16-25 Borderline Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu
We have a problem. You need to tone your character down. They are most likely a bit annoying to others, too.
26 < Mary-Sue/Gary-Stu
Related content
Comments: 22
Here are some errors with your Application:
Your character is too low a level to learn Moonlight and Nightslash is not within Umbreon's moveset
Remember Age = Level!
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Oh alright, I'll fix it next time I get the chance.
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lol Embry is cool xD
ya should come over and rp in the forums~ <3
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Embry looks awesome. I have a question regarding background information about him though. I will note it to you, I guess.
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ooh! Embry looks awesome. Embry's a Teokis student, correct?
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cool! (i got rezuka on my test. I am enrolling as Forte the Chatot. But I have to scan her in to the computer first)
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Yay, a shiny!
(I see there was a troll around?...)
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Yes indeed. Two, actually. Very irritating. One of my friends (who is also a troll, so three, I guess) tried to help me out, but they responded again when he wasn't online so I just blocked them and hid all their messages.
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Sounds annoying.
At least it's over. ^^
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:/ I'll start with the good stuff: the blue glow is kinda funky (though I could have sworn Umbreon had yellow bands rather than blue), I like the shape of his tail and you draw fingers pretty well (can't see the whole hand but I'm hoping it's the whole hand that's done well under that sleeve
The wrinkles in his clothes are better than I could do, but still need work (there are tutorials around, they are very helpful). You should also practise anatomy to get the look of the body right.
I'm afraid that the character himself, however, is, to put it politely, a Gary Stu. He seemingly effortlessly makes it into a 'prestigious school' on a 'full scholarship', which would take extreme amounts of dedication and hard work for even the most intelligent of people; remember there is always very high competition for these places. He is the only shiny in his uber-special family of Eevees, so he is the rarest of the rare and then rebels against them to be a different type for the first time ever (the rebelling is understandable I suppose, he is a teenager but added with all of the rest it becomes just another Stu-card, I'm afraid).
One way to recognise if a character is a Mary Sue/Gary Stu is by taking an MS/GS test (there are plenty around, go on Google) they are helpful and give useful suggestions. Another way is to just use your common sense; don't try to make him/her the Best Character Evar, and don't use a self-insert or character in an established fandom as your own, just changing the name (admittedly to my eternal shame I once did this with L from Death Note. After about a page of writing I realised how rubbish it was and resolved never to do it again).
Also, just out of interest, isn't it actually up to the trainer and not the Pokemon what they evolve into, depending on how they are trained/what evolution stones are used?
Sociopath, 'pretty good person underneath' wut. I'm sorry, but I really have to quite vehemently agree with on this one. Sociopaths aren't nice. They have no empathy, no conscience, no feelings for other people. The only reason a sociopath would 'worry' about 'your skills' or 'want you to get better' is if it held a real advantage for them. Sociopaths simply do not care. So he's either a sociopath or a jerk who cares. I suspect that it would be infinitely easier to write 'jerk who cares' as you don't actually know what a sociopath is. Follow the links posted, they are very informative.
Good luck with future endeavours; try to create characters with more depth and I am sure you will find it a much more fun way of writing. Constructive criticism over, good evening.
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Okay, you see. You had a good approach to it. The way wrote his stuff was very, well, Troll. The thing is, he's already been accepted so it's better not to change him. Though I will say about the "sociopath thing" that I can't understand the stuff written on the few links I clicked, but I looked it up on dictionary.com and followed that discription of it.
As for the Gary Sue thing, tell me. What should I do to fix that? Isn't pretty much every character on the face of the planet a Gary Stu since it's very unlikely that anything at all hasn't been done?
And about the coloration, yes, Umbreon is yellow, but again, he is the shiny coloration which is a one in 8,000 chance that that will happen on the games and I'd rather focus on the special one than the other tons of Espeons in his family.
Trainer deciding what it evolves into: while that is true, he isn't a normal poke'mon. He's a Gijinka. He has no trainer, and no Poke'form. He's always the way he is in the picture.
I will, however, change some of his discription.
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I'm afraid I can't see how approached it as you've hidden the comments (just by the way, this will draw dislike from a lot of people as they assume the owner is being either childish or has something to hide), but thanks nonetheless. I try to give good points as well as bad, otherwise it can come off as a rant.
A sociopath is simply a person without a conscience; they will help others only if it will help themselves as a result. Many people think that they shouldn’t be given therapy because the overwhelming majority of them will not change, they will just learn more about human behaviour in order to manipulate better. Basically, they are cold, heartless bastards.
Hmm... Well, Gary Stus are often a phase that one grows out of during one's early teenhood. At least, that is hopefully the case. Really, you need to look at the character and see if he has enough bad qualities as well as good to make him human. Like… he could be insanely good at pottery but dyslexic. Bit of a far-out option there, but that sort of thing. A Gary Stu/Mary Sue isn’t a cliché – it is avoided like the plague by most authors, so it hopefully won’t have the chance to become one.
A Gary Stu/Mary Sue is essentially a ‘perfect’ character, or a self-insert. There are a lot of different types; for example, ‘X has been through so much – his brother raped him as a child, his mother’s a drinker, his dad committed suicide, he cuts himself and is very depressed but is a Really Nice Guy Underneath and is loved by everyone despite being a complete git to them. He gets the girl and saves the day and treats it as nothing because he’s cool like that. He’s also got no training but is an amazing fighter and never gets even a scrape’.
Alternatively, ‘Y is so lovely, she’s such a sweetheart even though she’s an orphan, but everyone hates her because she is so perfect and all the popular girls are jealous of her because she’s the one all the boys want, even though she is so nice to everyone.’
Those are only two examples out of the millions there are, but really any one-dimensional character can be considered to be one to some extent. The aim of characterisation is to create a fully rounded, three-dimensional character.
Although TVTropes is quite a silly, funny website, it is actually quite helpful on this one. It basically lists all of the different clichés and Sues/Stus etc. It’s not a bad thing to include clichés, though – they are clichés for a reason. But too many makes a novel a plagiarism and a character a copycat.
Ah I see. And yes, it is understandable that you would prefer to write about the different one – after all, it makes them the interesting one. It’s just the fact that this added to all of the rest makes him rather unoriginal. If it was just that, or if he was a normal one with personality problems it would make more sense, though as he is the shiny and wants to be something else whilst people try to force him into their mould, it is understandable for him to be a bit of a punk-ass jerk.
/end essay. God, I wish I could write an actual essay on this sort of thing – I’d at least get it finished for the deadline.
Good luck with your future endeavours!
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I see. I think he fixed it.
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Who fixed what? Sorry, just woken up - bit slow right now.
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Err. sorry, I fixed it. I think I fixed the gary stu and whatnot.
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Ahh I see ^^ good on you. Not many people actually do that; a lot of them sort of blow up about it and get very defensive, so seriously, good for you
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