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Description
So, for the final time (gods willing), here’s another bit of Twilight panart.
Panart is what you get if you start with zero and then subtract fanart. Negative fanart. Anti-fanart. Hate, in comic-strip form.

Yes, you are seeing that right: Bella and Edward actually move in this one. Sorry to break the habit of a lifetime (it’s only four years, but it feels like a lifetime), but stuff actually happens in this film! They actually do things and go places and it all leads somewhere. Now that Bella is dead (spoiler) everyone else seems to be acting more alive - RPatz actually talks like a person and not a robot, people smile, stuff like that.
None of which means it’s any good. Eclipse is still the only one that even resembles an actual movie. Like the rest, Breaking Dawn (part 2) is still an absolute, unforgivable, steaming pile of terrible, unwatchable awfulness - but, for the first time, it’s not actually boring.
Which begs the question why the hell part 1 was so utterly tedious? They split it in half to make teh moneys, obviously, but why did they split it at a point where nothing whatsoever happens in the first part and lots of things happen in the second part? Couldn’t they have put some of this stuff-happening stuff in the first one, so that I didn’t want to jam forks in my eyes the whole way through?
Well, whatever - it is what it is, and it’s finally over. The first one sucks balls and the second one also sucks balls, but this time they’re kinda interesting balls with a cool pattern and an unusual texture.

To quote Aro: “Ew.”

So, Ella and Bedward had a demon baby and it starts out as this horrible CGI abomination but, because it’s a half-living-half-stillborn-vampire-human-hybrid-thing, it grows really fast until it’s a little girl. Because it’s half dead, so obviously that makes sense. They worry for a while that she might keep ageing and die of old age soon, but that doesn’t really go anywhere and it turns out she’ll just age really quickly until she’s of legal age for whatever state they’re in, so that it’s ok for Jacob to bone her, and then she’ll stay that way, so that it’s ok for Jacob to bone her forever.
Also the girl has superpowers. Because she’s half dead, so obviously that makes sense.
Oh, and she's called “Renesmee”, which is Eddy and Belly’s mothers’ names mashed together in a horrible way. Just like my sister Peggytricia. Bella is furious when she finds out that Jacob calls the baby “Nessie” for short - yet she called it Renesmee! Vampires be crazy.

Then someone’s cousin (who probably isn’t actually their cousin, because vampires all pretend they’re family when they’re not) sees Esmerenee flying in the distance behind some trees and obscured by snow. So, like any loving cousin would, she goes to tell the Cullens’ mortal enemies, the Volturi. Don’t ask who they are - it doesn’t make sense anyway. Just think of them as the worst police force in the entire world, who don’t know how to use vehicles (that “walked here” line is not a joke).
See, children can’t keep secrets. So if you turn a child into a vampire, it has no idea that vampires are supposed to be a secret and just goes on a killing spree. So making a vampire baby is illegal, because vampires like being a secret for some unexplained reason. Impregnating a human is not illegal, however, but that’s only because everyone thought it was too sick and disturbing to ever actually happen. Cousin lady and Volturi superintendent Aro (who is Michael Sheen and therefore amazing) both think that Meresnee is the first thing, so they get an army together to destroy everyone who is anything to do with the kid.

When the Cullens find out about this, they do exactly what any innocent person would do if the police were coming to question them: they travel the world and collect an army of badasses.
Because the good-guys do know about vehicles, they have plenty of time to do this before the Volturi get there. They get a guy who controls the elements, a woman who controls electricity, their usual complement of massive werewolves, some actual Transylvanians, some African warrior women, a poser who still hasn’t gotten over the War of Independence, and a guy who broods in the attic and hates violence. I assumed that last guy was going to be revealed to be the biggest badass of them all but no, when the violence starts he just leaves and doesn’t come back.
The film keeps referring to these guys as “witnesses”. They’re here, apparently, to vouch for the Cullens when the police question them. Just pointing at Nemesree and saying, “see, she’s not a vampire baby,” is apparently not enough, unless you also have two-dozen random people stood with you when you say it. The Volturi’s army, likewise, are there to vouch for the police. It’s just like in real life!

Do you see how much crap I’m having to write? So much stuff happens in this one! It’s nonsensical, terrible, badly-written stuff, sure - but it is happening! Give me this rubbish over boring rubbish, any day.

At the big climax, everyone gets together in a snowy field and the Cullens point at Seremnee and say, “see, she’s not a vampire baby,” and it turns out that is enough, because Aro believes them and giggles like a freak and then tries to kill everyone anyway.
Y’see, Edward’s sister (who, like his cousin, isn’t actually his sister) can see the future, and that’s awesome. Aro thinks an awesome person who can see the future would be a real asset to the police force (he’s presumably not seen Minority Report), so the real reason he’s there is to force her to join them. Not by threatening to kill all her friends and her creepy fake family unless she joins them, but by killing all her friends and her creepy fake family and then asking her to join them. It makes about as little sense as anything else in this godsforsaken series, I suppose. I do enjoy the fact that this story was never actually about the main characters, though - they’re just minor characters in the much more exciting Alice Saga.

Then, amazingly, there’s a huge battle. It’s cheap and crappy, but not nearly as cheap and crappy as you’d expect. People get ripped apart and set on fire and the control-the-elements guy just pwns everyone, and it’s actually kinda cool. You don’t care about anyone involved, of course, because they kill Carlisle in the first few seconds, but it’s gratifying just seeing Stephanie Meyer’s poor excuses for vampires and werewolves get torn into little sparkly pieces. Then KStew and RPatz tag-team MSheen to death, and Bella pulls a flaming torch literally out of nowhere to set his face on fire…

…and it was all a dream. This was all just Alice’s vision of the future, which she was showing to Aro. Psych! This may even have been surprising if I hadn’t guessed it the instant someone first said, “You’ll never see the twist coming!”
After seeing that his future involves getting beheaded and burnt, Aro decides to let the Cullens keep both Alice and their walking abortion of a child. It’s all very positive and life-affirming.

But that battle isn't the only thing that's a dream, of course - this whole atrocious saga only exists because Stephanie Meyer decided to write down a wet-dream she had about some sparkly guy lying in a field.
After Aro leaves, Bella Swan actually takes Edward Cullen back to that colour-corrected dream field - which also appeared in the first film - and says, “I’ve got something I want to show you.” Then she shows him a psychic vision of their relationship so far - i.e. an unbearable fanservice montage of the other four films - and it makes you want to snap both their necks and jump on their sparkly, stupid bodies until they burst into flames from the strength of your hatred. This one was actually watchable (ish), but with this obnoxious, pandering, awful scene, you remember just how unwatchable three of the others were, you remember just how popular they are, and you remember just how much you want Stephanie Meyer to die. You stupid, stupid, awful, stupid woman. Just die.

Winner of the now-traditional best scene award goes to the weirdest section of the whole film (and that’s saying a lot).
Mortality in this series was always a blatant metaphor for virginity: Bella is constantly wanting to give hers away, and she’s constantly being told that she’s too young, that it’s too precious to waste, and that she’ll have to wait until she’s married. Now that she’s a vampire, she’s lost her mortalginity, so the series can finally address sex. And the way it does so is completely weird and messed up.
Bella wants sex, because now she’s a vampire so maybe this time it won’t hurt and injure her so much. But she’s got a baby to look after, so she has to wait. Then the others get home and she’s like, “Finally, I can have sex.” And Alice says, “I’ll take the baby tonight, ‘cos I’m sure you’re gagging for sex.” Then they all go into the woods, and the others are like, “We thought you guys might like a place of your own, for sex, so we bought you a cottage, for sex. Have fun having sex!” and they leave. Ed and Bella go into the house and assess its potential for sex. “Why’s there a bed?” asks Bella, “Vampires don’t sleep.” “It’s for sex,” says Edward, and they have sex. Later, after some more sex, Bella says, “Sex is amazing. I love sex. Because we’re basically corpses now, we don’t need to breathe and we don’t get tired so we can just keep having sex all the time. I don’t think we’ll ever stop having sex.” And then, hilariously, they don’t have sex.
The next day they go back to the Cullens’, and Emmett (the slab of raw meat that Edward pretends in his brother) says, “You’re back early from your sex. I thought you’d be having more sex.” And Edward and Bella are like, “We had lots of sex, though.” Then Carlisle - that’s Edward’s dad, for all intents and purposes - says, “Hey guys, you had lots of sex!” And his son responds, “We had sooo much sex, Dad!” And then they’re all like, “SEX!”

It’s bizarre, and not a little icky, but, like everything else in this one, at least it’s not boring. And, like everything else in this one, at least it’s the last time I will ever have to deal with this crap again. It's finally over! Goodbye, RPatz’ awful hair! Goodbye, KStew’s underbite! Goodbye, worst movie series in the history of mankind!
You will not be missed.

Note: Bitesize Twilight may be an abomination, but it kickstarted something in my brain and now I can't stop writing about films. If you like reading all this bollocks I write after the comics, then you might also like the Nerd Technologies blog, where there's even more bollocks to read. Some of it's about actual good films as well as terrible ones!

The Bitesize Twilight Saga:

Bitesize Twilight
Bitesize Twilight: Harry Potter does Ed Cullen
Bitesize Twilight: Sexy.
Bitesize New Moon
Bitesize New Moon: Sexier.
Bitesize Eclipse
Bitesize Breaking Dawn (part 1)
Bitesize Breaking Dawn (part 1): Alternative Ending
Bitesize Breaking Dawn (part 1): The Comparison
Bitesize Breaking Dawn (part 2)

Description
So, for the final time (gods willing), here’s another bit of Twilight panart.
Panart is what you get if you start with zero and then subtract fanart. Negative fanart. Anti-fanart. Hate, in comic-strip form.

Yes, you are seeing that right: Bella and Edward actually move in this one. Sorry to break the habit of a lifetime (it’s only four years, but it feels like a lifetime), but stuff actually happens in this film! They actually do things and go places and it all leads somewhere. Now that Bella is dead (spoiler) everyone else seems to be acting more alive - RPatz actually talks like a person and not a robot, people smile, stuff like that.
None of which means it’s any good. Eclipse is still the only one that even resembles an actual movie. Like the rest, Breaking Dawn (part 2) is still an absolute, unforgivable, steaming pile of terrible, unwatchable awfulness - but, for the first time, it’s not actually boring.
Which begs the question why the hell part 1 was so utterly tedious? They split it in half to make teh moneys, obviously, but why did they split it at a point where nothing whatsoever happens in the first part and lots of things happen in the second part? Couldn’t they have put some of this stuff-happening stuff in the first one, so that I didn’t want to jam forks in my eyes the whole way through?
Well, whatever - it is what it is, and it’s finally over. The first one sucks balls and the second one also sucks balls, but this time they’re kinda interesting balls with a cool pattern and an unusual texture.

To quote Aro: “Ew.”

So, Ella and Bedward had a demon baby and it starts out as this horrible CGI abomination but, because it’s a half-living-half-stillborn-vampire-human-hybrid-thing, it grows really fast until it’s a little girl. Because it’s half dead, so obviously that makes sense. They worry for a while that she might keep ageing and die of old age soon, but that doesn’t really go anywhere and it turns out she’ll just age really quickly until she’s of legal age for whatever state they’re in, so that it’s ok for Jacob to bone her, and then she’ll stay that way, so that it’s ok for Jacob to bone her forever.
Also the girl has superpowers. Because she’s half dead, so obviously that makes sense.
Oh, and she's called “Renesmee”, which is Eddy and Belly’s mothers’ names mashed together in a horrible way. Just like my sister Peggytricia. Bella is furious when she finds out that Jacob calls the baby “Nessie” for short - yet she called it Renesmee! Vampires be crazy.

Then someone’s cousin (who probably isn’t actually their cousin, because vampires all pretend they’re family when they’re not) sees Esmerenee flying in the distance behind some trees and obscured by snow. So, like any loving cousin would, she goes to tell the Cullens’ mortal enemies, the Volturi. Don’t ask who they are - it doesn’t make sense anyway. Just think of them as the worst police force in the entire world, who don’t know how to use vehicles (that “walked here” line is not a joke).
See, children can’t keep secrets. So if you turn a child into a vampire, it has no idea that vampires are supposed to be a secret and just goes on a killing spree. So making a vampire baby is illegal, because vampires like being a secret for some unexplained reason. Impregnating a human is not illegal, however, but that’s only because everyone thought it was too sick and disturbing to ever actually happen. Cousin lady and Volturi superintendent Aro (who is Michael Sheen and therefore amazing) both think that Meresnee is the first thing, so they get an army together to destroy everyone who is anything to do with the kid.

When the Cullens find out about this, they do exactly what any innocent person would do if the police were coming to question them: they travel the world and collect an army of badasses.
Because the good-guys do know about vehicles, they have plenty of time to do this before the Volturi get there. They get a guy who controls the elements, a woman who controls electricity, their usual complement of massive werewolves, some actual Transylvanians, some African warrior women, a poser who still hasn’t gotten over the War of Independence, and a guy who broods in the attic and hates violence. I assumed that last guy was going to be revealed to be the biggest badass of them all but no, when the violence starts he just leaves and doesn’t come back.
The film keeps referring to these guys as “witnesses”. They’re here, apparently, to vouch for the Cullens when the police question them. Just pointing at Nemesree and saying, “see, she’s not a vampire baby,” is apparently not enough, unless you also have two-dozen random people stood with you when you say it. The Volturi’s army, likewise, are there to vouch for the police. It’s just like in real life!

Do you see how much crap I’m having to write? So much stuff happens in this one! It’s nonsensical, terrible, badly-written stuff, sure - but it is happening! Give me this rubbish over boring rubbish, any day.

At the big climax, everyone gets together in a snowy field and the Cullens point at Seremnee and say, “see, she’s not a vampire baby,” and it turns out that is enough, because Aro believes them and giggles like a freak and then tries to kill everyone anyway.
Y’see, Edward’s sister (who, like his cousin, isn’t actually his sister) can see the future, and that’s awesome. Aro thinks an awesome person who can see the future would be a real asset to the police force (he’s presumably not seen Minority Report), so the real reason he’s there is to force her to join them. Not by threatening to kill all her friends and her creepy fake family unless she joins them, but by killing all her friends and her creepy fake family and then asking her to join them. It makes about as little sense as anything else in this godsforsaken series, I suppose. I do enjoy the fact that this story was never actually about the main characters, though - they’re just minor characters in the much more exciting Alice Saga.

Then, amazingly, there’s a huge battle. It’s cheap and crappy, but not nearly as cheap and crappy as you’d expect. People get ripped apart and set on fire and the control-the-elements guy just pwns everyone, and it’s actually kinda cool. You don’t care about anyone involved, of course, because they kill Carlisle in the first few seconds, but it’s gratifying just seeing Stephanie Meyer’s poor excuses for vampires and werewolves get torn into little sparkly pieces. Then KStew and RPatz tag-team MSheen to death, and Bella pulls a flaming torch literally out of nowhere to set his face on fire…

…and it was all a dream. This was all just Alice’s vision of the future, which she was showing to Aro. Psych! This may even have been surprising if I hadn’t guessed it the instant someone first said, “You’ll never see the twist coming!”
After seeing that his future involves getting beheaded and burnt, Aro decides to let the Cullens keep both Alice and their walking abortion of a child. It’s all very positive and life-affirming.

But that battle isn't the only thing that's a dream, of course - this whole atrocious saga only exists because Stephanie Meyer decided to write down a wet-dream she had about some sparkly guy lying in a field.
After Aro leaves, Bella Swan actually takes Edward Cullen back to that colour-corrected dream field - which also appeared in the first film - and says, “I’ve got something I want to show you.” Then she shows him a psychic vision of their relationship so far - i.e. an unbearable fanservice montage of the other four films - and it makes you want to snap both their necks and jump on their sparkly, stupid bodies until they burst into flames from the strength of your hatred. This one was actually watchable (ish), but with this obnoxious, pandering, awful scene, you remember just how unwatchable three of the others were, you remember just how popular they are, and you remember just how much you want Stephanie Meyer to die. You stupid, stupid, awful, stupid woman. Just die.

Winner of the now-traditional best scene award goes to the weirdest section of the whole film (and that’s saying a lot).
Mortality in this series was always a blatant metaphor for virginity: Bella is constantly wanting to give hers away, and she’s constantly being told that she’s too young, that it’s too precious to waste, and that she’ll have to wait until she’s married. Now that she’s a vampire, she’s lost her mortalginity, so the series can finally address sex. And the way it does so is completely weird and messed up.
Bella wants sex, because now she’s a vampire so maybe this time it won’t hurt and injure her so much. But she’s got a baby to look after, so she has to wait. Then the others get home and she’s like, “Finally, I can have sex.” And Alice says, “I’ll take the baby tonight, ‘cos I’m sure you’re gagging for sex.” Then they all go into the woods, and the others are like, “We thought you guys might like a place of your own, for sex, so we bought you a cottage, for sex. Have fun having sex!” and they leave. Ed and Bella go into the house and assess its potential for sex. “Why’s there a bed?” asks Bella, “Vampires don’t sleep.” “It’s for sex,” says Edward, and they have sex. Later, after some more sex, Bella says, “Sex is amazing. I love sex. Because we’re basically corpses now, we don’t need to breathe and we don’t get tired so we can just keep having sex all the time. I don’t think we’ll ever stop having sex.” And then, hilariously, they don’t have sex.
The next day they go back to the Cullens’, and Emmett (the slab of raw meat that Edward pretends in his brother) says, “You’re back early from your sex. I thought you’d be having more sex.” And Edward and Bella are like, “We had lots of sex, though.” Then Carlisle - that’s Edward’s dad, for all intents and purposes - says, “Hey guys, you had lots of sex!” And his son responds, “We had sooo much sex, Dad!” And then they’re all like, “SEX!”

It’s bizarre, and not a little icky, but, like everything else in this one, at least it’s not boring. And, like everything else in this one, at least it’s the last time I will ever have to deal with this crap again. It's finally over! Goodbye, RPatz’ awful hair! Goodbye, KStew’s underbite! Goodbye, worst movie series in the history of mankind!
You will not be missed.

Note: Bitesize Twilight may be an abomination, but it kickstarted something in my brain and now I can't stop writing about films. If you like reading all this bollocks I write after the comics, then you might also like the Nerd Technologies blog, where there's even more bollocks to read. Some of it's about actual good films as well as terrible ones!

The Bitesize Twilight Saga:

Bitesize Twilight
Bitesize Twilight: Harry Potter does Ed Cullen
Bitesize Twilight: Sexy.
Bitesize New Moon
Bitesize New Moon: Sexier.
Bitesize Eclipse
Bitesize Breaking Dawn (part 1)
Bitesize Breaking Dawn (part 1): Alternative Ending
Bitesize Breaking Dawn (part 1): The Comparison
Bitesize Breaking Dawn (part 2)