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I hate you.

I can't stand your existence, your company, your voice… it's all like a disease to me, one without a cure. Seeing you every day is like being forced not to battle my worst enemy, or being forced not to protect myself against a villain. I have people to take care of. I have a little sister, I have friends, and seeing you live day by day the way you do is like watching them suffer… and I'm tired of it. I hate you, and you should know it by now. But you don't, do you?

I love you.

I wouldn't be able to survive watching you die. The thought of you being eliminated from the universe tortures me. The way I can't stand you feels so awful, but I can't rid of it… although I would if I had the strength. I love you the way I'm supposed to, the way everyone is supposed to feel towards someone so close to them. But you don't know that, do you?

I feel sorrow towards the two of you.

Sorrow for all the things I've done, for how I've destroyed your futures, for how I've become a bullet in your minds. I hate thinking about what I've done and what I'll absentmindedly do, just to prove myself right. I feel regret, horror, depression, anger… because I feel wrong. I'm sorry. But you… neither of you… you don't know that, do you?

I'm proud.

I'm proud of what I've become. I'm proud of being a horrible person, the one who nearly killed you. I'm proud of the badness I've done to you two, and I'm proud of the fact that I frighten you… I'm proud of how I've built up the courage to speak, the strength to have an opinion, the power to stand up and shout without hesitation.
And you know that. Don't you?

I'm proud of being able to tell you what I think, what I know, what I feel... I'm proud of being able to stand outside of the shadows, to have the stupidity to let it out. I'm proud of myself. Because I can wake up knowing that I've expressed myself. I can fall asleep knowing that I don't need to disappear. I can hear my heartbeat without wishing it would stop, and I can breathe… I can breathe without crying. I'm proud of myself for being strong. I'm proud of reaching one goal, finally. I'm proud of myself for discovering the courage to say the one thing that bothered me for so long, the thing that sat upon my tongue for ages until I finally spoke.

I hate you.