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Published: 2007-07-25 13:14:54 +0000 UTC; Views: 4253; Favourites: 84; Downloads: 39
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Description
1.I watched
through six inches
of window, as the last
autumn leaf stretched, spun, and drifted
downwards.
2.
The door
swung wide open,
wet drunk on its hinges,
and you swept in – bringing winter
with you.
3.
You have
always been my
plague; a black nest of storm,
dragging a throng of reluctant
thunder.
4.
I swore
in the half-light
that I felt a tremor,
(though your touch was as light as a
feather).
5.
The wind
howled tooth and bone
around your peaked shoulders –
through biting hail, I watched the door
slam shut.
6.
My hands
were numb, and I
dropped my glass. Somehow, I
knew, your breathless season turned it
to ice.
7.
You loped
like a white hound
to the bar; when you poured
one on the rocks, I couldn’t stop
my laugh.
8.
I’d swear
(on the moonlight)
that I felt a tremor;
but your touch was as light as the
weather.
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Comments: 48
Inordinate In reply to in7rainbows [2008-11-13 02:51:28 +0000 UTC]
Thankyou very much — and thanks for the fave and watch!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
GraveDigger720 [2008-05-04 17:58:42 +0000 UTC]
This is absolutely gorgeous. It made me think and re-read it, which is the sign of a truly admirable piece of work. Just lovely.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to GraveDigger720 [2008-05-05 08:56:36 +0000 UTC]
Thankyou very much indeed! Just the encouragement I needed.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
imaginaryrain [2007-11-14 03:26:45 +0000 UTC]
Cinquains are definitely one of my favorite types of poems and this is amazing. Everything flows so nicely, but I especially love the first and last stanzas.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to imaginaryrain [2007-11-14 04:33:05 +0000 UTC]
It's a beautiful form, isn't it? It combines a number of things that I like about the shorter forms (haiku especially) with some of the laxity of the longer, more open forms. It's a really nice balance.
Thankyou for the comment and the !
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
demios [2007-11-12 06:57:21 +0000 UTC]
oh man, gorgeous. The last two stanzas give me a rush.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
SeaOfThoughts [2007-11-12 04:09:24 +0000 UTC]
great job. I really enjoyed the imagery you used.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to SeaOfThoughts [2007-11-14 04:31:00 +0000 UTC]
Thankyou very much, and for the , of course.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
xlightningbugx [2007-11-12 03:33:44 +0000 UTC]
oh god, this is amazing! i can't stop reading it; it's an addiction!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to xlightningbugx [2007-11-14 04:30:03 +0000 UTC]
As uneasy as I am about causing an addiction ... thankyou very much! I'm glad you liked it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Luis-Isevil [2007-11-12 01:55:56 +0000 UTC]
i just found your poem while skimming about, im digging the wordplay and imagery you use, kudos.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Ryous-lil-Hentai [2007-11-11 23:37:36 +0000 UTC]
This is just gorgeous! The language is beautiful and very powerful. You did a great job on this!
I'm in love with 6, 7, and 8.
Very very nice job! This is a well-deserved DD
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to Ryous-lil-Hentai [2007-11-14 04:29:15 +0000 UTC]
Thankyou very much, friend.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
sleeplessjewel [2007-11-11 20:38:35 +0000 UTC]
congrats on the dd this is a worthy piece. i know this is probably an ineducated question to ask, but what is the function of numbering the stanzas? and what do you feel that adds to the effect of the piece? the reason i ask is simply because it could stand alone without the numbers in my opinion.
also number 3 is my favourite!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to sleeplessjewel [2007-11-11 23:21:04 +0000 UTC]
That's an interesting question, and you certainly don't need to feel uneducated for asking it. I think I liked the structural clarity it gave me ... that is, I could think about the stanzas as almost separate little mini-stories. I think it could probably stand without them, but I like the disjointed feel they give it, as though it's a series of images, rather than a cohesive narrative. Kind of like the feeling you get when you're drunk, and sequential events feel unconnected. I think that's the feeling I was going for.
Thankyou for commenting!
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Buuya [2007-11-11 17:27:03 +0000 UTC]
I'm always so pleased when such wonderful poetry gets the reward it deserves
I particularly love stanza five; great imagery. You can feel that wind... I also like the repetition of the 'your touch.' Graet work
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to Buuya [2007-11-11 23:18:51 +0000 UTC]
Oddly enough, I'm quite pleased myself ...
Thankyou for the comments. It's great that you enjoyed it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
BertBlack [2007-11-11 15:09:31 +0000 UTC]
What a treasure of a poem to find!
Unfortunately for you i am feeling too ill and tired to form actual constructive comment-age (see?!) so you will have to settle for my absolute delight at finding this piece
It perfectly fits this Sunday's weather right now, but conjures up fantastical images and feelings that warmed (and cooled) my heart.
Thanks for sharing, a definate fave in my books
BB
x
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to BertBlack [2007-11-11 23:17:11 +0000 UTC]
Thankyou very much for the fave. I think I can settle for your absolute delight without stretching my faculties all that far.
I'm glad to hear you liked it so much!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
BertBlack In reply to Inordinate [2009-01-12 14:22:04 +0000 UTC]
You're welcome - it was richly deserved!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
chugglepuff [2007-11-11 14:29:57 +0000 UTC]
Great metaphor and you make sticking to the structure look easy. I love the twist on the cliché at the end. Congratulations on the well-deserved DD!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to chugglepuff [2007-11-11 23:15:45 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for the great comments, and the .
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Inordinate In reply to Negated [2007-11-11 23:15:07 +0000 UTC]
Thankyou! Don't you love that feeling of fave-ing something by one of the people on your devWatch, and then it gets a DD? You almost feel as though you've predicted it, somehow ...
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
MrCannonball [2007-11-11 14:18:44 +0000 UTC]
Dark and somber imagery. Fits the mood I'm in right now. I approve.
Congrates on the DD
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Amberlouie [2007-11-11 13:47:12 +0000 UTC]
so, so, so tasty.
The door
swung wide open,
wet drunk on its hinges,
and
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to Amberlouie [2007-11-11 23:13:33 +0000 UTC]
Tasty is an excellent word to use to describe a poem. I salute you. And thanks for the !
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
ThornyEnglishRose [2007-11-11 12:58:02 +0000 UTC]
This has some lovely imagery, and beautiful word choices. Congrats on the DD.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to ThornyEnglishRose [2007-11-11 23:12:51 +0000 UTC]
Thanks very much for the comments and congratulations.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
sanjana-soman [2007-11-11 10:58:50 +0000 UTC]
absolutely amazing..
thats some brilliant imagery you have there..
and congrats on the dd!!
freakish coincidence but i just posted this,
[link]
and then came across the poem five minutes later..
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to sanjana-soman [2007-11-11 23:12:16 +0000 UTC]
Thanks for your comments and congratulations. Funny coincidence about the photo, eh?
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
busTIKIT [2007-11-11 10:26:09 +0000 UTC]
i really like numbers 2 and 3, they are really beautiful
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
thatxgirlxpossessed [2007-11-11 09:55:43 +0000 UTC]
Fucking brilliant.
"3.
You have
always been my
plague; a black nest of storm,
dragging a throng of reluctant
thunder."
just ... brilliant. this definitely deserved a DD!!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to thatxgirlxpossessed [2007-11-11 23:10:49 +0000 UTC]
Thanks so much for commenting. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Laemeur [2007-08-28 03:24:46 +0000 UTC]
This is a very nice bit of language, here. I've never seen that particular form before, but I'm not really a follower of poetry. Still, I knows gud wurds when I seez um.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to Laemeur [2007-08-28 10:57:52 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, it's a bit obscure. Thanks, man! Much appreciated.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
killthemouse [2007-07-26 12:48:46 +0000 UTC]
I guess I kinda like this. The repetition of stanzas 4 & 8 is good.. got me to read it again and make sense of it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
killthemouse In reply to Inordinate [2007-07-27 06:09:48 +0000 UTC]
Also, Deviantart has a billion different options for viewing text now?!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Inordinate In reply to killthemouse [2007-07-27 14:49:40 +0000 UTC]
Yeah, it's totally crazy. I went with the novel black background until it started hurting my eyes, so now I opt for small Times New Roman on the normal bg.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
otterhare [2007-07-25 18:29:35 +0000 UTC]
my god, this is gorgeous.
your language is subtly powerful, especially like a white hound and The wind / howled tooth and bone / around your peaked shoulders. i am in love with 2 and 3, but really, all of this is amazing.
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