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IntricateSunlight β Flooding Rays
Published: 2013-09-18 23:14:49 +0000 UTC; Views: 269; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 0
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A toy car haphazardly turned over in a sunlit hallway. The sliding back door was open. Go out to the pool. Β Sunlight pours in a torrent. Hands shade eyes. Fall onto knees. All is dark.
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Comments: 10
The imagery is so crisp. I thought you were perfectly clear about what happened, though there is a slight vagueness about it. But to me the vagueness makes it all the better!
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That's what I was shooting for, being vague yet clear. So you figure it out on your own. As a writer, it's not always good to tell the reader everything. Sometimes it's best to withhold information so they use their brains a little.
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Exactly. I love it when writers do that. I've tried to do that in this latest short story I'll post up maybe tomorrow. Still think I was a little too clear, though.
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I'm sure you've noticed but I do this a lot. Being vague about things. Like in my story, "In a Hearbeat..." I don't even give the characters names or even actual identities.
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And that's what I love about your work. Poignant, yet vague.
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It's arousing? o-o
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Haha! Not that poignant. XP
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At first I wasn't sure what happened; I'm still only half-sure that there's an implied drowning here, and the uncertainty drains the emotional punch that "Baby Shoes" carries with its implication that the tears have been shed and the painful reality of time pushes on while the memories linger.
Hard to say what exactly to change to give it the same effect; the 'go out to the pool' part, with its imperative verb rather than blank nouns seems to be a weakness - maybe if it was "A limp shape floats in the pool, never to swim again" or something?
(Pedantic side note: 'Baby Shoes' is not actually a Hemingway story - it seems to have come from a play about his life and designed to be 'Hemingway-esque', but no one's actually sure of the origin.Β There's even a snopes page about it)
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I'm sorry for not getting what exactly happened across well, I am known for being very vague with things at time in order to leave things up to the reader's imagination.Β There are times when I should probably be a little more clear with things though. I could change it but honestly, after it's put up I really don't change anything unless it is a basic error like spelling or something. I always feel like making revisions is unfair to those that have already read it.
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