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Published: 2013-10-24 03:18:38 +0000 UTC; Views: 195; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }
Late at night, passed all the clubs, passed the streets where ladies of the night found their customers, and passed the little district people call "the meeting of hell and heaven" where the workers of the night took their customers, many dark allies, and a large church with a large graveyard in the back.
In one of the many long dark quite allies smoke started to swirl and build, it wasn't normal smoke it seemed almost other worldly as it slowly started to twist and shift into something more solid, something humanoid. From the smoke walked a large figure that stretched its large arms, what appeared wasn't a human, more of a humanoid, a devil. It stood about 11'9 inches, thick blood red, and coal black skin covered its body, two large slightly curled horns separated its long smokey black hair that hung down on ether side of its face, and over its shoulders. The devil seemed to be naked other then a dark mini-skirt, and even though the wind was blowing rather coldly it didn't seemed to notice. Slowly its large solid black eyes shifted and looked around the ally as one of its clawed hands reached up to brush its hair over its shoulders revealing a large pentagram carved into its chest right where its heart would be, and it had a matching one on its left hand. The devil turned to look down the other side of the ally and as it did a tattoo could be seen on its left shoulder, it was a snake coiling around a skull. Taking a deep breath the devil looked up at the sky, it was a clear night so it was able to see the moon, the stars, all for the first time.
"So this is what they see every-night... its not much, but it is... Beautiful."
The devil mumbled to himself as his eyes followed a shooting star, it just stood there for a while before it snapped itself back. It was here for a reason after all. Its mother, The Queen of not only the Succubus but of all of Hell itself, has been murdered while on the overworld to feed. You see, when a Succubus hasn't fed in a while she gets weak, and when she is in human form she is even weaker, and same goes for their male counterpart.
Taking one last breath the devil started to move closer to the edge of the ally, but it stopped almost dead in its tracks. It smelled something, or rather someone, but it wasn't that it was surprised someone was near, it was that he smelled someone 'holy' but also smelled a lower class demon as well.
"WHOS THERE?! SHOW YOURSELF!"
Called the devil as it looked around, it was clearly annoyed when at first no one showed themselves, so it shouted again.
"I SAID SHOWS THERE?! I'LL ATTACK IF YOU DONT SHOW YOURSELF NOW!"
"Easy now, ah dont mean ya harm. Now, whatcha doin here? Ya gotta have some kinda reason."
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to be continued
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Comments: 4
ChatLunatique [2014-04-20 09:24:05 +0000 UTC]
A few minor spelling and grammar errors. Mostly those annoying sound alike words that spell-check won't catch, and a run-on sentence or two. One example, use past rather than passed (passed indicates an action rather than a description of a place...ie. He passed the clubs....)
I'd refer to his clothing as a short kilt rather than a mini-skirt. Mini-skirt sounds really girly.
It's difficult to visualize a tattoo showing up on coal black skin, a bit more description is needed there.
I'm not really a writer, but it seems a very good start to me.
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Invader-Flower In reply to ChatLunatique [2014-04-26 07:51:51 +0000 UTC]
Thank you so much for the comments! The reason I call it a mini-skirt is because it is MEANT to be a girly thing, he is in leather straps and a skirt, he is a lust devil...
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ChatLunatique In reply to Invader-Flower [2014-04-26 10:40:40 +0000 UTC]
Ahh, makes sense. Got a more manly feel about him from the short bit of dialogue. Looking forward to further installments to see how you develop the character.
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Invader-Flower In reply to ChatLunatique [2014-05-09 12:11:43 +0000 UTC]
thank you very much for that! i'm thinking of rewriting the start of it though since i kinda threw it together while i was bored. lol. The reason why he speaks more manly is because he has a very manly personality, but can flip and act girly when need be.
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