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Invader-Tom — Create a world
Published: 2006-10-10 21:00:29 +0000 UTC; Views: 311; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 3
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Description
Imagine a world, without violence or doom,With fresh air to breath, where all have room.
Fewer cities, towns, buildings and people,
Where one can roam freely – all beings equal.
Picture a place with no laws to fight;
Because ‘wrong’ isn’t known, and everything’s ‘right’.
Murder and stealing? Means nothing there;
Why would one kill – and why not just share?
Dream up a land – possession isn’t known!
Everything belongs to everyone – no one can own.
There is food to go around – not less, not more,
No being goes unloved, hated, not cared for.
Is this world made up, so far from ours?
Does it lie past Pluto, hiding amongst the stars?
This world does exist, but not so you could find,
It exists, and only exists, deep within my mind.
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Comments: 26
Looking back, yeah.
Big time.
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If I must CnC...in the 2nd line,"breath" would be better as "breathe" in my opinion.
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I miss being a child again. :/
Great Poem. I've wished that many times
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I can't see the little "critique en/discouraged" thing so forgive me if I intrude.
Generally, I liked this a lot, except for two lines: "Why would one kill – and why not just share?" just seems to fall flat after such a great stanza. The meter sounds off. -- & I think "No being goes unloved, hated, not cared for" would sound much better if 'not cared' were 'uncared' instead.
To the poem itself, it reminds me of the pleasures of ignorance in childhood: where it's okay to be idealistic and shoot for your dreams! Great impression.
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Uncared...damnit
Thanks very much for the advice. I like your interpretation
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coo lgreat message. i suppose I can say that at times teh ryming scheme is a little laboured or tehre are very obvious rhymes which perhaps hinder the gravity of its meaning. yet it's supposed to be clear i suppose, so It does work regardless
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Your rhyme scheme is quite strong in this piece, and it promotes its lyrical qualities. A very intriguing, didactic piece.
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Very nice! I really like the rigid rhyme scheme - very solid. The subject is well thought-through, also. Nice job!
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very nice peom. written very well. leaves the reader thinking about something after...which is a main goal of writing. nice job!
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There's one small thing that bothers me about the writing itself, though. In the last line of the third stanza, I don't think the commas really work. It might work a little better as "unloved/hated/not cared for", but that's just my opinion.
Anyway, great work! Very thought-provoking.
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Thanks a lot for the advice! I couldn't get it quite right, there should have been an "or" before "not cared for", but I didn't like the way it rhymed with "more" prematurely -- also it wrecked the rhythm. The slashes seems to be a better solution 
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You're welcome.
And you don't have to worry about people thinking I'm crazy. They'd probably be right.
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Very very nice... I rarely read stuff here but this one is really good... And I agree completely, and I also agree with seastars when it comes to people causing their own doom...
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I like this a lot, it's very thought-provoking. The "place" you've described is what people wish could be real, yet they prevent it from happening with selfish things every day. The rhyme scheme is great, I love how it seems natural and not forced like many writers do. I especially like lines 5 and 6, excellent work here
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Thankyou very much, it's great to hear stuff like that from people...reading between the lines. I'm glad you liked the ryhme scheme.
And I liked the opening for the verse too
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I like this. I have a question? do you astral project? sounds like something someone who does would say.
Wish It were true though. If you've found it let me know. I don't usually do poems but I like this one, a lot.
Comments are usually better but I'm out of time.
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I didn't have a clue what that was until I searched for it on Wikipedia...it seems very interesting.
Thankyou both kindly for the comments
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Sorry, wasn't sure. THe whole meditation world is fascinating, hope I didn't offend you or you religion. no offense meant. yeah your welcome for the comment. It might take me awhile to get back on but if you would like to continue reading imprisonment I would be grateful and will get to your gallery as soon as possible.
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No -- not at all! I completely agree with you that the meditation can be amazing, I've only really done it seriously once.
I think I will read chapter 2 later (school D
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Thanks alot. Chapter 2 I believe is the longest and is mainly a background chapter, as is chapter three. chapter 2 was my favorite to write up to the one I'm Writing now.
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