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iontom — Hamlet Play
Published: 2004-06-07 19:43:52 +0000 UTC; Views: 1792; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 36
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Source: www.chemicool.com/Shakespeare/…A castle battlement. Thunder and wind. Enter 2 guards
Bernardo: Ya, and so when I asked him about the Gungan virus on the fifth moon of Sshnivalpoo, he was like, holy jitterpanzies!
Francisco: HAHAHA, What a quark-fruit!
Bernardo: (Stops Franciso’s jabber) Hey, what’s that.
Francisco: I dunno.
Bernardo: YO! Anybody out there
Francisco: This is scary man.
Bernardo: You’re a scary man.
Francisco: LOOK! TIS A GHOST!
Bernardo: Mammajamma! HAHA! That guy looks just like the dead king.
Francisco: Oh my (In feminine tone)
Bernardo: Look, there he goes!
Francisco: Boy that was freakish like a worm-eating gumbleberry!
Bernardo: Yeah…
Francisco: HE’s gone.
Bernardo: And there is the sun…. yep…sun…yeah……..
Francisco: What on Planet Denmark was that thing?
Bernardo: Iunno
Francisco: It was an apparition at that.
Bernardo: Let’s tell Hamlet. He’d think this is tight.
(A room in the castle Gertrude andClaudmister)
Claudius: Man, I am so *rolls eyes* going to miss my brother Hamlet Sr. He was a good man, and he makes me feel green.
(Hamlet comes in)
Claudius more: Well, as much as I miss him, I am gonna do him justice and score with his wife. Yep… Now Hamlet, hamlet my boy, you will be my son.
(Pats Hamlet and leaves.)
Hamlet: A little more than kin… and less than kind. O that this too too solid flesh would melt! That it should come to this, but two months dead! So loving to my mother: frailty, the name is woman, Married with mine uncle, my father’s brother. The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish fothe the marriage tables.
(Horatio runs in)
Horatio: Hey Hamlet, I I I…
Hamlet: You?
Horatio: I saw your daddy last night, HE’s a ghost! He was kinda scary.
Hamlet: ‘tis very strange.
Horatio: He looked more sad then mad though… So don’t worry. About that…
Hamlet: My father’s spirit in arms? All is not well. Would the night were come!
(Horatio looks at Hamlet like WTF is he saying)
On castle battlement Hamlet, Horatio, Bernardo and Francisco
Hamlet: The king doth wake tonight and takes his rouse, though I am native here and the the manner born, It is a custom more honoured in the breach than in the observance. (Wind noise)
Bernardo: Dude!? Why do you keep talking like that?
Francisco: Yeah?
Horatio: QUIET! The ghost is comin!
(Enter Ghost)
Hamlet: Angels and minister of grace defend us! Something is rotten in the state of Denmark! Alas, poor ghost.
Ghost walks off, and Hamlet follows, pushing aside those who follow
Ghost: YO BABY BOY! I AM your daddy! Now you need to revenge me ok? I was murdered ya know. It was most foul and unnatural! Kinda like MJ.
Hamlet: MURDER?
Ghost: Oh yeah, that sucka foo took my life and then MY CROWN!
(CUT SCENE TO KING GETTING EAR POISONED)
Hamlet: O my prophetic soul! Mine uncle?
Ghost: Avenge me! Avenge me! Avenge Me!
(Leave ghost, hamlet goes to Horatio)
Hamlet: There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Bernardo: What!? What in the name of Chewbacca is that supposed to mean?
Francisco: Yeah…. Yeah man?
(Hamlet gets alone)
Hamlet: Hereafter I shall think meet; to put an antic disposition on. The time is out of joint. O cursed spite; that ever I was born to set it right!
(Polonius and Ophelia in a room)
Polonius: Hey there sweety girl, what’s wrong wit chu?
Ophelia: Oh daddy, daddy, I just had a bad time.
Polonius: What? WHats wrong?
Ophelia: Daddy, Hamlet is getting crazy and gross, and he came and I think he was tryin to hit on me, but he was all crazy and sh------
Polonius: Don’t cry honey, ok.
(Polonius leaves and goes to Hamlet who is reading)
Polonius: Hey boy, what you’ readin?
Hamlet: (flips through pages) Words… Words, um…. Words.
Polonius: You’re crazy you little tard. But kinda right I spose.
Hamlet: I am but mad north northwest: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw. (Knocks Polonius backwards)
Polonius: What the spank is wrong with you boy, you’ze crazier than a Texan twister with your fancy words and all that.
(polonius leaves room)
Hamlet: We’ll hear a play tommrrow. I have heard that guilty creatures sitting at a play have been struck so to the soul that presently they have proclaimed their malefactions. I’ll have these players play something like the murder of my father before mine uncle. If he but blench, I know my course. The play’s the thing, wherin I’ll catch the conscience of the king.
Horatio walks out to greet actors
Horatio: Hey guys
Play Guy 1: Heya Horatio
Play Guy 2: How’s it hanging gangsta?
Horatio: Good good. Um, Hamlet has a play he needs you to perform.
Play Guy 1: Really? That sounds like a trumpet and half to me, don’t it Simon?
Play Guy 2: OH YES OH YES OH YES!
Horatio:…. SICK…
(Throws script and walks off.)
( Hamlet in burial chamber or whatever.)
Hamlet: To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.
Ophelia: Hey there Hamlet, how are you?
Hamlet: Good..
Ophelia: Hey um, I have some of your old sh---
Hamlet: Get thee to a nunnery!
Ophelia: What the F-
Hamlet: HaHa..
Ophelia: WHAT? Don’t your remember giving this stuff to me? With words of so sweet breath composed. Take them back bi-
Hamlet: Are you honest?
Ophelia: What?
Hamlet: Are you fair?
Ophelia: (WTF look) What?
Hamlet: That if you be honest and fair, your honesty should
admit no discourse to your beauty.
Ophelia: WHATEVA WHATEVA, YOU DON’T KNOW ME, YOU DON’T KNOW ME!
Hamlet: You know, I did love you once.
Ophelia: SLAP!
Hamlet: UNGA!
Ophelia: YEAH PUNK! WHAT?
Hamlet: Man that hurt like an Ewok nibble!
Hamlet: I never loved you
(Plays “Get Free”)
Hamlet: Hey!? Where is your father?
Ophelia: Pimpin out at home my lordship.
(Polonius who is watching moves and makes noise)
Hamlet: GGRRRr! (Runs)
Hamlet: (Shouting from echoing hall) If thou dost marry, I'll give thee this plague for
thy dowry: be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as
snow, thou shalt not escape calumny. Get thee to a
nunnery, go: farewell. Or, if thou wilt needs
marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough
what monsters you make of them. (Pops out) To a nunnery, go,
and quickly too. Farewell.
Ophelia: Damned Hippy
(Ophelia’s thingy beeps)
Note says:
I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; God
has given you one face, and you make yourselves
another: you jig, you amble, and you lisp, and
nick-name God's creatures, and make your wantonness
your ignorance. Go to, I'll no more on't; it hath
made me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages:
those that are married already, all but one, shall
live; the rest shall keep as they are. To a
nunnery, go.
Ophelia: UNG! I thought I gave that little fruit a fake number.
(Goes to Claudius and Polonius)
Polonius: You think that is love??? They be pretty screwed.
Claudius: No way man, that bizmafo of a Jedi Prince is as noble as a Dragon-Snapper Tree in the feces swamp of Narpnarp 7’s moon Glor-lach---.
Polonius: Yeah foo.
Claudius: We gotta send his sorry --
Polonius: Assume nothing about your--
Claudius: Assumptions, I know. But he is a threat, and so I am sending him to Planet England as soon as I get the chance.
The play!
Play Guy 1: Ok ok folks. We are coming to you live on Planet Denmark’s interweb channel of Spike TV.
Play Guy 2: First we will be putting on a little show about moon eating hemroids—What the? Isn’t that supposed to say asteroids…?
Play Guy 1: We will be skipping that section of the tape until the adult portion at 11.
Play Guy 2: Now we um… Go to the performance written by Hamlet H. Hamlet, the prince of our own planet Denmark.
(Claudius, mom, Ophelia, Polonius, Horatio and Hamlet are on the couch watching.)
Show starts
Hamlet: Madam, like you the play?
(On TV)
---
Play Guy 1 as Lady: Hey husband, I love you.
Play Guy 2 as Husband: Oh yes yes dear, kissy kissy. Now I am going to bed.
Lady: Goody goody, I am going to go wallow over the festoons.
---
Gertrude: The lady is kinda dumb..
Third guy from somewhere as brother: Hey there buddy. (Pours in ear poison into ear.)
Third Guy: HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Claudius: OH CRA-
Polonius: -B cake anyone?
Hamlet: (Looks to camera) Methinks his methods are perilous in flight.
Ophelia: Hey HAMMY! STOP TALKIN LIKE A ROBOT!
C3P-0: Oh dear
R2D2: BEEP BLEEP BEEPITY BEEP BEEP BEEP!
Claudius: (Clutching heart) UGLAGAGAG!
Hamlet: Get the lights! I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pounds!
Ophelia: Pounds?
Horatio: Come on Hamlet, we don’t need to sit here like this.
(All exit)
(Hamlet in Mom’s room with Mom)
Hamlet: Now mother, what is the matter?
Gertrude: You made your dad all pissed off!
Hamlet: Mother, you have my father much offended. (GRABS AND IS MAD)
Gertrude: What are you going to do!? KILL ME!!! HELP HELP HO HO!!!!!
Polonius: (Wiggles his toes under the curtain.)
Hamlet: How now? A rat? (Stabs Polonius) Dead for a ducat, dead!
Gertrude: YOU JUST KILLED POLONIUS! YOU BAST-
Hamlet: -ardous is my labors, I must be cruel only to be kind! GOOD NIGHT MOTHER! (Drags off Polonius)
Claudius: Now Hamlet. Where is Polonius
Hamlet: (Carrying large bag with body) At supper. Sits on bag that farts and moans.
Hamlet: Excuse me.
Claudius: YOU DUMB SHI-
Soldier Extra: -IP, the Ship is here.
Claudius: You, Hamlet, are being shipped off to Planet England! TONIGHT!
ROSENCRANTZ: COME ON PAL, YOU’RE GETTING OUT OF HERE
GUILDENSTERN: YA MAN!
(Hamlet is escorted to space ship which then flies away)
(Camera zooms through aliens talking up to Claudius who is waiting and Laertes comes out of a spaceship)
Laertes: (Storms out) Where is my father!?
Claudius: …. He is dead
Laertes: YOU LITTLE PANSY! WHAT!!! WHY!? YOU PANSY!!!
(Ophelia enters and she is looping and crazy dancing)
Ophelia: There once was a wee naked kangaroo, who saught the rubber raincoat true.
Random Alien: Umbop uuble chop liknikjump bow nrow. Fung.
Claudius: Ophelia? Girl you crazy!
Random Alien: Snop Lop ling poo, humdiddle ghirtoot morp morp queeble quaff.
Ophelia: (Hugs alien) Howdy hodiddily, you are my little flower!
Alien being hugged: Nark Narkily Noodle Poodle Fart tart smackshun shute shmif.
Ophelia: Here is a flower for you, and for you (Hands out flowers. Goes to king)
Laertes: Oh sista sista, what has happened to you!?
Ophelia: Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny hey!
Laertes: Oh sweet sister (grabs her and cries) (Turns to Claudius) I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!
Claudius: Hey gangsta foo, don’t be lookin at me thug!
Laeretes: Who? Who did this to me!?
Claudius: HAMLET! HAMLET DID IT!
