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Jade-Pandora — Volcano
Published: 2009-01-12 10:07:24 +0000 UTC; Views: 1085; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 5
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Description
The ways of realityin this
sun-drenched, rain-soaked land
is life on the
slopes of the volcano
A precarious life-
how I'm aware that it's
only a matter of time,
and that it cannot last
A shrine to the fire god
where each day before dawn
I offer sacrifice
in the sweltering heat
of a deviant Eden
And ev'ry evening the belly
of the mountain rumbles
while I tremble above, knowing
the end will come violently
and finish with a gasp
A precarious life-
how I'm aware that it's
only a matter of time,
and that it cannot last
The slopes will heave apart
swallowing all that I love,
taking what little I have;
I won't regret the risks I took-
we know it was all worthwhile
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Comments: 20
Just letting you know: I adore this piece. I really do.
And I had to re-submit this piece to the group because I accidentally deleted it without accepting your piece. So, please forgive me!
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But of course you're forgiven - things happen. Should I submit again as a new piece to the group?
And I'm touched that you would emphasize your thoughts of appreciation of my poem, it means a great deal to me, dear Joseph, thank you.
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Nope, I've covered that - as you know. You accepted my "suggestion".
then remain touched, dear, since it will always be so spectacular. You're welcome!
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Hi Jade,
Not much critique I have here. Just thought I'd browse through, and found myself enjoying this. I very much like the idea of a "deviant Eden". Definitely something to explore further.
The only suggestion I have is to stop telling so much. You don't need to spell out your feelings when images do it way better. Like loving someone being the same as living on the slopes of a volcano. That's a very strong image.
Hope this helps.
Much love,
Aditi
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Thank you, Aditi, I appreciate you felt strongly enough about this piece to offer a suggestion. ^-^
I haven't replied to this sooner because I was thinking hard on what you said and if there was something I could actually do about it. The only thing I keep coming up with is that the poem is directed towards a specific person, hence the line "while loving you" which is the only time I come out with a personal reference, and then it goes on to say that it IS life on the slopes of a volcano. I don't even try to say "like" as if it's a comparison. For me, it simply IS life - on the slopes of a volcano.
Since your comment, I've wondered several times if I should rework that part, but nothing comes to me. However I do understand your view on what I've written, but I'm also terribly grateful that you enjoy it as well - thank you!
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why thank you, I'm glad you do
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is life on the
slopes of the volcano
Is a strong description and very evocative (of precariousness), and I am glad that you carry the idea through the whole poem.
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I appreciate how you feel the running theme throughout, thank you too for your comments on my works, it's becoming more & more a happy moment for me
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you're too kind, thank you!
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I'm glad you like it that much, thank you!
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I appreciate your offer, but no, not this one.
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I'm grateful you think so, dear, thank you!
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wow Jade, Another great one, good for you, keep it up
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That's so nice of you, thanks awfully!
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Hya you very welcome again
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