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jhock216 —
for once
Published: 2010-08-03 19:09:23 +0000 UTC; Views: 5024; Favourites: 111; Downloads: 164
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Description
Coldblackempty
like the cavern where crimson vellum once resided
Drenched in reticence,
your empty blue eyes do nothing
but freeze the blood in these veins
surrounded by phantoms,
i lie in the dark next to your fading silhouette
between sheets that hold so many memories,
they are empty,
like the chestnut eyes that bore into yours
And as the rain falls harder
as it falls faster
washing down the streets
through deep alleys,
down endless roads,
for
once
just
once
i pray it takes me with
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Comments: 41
Powerful, stacking the words cold, black, empty like that at the beginning really sets the tone for the rest of the piece 
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Was this written by a 12 year old?
cold, black, empty . . . . wow . . . how original and thought provoking (sarcasm intended)
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Love your formatting! So many good poems could be great with the right layout, and the already-great ones become DD's.
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oh dear. sorry but you should have just made it crimson blood bro. and those cliffs made my eyes fall off too many times i cant take it anymore. i got to the end of this thing and all i could think was.......i was already here why did i take this 360 journey??
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This is like... me. Indcredibly well-written, congrats on the DD!
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Excellent strategy! Congratz on your DD!!
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Oh wow, I love this so much, the imagery, the patterns, the meaning... I've been there and felt these things. Wonderful 
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great work, and the formatting really works for the atmosphere, well played. Congrats for the DD
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This is stunning. Congratulations on the DLD, it's much deserved! <3
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Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by 
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Thank you so much!!!!
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Fantastic. I felt really immersed in this, and thought the formatting enhanced the experience of it.
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Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it
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as for the fading silhouette in the dark, im glad you asked that! the idea of that statement was that the subject of this poem was disappearing, and that i was in such a darkness that i could not find what was already slipping away from me.. hopefully that helps clarify that line
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I liked this poem a lot more before I started to comprehend the piece. How does one see a silhouette in the dark? I was impressed with the beautiful words "vellum" and "reticence" which I had to look up, but the way they were used raised an eyebrow. I guess really this is a backhanded compliment. Sorry : /
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haha tis ok
i hope that makes more sense
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Ah, paper heart: cordate crimson vellum? But then vellum wasn't very much like paper, it was animal skin used for writing on, sort of cave-man-like. Regardless I liked the word. Reticence was also a cool word, but "[eyes] drenched in reticence" is an odd picture. Eyes are said to be the windows to the soul for one, and also drenched has more of a flowing, moving connotation contrary to holding things like reticence suggests. Don't mind my critiques. This is a pretty good poem.
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good point about the eyes, though. i didn't mean for them to be drenched though... more like i was drenched in it from her, and her eyes were just that beautiful that they wind up in all my poems hahaha
i hope that makes more sense as well lol
as for drenched eyes... i guess it just depends on one's interpretation.. ah well
thanks for the critique, though! it addressed a lot of perspectives/interpretations i hadn't quite realized
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My pleasure
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thank you very much
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I love this. It is totally my taste. And I absolutely love what you did with the formatting - really makes visualizing the poem easier and pulls the reader in for a closer connection with the words. I like that you used big, obscure words like "vellum" and "reticence". I actually had to look up the first one.
My favorite part was "i lie in the dark next to your fading silhouette
between sheets that hold so many memories,
they are empty,
like the chestnut eyes that bore into yours"
So beautiful.
My only question is can an alley be deep? It probably can. But if not you might want to change it to "narrow" or something.
This is supposed to be a critique, but I really can't find anything wrong. Well done!
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aww thanks so much!! i'm glad you enjoyed it
i guess an alley can be deep... haha in poetry, anything goes i guess...
but i'm glad you liked it so much 
thanks for the fav!!
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You're welcome! And sure an alley can be deep. As long as that was your intention. I know when I write poems sometimes a line comes together that sounds good and gets across the right image, but I don't always think about EXACTLY what it means at first - I have to mull it over and make sure it fits.
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haha exactly!! i've fought over so many lines like that... but i think it's more interesting that way... adds obscurity
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I hear you. So many scenes and poems that I write begin as a pretty tangle of words, and nothing more. It takes a while for their meaning to reveal itself to me. Obscurity is good.
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