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jodeecmptrwiz — an old sarmoti poem
Published: 2005-11-25 09:57:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 1708; Favourites: 7; Downloads: 7
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Description
This circle never endswhats happened isn’t behind us but rather allways in front of us
this circle never ends its what is looping us to the end
its the reason we stay together the reason I don’t let you leave
Weve shown the world what it could be like for years
but still they refuse to listen
they don’t open up there hearts and enjoy what is around them
weve overcome the imposable
they wish to be like us
but I keep wondering why?
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Comments: 49
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This is so beautiful; thanks for putting this deviation!
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i like it. The last line, though kind of throws off the whole emotion of the poem. The question should be more underlying... almost as if a reader doesn't know they've be asked a question, if you insist on a the ending.
Other then the grammatical errors, I like it alot.
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dare i ask of you know anythin bout sarmoti??
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what is there to know?
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uhh everything who they are what they stand for EVERYTHING
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interesting piece, its a bit confusing and needed a few reads, but its pretty good nevertheless
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I like this poem and it has a good theme. Just a few mistakes;
"Whats happened isn’t behind us but rather allways in front of us"
What's happened and always
"This circle never ends its what is looping us to the end"
You need a comma after ends and its shouls be it's. Also the repetivitive use of end makes the poem lose rhythm
"Its the reason we stay together the reason I don’t let you leave"
Again, it's
"Weve shown the world what it could be like for years"
We've
"Weve overcome the imposable"
We've overcome the impossible
Sorry but we've been doing all that at school and it would make your poem much easier to read.
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fer the 2nd end same line can you think of somethin thatd work better?? an yea i know some mistakes
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There's a few possibilities, looping us (a)round/back to the start/closer to our goal
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some reason thjose dont really sound the *same*--i knoe not 100% but pretty simalar is what im lookin fer
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Well, keep thinking and keep writing
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i do PLENTY of thinkin but its rare ill creaste anothyer poem or that asny time soom
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I'm pretty much the same but since I've begin my series I've been writing quite a lot
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ahh nice ta know ive TONS of ideals somewhere buit doubt theyll ever be started muchless finished
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I generally help my friend with ideas instead since she loves writing fanfics wheras I prefer to write my own things, generally within a simular theme. Here's one of my poems
Poppy By The Roadside
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Nice one I like how it's expressive, I don't mind the typo's because I just read through them nice ending too!
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oh fun info that directally relates is in dev info thing think you mightove wanted to see that
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This circle never ends
whats happened isn’t behind us but rather allways in front of us
I doubt you need the "whats happened isn't" part, since it's not necessary and it would complement the first line better and it would be a lot stronger in context. Adding a comma after 'ends' is needed and there is only one 'L' in always.
this circle never ends its what is looping us to the end
its the reason we stay together the reason I don’t let you leave
Using the 'ends' in the same line gets repetitive and you lose that intensity in your poem. I suggest omitting "its what is looping us to the end" part and just keep the rhythm from the first line. Take out the 'its' since it's not a good word to start off, but 'The reason' is good. Also add a comma after 'together'
Weve shown the world what it could be like for years
but still they refuse to listen
Apostrophe for the first word, 'We've. Add a comma after years, and omit still since 'refuse' provides a stronger word in context for the line.
they don’t open up there hearts and enjoy what is around them
weve overcome the imposable
Once again apostrophe on the we've and the correct spelling is 'Impossible'. Since these two lines are two separate ideas, a dash after them is needed.
they wish to be like us
but I keep wondering why?
Now this line should be added on more, so personally I take the omitted line "looping to the end" and tacking it on after 'us', then comma.
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Interesting piece, remember before you post to run your poem through spell-check so us editors don't have to do that for you. And to use proper punctuation and grammar. There are many ways to write this, but I'm conforming to your style since mine is totally different and I will respect it. Take this critique wherever you wish, I'm sorry if I was harsh. Toodles!
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not harsh an thanks ill have ta re-post it with these in mind soon
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You did a good job using the circle to illustrate what you're talking about, it's a good metaphor. But the second line runs on a little, maybe if it was broken up into two separate lines it would flow better. The rest of the poem flows pretty well, apart from the spelling and grammar mistakes, but as you said before, everyone makes them. Another thing is, in the third line, I think it would sound great if the word "end" was replaced with another similar word, only because overuse of a word can sound repetitive. Overall, I'm not sure what inspired this, but it's a great idea, especially the circle.
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insparation i thought was said in blurp sarmoti specal "the maricle" story of roys recovery after monticore saved him (im with roy there) there was a point when there producer had said that seigfried(spelling sux) and roy had been working together for over 40 years and seigfried had to confront what life might be like without roy
hope you understand an thanks i cant right now think of much better then that end tho may review lining soon so yea
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oh yea originally aired year after event october of next year
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Pretty good. Some grammar/spelling mistakes, but good idea nonetheless!
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typos are bound ta happwen grammar not too shure on unless you mean near endin in which case its to sound kinda translated from german "they don’t open up there hearts and enjoy what is around them" part im talkin about if you listen to sarmoti clips an more sigfried youll jnotice things such as that
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oh DUH --ta me-- thanks too
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elaborate peas i know ya it cant be that hard
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In other words, I like it.
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thats a DUH!!!!!!!!!!! i ment what do you like about it
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It's pretty well written and actually makes sense...
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actually?? uhh come on thats every line means somethin like immin--do me a favor see what youre mom thinks of it seems as shed like it and i know without realisin it part empath kicked into makin it
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