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JSdeviant — Be Gone
Published: 2009-04-09 23:36:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 148; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 3
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Description
Be Gone,Cold, immense and lasting stupor
That hath taken me from life
And clashed upon my better suitor
In any case of sorrow or my blight
Be gone and further lost!
Sore, my hands are felt of typing
And writing, black ink on a desert
Where now thus stands my writing
A perch for all the buzzards
Be gone and further lost!
Can I not be less bleak and heartless?
In asking have I wrought thy anger?
O love of mine, thy hands caress
No mind of mine but all my failure
Be gone and further lost!
I’ll dwell on lesser foe’s than thy
Immensity and heart I love
So poor the beggar I shall die
But a beggar that felt thy love!
Be gone and further lost!
I’ll tear away this garish pleasure
Cold and lasting, burning flaming!
Without purpose or greater measure!
Thy will is not for my own naming!
Be gone and further lost!
For thy moment is no longer!
Carless was thy tile and thy brick!
As sufficed my will as stronger!
A castle that surceased to measly bits!
Be gone and further lost!
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Comments: 4
The line "Begone and further lost!"
at the end of each phrase adds a repetitiveness
that gives the poem more structure. I have found
that when something repeats in poetry just
as in art a person tends to find it more pleasing
to her or read or look at. Just another possible
hint for any future poems to come.
A poem needs to be either completely random or
really structured, in between doesn't always really
work.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks for the critique, I've received lots of interesting views on this poem from a number of places I've posted. I'm glad to hear you like the repetition 
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Thanks, I've been trying rythmic styles recently after being totally consumed by The Raven.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0