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kaiorton — What We Are Not...
Published: 2006-03-13 01:03:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 1283; Favourites: 20; Downloads: 60
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Description
A self portrait.I have been really sick this past week...lost weight, could not eat, could not speak. I have been unhappy with what I am reaching for, and still my hand is bound to the goal because, in some rational way, I want what I do not want for reasons I can not forgive myself. What do you do when you want to be something that you are not? What happens when we starve our soul to feel our mouths?
Original watercolour on 150lb cold press with hand blended 24kt gold. Measures 11 x 15in (27.9 x38.1cm).
Crappy lighting makes for a poor image. Will repost later.
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Comments: 59
I saved this comment for what seems like forever to have a chance to respond to your last comment....that "we make ourselves unhappy under the belief that we're really doing everything we can to achieve happiness...". This resonated within me and still does.
There is so much truth and alarm in that statement. Something honest and tragic altogether. It makes one wonder if we really know what it is that would make us happy or if we simply engage in a pursuit and never understand that effort alone is not the means to attaining our goal. It is true that we must first know what we want and what will make us whole, keep it in focus, lest we loose sight of it.
Thank you so much for always making me think and being so thoughtful. You are a gem, and I sorely miss you.
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I love the backround in this, not that there is anything wrong with the figure, I'm just very attracted to the asian mood, Zen painting is somthing I'm very into, have endless books on it, not that it really shows in my work yet..but maybe it will one day. I'm assuming from what I've been reading people are suggesting you abandon figurative works, and I think I would like to agree for the most part. I'd love to have seen a looser brush drawing of the figure, almost as if you were fading away, losing yourself completly.....But on the other hand I REALLY like this, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about
And now away from the image to the point it was expressing.
I'd like to add the point of view of someone who has forsaken all feeding the mouth to feed the soul. I have never wanted to be something I'm not, I am myself, I'm very strong in that, if I don't like who I am, I simply go off in a different direction. The down side is this.
The only difference between stress and excitment is your mood at the time. The opposite of freedom is security, and everyone needs a certain amount of that, or you go mad. I've paid a fairly heavy price in $$ terms to follow my path, and I work very very hard to keep my head above water. It can be done, but its a jungle out there. You need to decided what balance you are personally happy with in the end.
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I love you for what you have written here. I kept this comment so that I would have this as a reminder of your sane wisdom and inspiration. One day I will be able to pursue what I really want fully. But for now, I will simply remain true to that idea and my passion, which is art...and find the road that leads there.
Thank you for taking the time to write this...and forgive my lameness in taking so long to respond. It is no reflection on the importance I have placed on it.
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is quite ok, I'm famously slack for my reply time also, and I take heaps longer to get back to comments I think deserve an answer better then "thank you" or something similar.
I'm just starting to enjoy my choices again in the last week, went through a 6 week phase of
" FUCK THIS! I'm getting a real job! I want my phone back on!"
however I lay down and the feeling passed 
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I agree completely. Thoughtful commentary is rare and does deserve the time. 
Your perspective on life and art is one I greatly respect. I am glad your urge has passed and I use your suffering for arts sake as motivation and inspiration for my own struggle.
Congrats on your new commission. Any hints as to what we can expect?
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To tell you the full truth my lack of production has actaully been driven by horrible backround stress in my family over the last few months, but yeah I've come to realise life most go on.
As for the comission, I've not yet met the subject, is the first of 3 daughters in their 20's I am doing over the next few months.
Pale skin, dark hair blue eyes, I'm told...but we shall see
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that should be lovely...I look forward to hearing about it when you start.
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well still have to get the one on the drawing board out of the way...so near and yet so far currently
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I like this, very simplistic but grabbed my attention. Enough there to give you a good idea of the figure. The tones are great too. Positioning to the side is perfect. : )
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Thank you....it is always nice to get feedback on very personal pieces. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.
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we die inside and out when we throw away our sprit for the sake of its host. ive felt that many times when ive walked away from my own purpose to pay the bills.......as though im a disappointment to God. i try to avoid ever feeling that way again. id rather be a disappointment to society than to God.
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That is so very different from your other art, I think. I love the colours and how you drew the lines, looks very minimalistic but deep at the same time.
It fits very well to your description.
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Thanks deary. I do feel much better. I am trying to be introspective rather than purely expressive...and so much is coming out of me this way. This is different and it took a while for me to be comfortable with the product, so I finally posted it. Thanks for the comments my friend.
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beautiful.
beautiful indeed.
that's all i need to say.
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I love you... even if I do not know it yet. Thank you Kevin.
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beautifully done... and the words... oh they make me hungry in the soul..
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Sorry for not getting back sooner. I have been out of contact. I have missed you, your comments, and wonderful work.
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This is lovely. You have become perfectly commingled with your medium. Here you are, made of the same essential stuff that makes your trees, contemplative, feeling, shaped by environment yet part of it, eventually robust within it. I think this bodes well.
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Your assessment is the best I could have hoped for. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. It is indeed very nice to read your words and reflect.
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Beautifully executed work as always. Who is watching you? Who is the figure on the right hand side hidden in the shadows? It looks like a dialogue between you and your conscious, discord between your wants and wishes... dont follow the wishes they only bring dissapointment, go for the wants its important to realise them.
The simplicity of this image, the illusion of it at the first glance is difficult to achieve, lots of layers, lots of hidden things, lots of heaviness and confusion. There is a light you just need to turn look inside and follow it.
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Indeed this is a dialogue between selves, an honest conversation, but one that is hard to accept. Light and darkness is what we are all made of. It is surprising to notice which it is we wish to convey to others and that which we choose to hide in ourselves. Light and dark is the marriage of parts together that are harmonious and balanced. We achieve this without thought and yet never notice it. Thank you as always for your keen vision and thoughtful comments. Sorry for taking so long to respond.
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It's not very often that I would prefer to see a piece and leave with just my own interpretation, not reading the artist's comments. But this is one of them.
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I like this piece a lot. Your accompanying text gives it a real depth as well. It's very rare to see such deeply personal and emotionally invested work on Deviant. I don't know if I completely understand what you are describing, but (being the self-centered guy I am) I immediately related it to my own life. I have a decent career and all the material things and all I care about is painting (which has nothing to do with my career). I've gotten increasingly troubled by how I have no passion for what I do 50+ hours a week. Is it something like that for you?
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You have hit it one the nose! Grad school takes me down a path for which I love the science, but not the atmosphere I must exist in. I fail to thrive personally and spiritually there. Painting is my passion. Creating is my passion. I cope, but sometimes it is a struggle. Thank you for taking the time to analyze my work and comment. It is very appreciated.
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The warm background is the shadow of the female nude. She doesnt sit in a sad way. I like the way you painted the figure with the light orange. You have such good ideas!!!!
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Thank you Esther...true, she is not sad, but burdened and perhaps afraid of something, and hesitant.
Orange is my power colour, my favourite colour. I am so glad you like this piece. I just finished a second one in a style inspired by you. I will post it later. I hope you like it as well.
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First, technically, I absolutely love the style and colors of this picture. The texturing in the background is phenomenal, and I love the way you've outlined her with dark AND light. Very vivid. Emotionally, this is also vivid. The starvation is apparent. And it's a passionate starvation while at the same time lacking any real depth of feeling. I don't know how that's possible, but it's what I see here. There is also a feeling of helplessness, or perhaps it is a feeling of paralyzed incompetency. That you could do something, but it would surely be wrong so why bother. Perhaps it is fear, rather than passion I'm seeing. I'm not sure. I think I'll ponder this a bit more.
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So beautifully worded...this makes the millionth time you echo the cry of my spirit.
It is the deliberation of all things that is paralyzing to my fragile mind. I am by nature an escapist...but have found that being an adult does not lend itself so readily to escapism without consequence. Thank you for your words, caring way, and critical eyes. You are a gem.
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Sorry to hear that you're in bad shape 
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Thank you my friend. I am glad you like it.
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Very emotive piece... fresh texture and reach colours... stunning... 
All my life I wanted to be somebody else until I realised that I can be only myself. I always wanted to be smater, better in what I was doing... so I created my own world in which I was such a better person. It didn't help. I always was myself. When real problems came (with health and so on) I started thinkig- 'why the hell I want to be somebody else?'. 'Do I really have to participate in a rat race?'. 'Do I really want to?'. No, I don't want to. There are things we just cannot change. We live in a world which is cruel and beautiful the same time. And sometimes we have to realise that changes are needed... and risk is count into our existace... What do I do when I want to be somebody else? Well... I say to myself - "Look, it's not so bad...could have been worse...I assure you".
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You speak the truth, and there is always truth to be found in the world. I am on a journey or self discovery and exploration. It is cruel and beautiful.
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... and 'may the wind be always at your back' during your journey 
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like fire,or sun...the woman on the painting is you. and the colors too,i guess...
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very true...in a sad but good way I hope.
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sometimes it's a good thing to be sad.you learn how to be happy,how to enjoy.people need sadness sometimes.so don't think that this period of your life is wasted.try and learn. i hope you'll learn SOON what you have to learn,and then smile a lot.
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Very well said. I agree whole-heartedly. And I agree that the point of it all is to learn...and to help rebuild yourself. Thanks for the encouragement my friend.
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You're welcome...just try to enjoy the small nice things in your life and take care of yourself dear Kai!
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I love this. The whole image is perfect. Love the way you did the body. So sorry you are not feeling well and I hope you feel better soon!
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Thank you my friend for your comments and well wishes. I am feeling physically better this week. Hurray for time!
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Once again, friend, this is an absolutely stunning piece. Accompanied by your description, this piece was simply nailed into my mind, my favorites list, and to my surprise, my emotions as well. You are amazingly intuitive and an astute observer of the mechanisms of this world, both cruel and kind. It's refreshing to find that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have been almost literally wrestling with this issue you describe for this entire past year... my job is actually worthless to me other than the fact of the money it brings me, allowing me to buy that new lens that's been beckoning me seductively from my computer screen for so long or buying me another trip to Venice. I am constantly tortured as I go about my sickeningly suburban life wishing that my only task for the day was the pursuit of beauty, without limitations in travel, but with all the wonders of the globe within my reach. I fully intend to be a pro photographer in the near future, but for now I'm still in school losing my energy, peace of mind, and personal balance to sub-par professors who butcher potentially intreguing classes like philosophy and writing. My creativity dies in the hands of this American life if I don't fight it. Wow... I'm sorry for the long comment. I so wholeheartedly empathize with you, though. I know the exact feeling you describe, even if I couldn't exactly express it above. Your painting is gorgeous, as always. You did a wonderful job of expressing yourself through it. Incredible work!
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You definitely get me, and while it is comforting that I alone do not suffer my ideals, it is sad to know that creativity suffers as well.
I too hope to one day paint as a profession even while I might do other things to support that habit. It is sometimes difficult to have the patience to tolerate the "for now" time. I understand your woes with timeline directionality. Thank you so much for your comments. I felt connected and eased by your words, and for your taking the time to write them. One day, perhaps in the next life, I will buy you a tea and we will enjoy it in silence my friend.
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Why would you want the end? The whole point of living is the means, isn't it? If you're not enjoying the means, find another one. It's all we have.
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no, I do not want the end in that sense....
I meant that the means is what allows us to get what we want....meaning money to buy a ticket to go to Fiji or the paintbrushes I adore....
...but you are right...it is happiness that we strive for
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Oh, I'm sure you don't mean that end. I just dislike ends in general. They're always so anti-climactic. I never seem to learn anything or grow at all from any conclusion, so what's the point in seeking something? My goal is my journey. There is no miserable means to a blissful end because my end is my means. If I don't enjoy myself, I change what I'm looking for and change my journey until I find enjoyment.
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very good point....I like your attitude and perspective.
We share similar goals, I have found it rather difficult lately to be true to them...this is my struggle, and liek all things...it shall come to its own resolution. Thank you for being so thoughtful.
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stunning. i feel very mixed emotions about it. like its beautiful and painful. never the less, i think it georgeous. you are georgeous!
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