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kestinstewart — Shout It Out
Published: 2007-11-22 23:55:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 2426; Favourites: 27; Downloads: 38
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Description
As you can see, my biggest issues are that of gender... its something I think about all the time. I used to think I was intergender, or androgyne... but since reading about female masculinity by Judith Halberstam, I'm inclined to believe I'm more trans-butch or closer to ftm than I thought anyway... its just, I don't want to be a man, but I'm not sure if I want to be a male... its all very confusing for me at the moment -_-This was exceptionally hard for me to do this... be gentle, lol.
EDIT: You guys comments have been really awesome and encouraging :3 Just wanna clear up a little confusion on my emotions however with that, although yes I experience alot of confusion about my identity, its not something I am ashamed of. You can be proud of your differences, but that doesn't mean you always enjoy them.
Bah, I envy normal people sometime... so much less hassle lol.
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Comments: 37
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So you don't want to be like men or other women?
Ok, why not just be YOURSELF?!
Your own unique person?
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Thank you for sharing. . .
This is a wonderful piece. I like the variety of thoughts it contains, from things I find kind of funny because I agree ("I'd rather read porn than look at it") to far more serious subjects.
I adore Judith Halberstam. Have you seen the documentary called VENUS BOYZ ? If you haven't, I highly recomend it. Additionally, the film BY HOOK OR BY CROOK. They both might be hard films to find, but definantly worth it. Also, the book Stone Butch Blues, by Leslie Feinberg.
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Thanks
I read Stone Butch Blues a few months ago and it really resonated with me, it's a wonderful book. Nah I haven't seen Venus Boyz or Hook or by Crook, but I've heard of both. I'll keep my eye out for em :3 Cheers for the suggestions!
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Good to hear. Some more suggestions, that you probably already know about...
--FUN HOME by Alison Beckdal
--THE LAST TIME I WORE A DRESS
--ZAMI by Audre Lorde
And, on a different note, or subject matter, I just finished 1984 by George Orwell and I hightly recommend it.
Now, I'll stop with the recommendations. --smile--
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That book freaked me out to no end o_O *shudders* it's worse because you can almost see it happening.
Oh I've been wanting to read Fun Home for AGES!! Haven't heard of the other two though...
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Ok. Here is one LAST recomendation that you probably have already read: Brave New World. I read it a long time ago, but it is along similar lines as 1984 - but more sci fi. I assume you mean that 1984 freaked you out, which would make sense.
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This is great. Great layout, great thoughts, and so on... I find it really hard to have useful comments for things that are so raw and sincere.
You could try being a professional gender fucker til things make more sense?
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I love this piece mush, because I've said every single one of those things to either other people or myself. Usually these thoughts repeat themselves constantly around 'that time' of the month...another bloody reminder of how much my own opinions on my body/gender waver so much. We'll get through it together!! Much love.
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no matter if the world stops it's always running inside our heads. Being "one or the other" is a waste of time. I like to just be who I am and pimp slap the people you challenge me. Take whatever makes you feel happy, who care what other people think is wrong or not. ^^ MANY HUGS HUN!
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kestin is kestin to me, and your a cool person hehehe much love kestin, see ya next year!
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so many long comments.
we get to talk irl so yeah you should know
love you :3
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This is really powerful and visceral. It was beyond brave of you to post it.
I hear you, a bit, on the gender stuff. There's been a lot of that in my life, and even more in my friends' (one of my closest came out as FtM last year, and is transitioning, after years of questioning). I don't have any profound words of wisdom or anything; this is something everyone really has to work out for themselves, and it sounds like you have access to good theory, anyway (your mileage may vary, but I've found gender theory to be pretty helpful).
Ultimately, it's not so much about what label you choose . . . you just have to find a way to be comfortable with yourself, and the fact that you may not fit into anyone's box (even the less conventional ones that are out there now). Most of us don't, though some of us can fake it better than others. I've thought from time to time that everyone is really hir own individual gender, as we are all such unique bundles of traits and tastes. You don't have to define them, any more than you want/need to (but it can be a pain in the ass, because it's so hard to be understood).
Heh, okay, I did start rhapsodizing a bit. Sorry about that. But hang in there, okay?
I should also note that I find the picture to be really gorgeous, both as art and as a person. Yeah.
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Yeah... everyone's said it already but I gotta commend you for being so open with your art. Even if it is a little rough around the edges as a piece of art it's your honesty that really shines through and.. well... it's like... heart-felt and thought provoking and stuff. And the drawing part is pretty sweet.
I can't help but feel a little offended by the "heterosexuality is boring" comment but then again, I'm sure there'd be alot of things that would offend people if I just let out everything that was floating around in my head.
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lol, I didn't mean het is boring in a 'you guys are all boring for being straight!!' kinda way. Its that I just don't find it interesting personally anymore. I used to be able to really get into straight romances in stories and whatnot, but since coming out finally and all this shit :3 ... well, yaeh... I'm just not that into it. Its everywhere.
lol, and thanks for your comments, I appreciate em XD
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Ah right... I think I get ya now 
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Comment from a Christian (don't kill me...)
I know you don't believe in God, and I know you prolly think I'm gonna start harassing you on how 'sinful' your being and all that crap, but that's not what I'm gonna do.
Firstly, you know how people are born without a limb, mentally retarted, or with just something 'off'? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's something wrong with you, hell, with all these plastic surgeries and shit going on you can't say that to anyone -_- What I'm trying to say is...
What I am trying to say is... Fuck, I don't know.
Don't be ashamed of who you are, and if you don't know who you are, than don't be afraid to take the steps that will help you find yourself. We all get confused about who we are at one point in our life. Some people never find out who they really are and live a lie because they do the routine, what they consider 'normal'. You don't wanna be a girl? Fine. You don't wanna be a man? That's kewl too. Just be YOU. Be Kestin Stewart (I think that's your name). No matter what you choose there will always be someone there to love you. (Here comes the somewhat-Christian crap). And God loves you no matter what, even if he isn't real to you. I dunno, he can be that kewl, imaginary friend in your head.
And those are my two cents ^^' 16 years old and I rant like a 46-year-old psychiatrist!! WHOOT! Lol
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Thanks for your encouraging comments (I edited my picture summary to clear up the confusion about my emotions on these matters)
In regards to 'God loves me' and all that... I'm sorry, but thats exactly the kind of, well, religious stuff I get annoyed at.
You may believe it but I don't. Its akin to someone telling me that Santa loves me or the Tooth Fairy loves me.
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Yeah, I kinda figured that would annoy you >.> I was actually kind of hesitant to put that because even I get annoyed when people say that to me. It's really cliche' -_- But... you know... spur-of-the-moment.
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Respect!
I can only imagine how difficult it must be sometimes to be different than narrow-minded people's pre-conceived ideas.
You're a human being who is capable to love other human being. What can be more important than that?
Here's wishing you strenght.
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So you like girls, and like being masculine?
So what?
Chill, don't care what anyone thinks of you, do what you want, think what you want, like what you want, don't make a big deal out it.
If you flip genders our attitudes are strikingly similar, but it really doesn't matter. You're you, gender identity doesn't really have to be a big part of it unless you want it to.
And anyone who doesn't like the village people is fucking gay.
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We obviously have our conflicts, but know that I respect you as a person, I'm not lying, because otherwise, I wouldn't have cared to stop using gay terms as profanity, as I've always done before.
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Ok firstly, mad props to you i could never do something like this so i utterly respect you and anyone else for doing this.
Secondly the picture is awesome and totally looks like you
also people love you! you're great and and great person to be around, you cheer everyone up! and no matter what issues or any confusion you have with yourself or your confusion, it's you and in your own time you'll sort them out your own way, and there will always be people there for you along the way
as for not being good enough, you strive harder than so many people that i know,and you're so good at what you do, do
i think thats about it, as for hugging, it's the same thing with me! so here's a pat on back 
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Ok. So firstly I'm going to say that drawing is AWSOME. Like wow, it really sets the mood...so as an artwork that's just...wow. The whole thing.
Seeing as it's really personal though (and by the way I admire your guts) I'm just gonna say, speaking as someone that's only just met you and probably has only seen like a tiny aspect of your character, you're awsome. Like seriously. I liked you from the get-go and I don't usually do that.
So even though you have all these doubts and negative thoughts about yourself you should know that there's a lot of people that like you for your own self not because of what you do or what gender issues you have.
There, I told myself I wouldn't ramble on cause I really have no place to say give you advice or super analyse your character, but I think you should know that.
*cough*
This is the part in the conversation (not that I could ever really say all this in a coherent way) where I'd start fidgeting. Haha. But yea *hugs* for you cause it's on the internet and that's a lot easier (I have trouble hugging people too 
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I feel deeply for you, I think many people go through insecturities about their sexuality and gender. It isn't a fun ride, by any means. Hopefully you'll look back on it as a learning experience, no matter how difficult it was. Hell, it's rough when you're going through it, but take into consideration that you might always feel that way, until you can accept the fact that you are you. You deserve to feel how you feel, and no one should tell you it's wrong or incorrect.
Also, it's your perogative to believe whatever you wish, and any "christain" should know that since in the Bible it describes God giving us free will. Tell whoever is bugging you to quit Bible-bashing in your face and talk to someone who cares about it.
Anyways, I just wanted to tell you how much I totally respect you for saying what you have. It takes a lot of guts and in a way it already tells me that you can be the best you can be if you truely want to. And I know that we've probably never talked and I'm just a weird dA stalker, but if you ever need to chat I'd be willing to listen.
Feel for you, and always remember you are a beautiful person, no matter what any inconsiderate ignorant people tell you.
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I suggest going to a therapist that can help you work out your gender orientation. There is nothing wrong with feeling confused about your orientation or your sexuality. You just have to talk to someone that works in the professional realm of sexuality (which is definitely not talked about enough). I hope you can sort it all out!!! Don't be ashamed of who you are or the way you feel and don't let people bother you. The majority are ignorant and biased by society at large. They don't see people that are not the same as them as being normal or feeling like everyone else. (btw I feel that everyone should be forced to take a human sexuality course in school
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Hmm...quite interesting...I wish I could help you out with your troubles...but you know me~! less brains than an starfish.
Anyways...I hope this gender jigsaw comes together soon, and with no difficulties or troubles along the way.
As for some of the other stuff, I think you should aim to be the best, ya know? You've always appeared to be so bright, and a really talented and diverse artist *envys*, so if thats what you want, go for it~! 
And to people that don't like you...well fuck them, they don't matter and leave them behind. Sometimes I know that is hard though...if they are in your face about it.
Anyways, best wishes to you~~ funky picture btw, looks just like ya~!
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Hey there
Since you wrote something personal to a bunch of strangers, let me write something personal back:
A lot of what you wrote about gender is what I feel. When I discovered female-to-male transsexuality, I really thought that fit me. Especially the top surgery aspect. The idea of taking Testosterone really freaks me out, though. I don't like excess body hair and I don't want to smell like a guy, even though I wear cologne and 'male' deodorant. I also wear male clothing and shave my head. Sometimes I bind my chest or pack (packing's for special occasions only, lol).
Before I did these things I used to be depressed and definitely felt anguished over matters of gender. Although I'm still confused about my gender, since that I've come to terms with my 'not-female'ness, I've become a lot happier.
Anyway
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I always just felt out of place more so than depressed. Depressed is how I got when I was younger and didn't have any friends and not enough self-confidence. Because I never fully understood myself as well, I lived in a kind of ignorance. I didn't notice that I was attracted to women, and I didn't really think about how much I disliked being called a 'woman'! I thought it was just cause I was a teenager still and growing up!
heh... In regards to testosterone... I've thought about it... it interests me. The thing I don't need though is more hair lol (or lackthereof, with male-pattern baldness) But I really would love to have a deeper voice and to have naturally developed muscles with fat distributions not going to my ass, hips and boobs lol Apparently, you can take it for a short time to have some changes made to your voice without having other changes start.
Its been really fascinating reading about other female born that don't feel they fit into one or the other as well. there's apparently a fair amount of them in the FtM communities.
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man, respect to you guys who can actually do this.
heres as far as mine will ever get: Too scared to put anything down on paper
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Ooh, very open and honest. Quite fascinating.
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Nice pic Kestin.
One day hopefully I'll be comfortable enough to talk to you about some of this stuff!
Have to draw me one of these...
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You can always note me :3 I'm all ears XD
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Ya know, sometimes I feel the same way. I don't know what else to say about it, I apologize.
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