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KitaNeeko — Rewriting Twilight Meme

Published: 2011-01-11 21:44:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 1619; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 34
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Description Okay, so truthfully, I read the first fifty pages of Twilight, then I set the book down and vowed never to touch it again. I didn't like it, but there's nothing wrong with liking it. I think it was written for pre-teen girls. I am not a pre-teen girl. Simple as that.

Now, I'm an understanding person, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to troll the f*ck out of this meme. I had a lot of fun not taking this seriously.

For those who find my handwriting awful:

1:
{M}yself: This has nothing to do with Mass Effect. You lied to me.
Sylver: Payback's a bitch, ain't it?
2:
{M}: Honestly, I used to read stuff like this. There are DOZENS of books just like it that are better written. Go to a library and read sommat that isn't popular for the fanservice. {Preferably for your intended age group}
3:
{M}: Bella Swan works, I guess. But say hello to Reva Shepard.
4:
{M}: Reva Bella is your standard teenage girl. She tries her best to get along and has a handful of close friends to support her in her endeavors. Her strongest subject is math, and her weakest is English. She has a problem with keeping her mouth shut.
5:
{M}: Batman Garrus Edward is super classy. He's an alien a vampire.
{E}dward: You may be cool, but you'll never be popped collar cool.
6:
{E}: I see that running your mouth has gotten your ass kicked. Want help?
{B}ella: Screw you.
7:
{B}: Go. Eat. A. Dick.
{E}: But I'm so cool.
8:
{M}: Elvis Kaiden Jacob is happy to see you.
{J}acob: Shepard! Swan!
9:
{M}: Elvis Kaiden Jacob has a problem. Any time you mention Cerberus Terrorists he flips the f*ck out.
{J}: But I love you.
{M}: It ruins all chances of romance.
10:
{J}: TERRORISTS!
{B}: You know what? I think I'm going to sleep with Garrus Edward after all.
11:
{M}: Loving family FTW. Of course we've already committed ritual matricide.
12:
{M}: Acceptance, Finding one's place in the world, etc.
13:
{B}: You know in this great big universe, I'm glad you two are my friends.
{E}: That was very corny.
{J}: Very.
{B}: I hate you guys.
14:
{M}: Spoiler alert for CF1. That is all.

Mass Effect, Garrus, Kaiden (c) Bioware
Reva (c) Myself
Twilight (c) Stephenie Meyer
Meme: [link]

My apologies to everyone involved.
Related content
Comments: 28

KHwhitelion [2011-01-12 19:15:49 +0000 UTC]

Haha XDDDD
This amuses me. Thank you!

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KitaNeeko In reply to KHwhitelion [2011-01-12 19:48:38 +0000 UTC]

X3 I'm glad. I amused myself greatly with your meme.

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EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-12 07:59:40 +0000 UTC]

Rewriting the crappy bits of Twilight:

Shep-- I mean Bella: Your skin is extremely hard and you have plates all over your body... Your hair looks like weird spikes... You have an awesome space monocle...
Garr--- Edward TT.TT: *in a deep and awesome dual voice* Say it out loud, babe, SAY IT.
Bella: ALIEN.
Edward: WTF? You're supposed to say vampire!

lol, somebody should redo Twilight with your scenario xD

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KitaNeeko In reply to EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-12 09:27:29 +0000 UTC]

Panel seven was my favorite by far.

And that is high on my priorities, although it would require me to touch the Twilight novel again. That may in fact kill me inside.

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EivlysElliaissal In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-12 14:27:56 +0000 UTC]

lolz, Sorry for the double post.

Believe it or not, I used to like Twilight before it was popular. When I'd speak about it to the girls in my class, they'd all be like "A human and vampire love story? Pfff, how crappy.' A year later, I've started to hate the damn novel and the movie comes out. And everyone's like "OMGEDWARDSOHOTLOVETWILIGHT".

What a sadistic world.

Garrus would make a much better Edward, he's so much more classy and everything xD He'd make a hole in the car that almost crushes Bella with his shotgun, then take her away like "Dammit woman, why'd you make me walk into hell the whole time?"

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KitaNeeko In reply to EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-12 19:29:54 +0000 UTC]

Garrus- Causing thousands of dollars of property damage, and still retaining all datable qualities.

Shepard Bella: I like a man who likes his rifle.
Garrus Edward: -has obviously missed the innuendo- I do love this gun. I just got a new targeting system on it. My headshot ratios have skyrocketed.
Bella: -facepalm-

I used to read a lot of vampire novels. I wasn't overly fond of the writing style in Twilight, which is the main reason I find it unreadable, but overall I thought it was a basic love story. The terrible things Ms. Meyer did to vampires, ruining their dignity as a supernatural being, is pretty unforgivable, but the story at its core is more or less a tried and true one. Granted, I am most definitely not in the intended age group for the novel and I'm a fan of the obsessive-compulsive vampires that are forced to count wheat grains when spilled and cannot cross running fresh water. The ones that die if exposed to the sunlight and are required to feed on human blood each night to survive. When attacked, they're more likely to transform into mist or insects to run away than fight. {I figure that a lack of blood would leave them pretty anemic, yes?}

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EivlysElliaissal In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-12 20:14:07 +0000 UTC]

The whole damn novel would be about Bella trying to get laid by him, while he misses all the clues flying his way XD And then it ends with him getting them, and instead of being all like "Oh no my love I don't want to hurt you" he'd be like "Hellz yeah. Let's go book the room."

It's funny how a weird-looking scarred alien is more attractive to me than a "sexy" perfect character like Ed. Maybe because Garrus has his own personnality. He's not the perfect man, but he IS charismatic and sweet and everything. But the fact that you see his flaws and weaknesses, and how you can't help but like him as a companion make him awesome. I find his character much more interesting than Emo Ed and his "Bella I love you but I'm a vampire so I'll commit suicide and leave you for yourself" thing.

As for vampire novels... Huh, Twilight really put me off the stuff. Now only Dracula is good for me xD (I should try Anne Rice though...) But crap, I once picked up a thing called Eternal, tried to read it, and almost commited suicide. It's like My Immortal, without the bad grammar. Sucked to death. First and only time in my life that I actually tore down a book. I couldn't let it loose upon the world.

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KitaNeeko In reply to EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-12 20:34:59 +0000 UTC]

My Immortal was the scariest four minutes I ever spent reading anything in my life. I fear what Eternal may bring. There were a couple good ones I read when I was younger, but I don't remember what they were called, and I probably wouldn't like them now, as my taste has adapted and grown. I was never overly fond of the Anne Rice novels, but they were at least well-written.

Garrus gets a thousand more sexy points for being Space Batman, in addition to the fantastic character development and personality he's got. He drips with charisma... for an... imaginary... alien. -cough- But as you said, he's flawed, often impulsive. He's an enigma wrapped in little layers of mystery and tragedy and when he talks I go, 'aww, Garrus, you're so silly and awkward. That's okay, you're a big, tough guy. You'll figure it out.' Edward was.... bland. Very one-dimensional. I didn't feel sympathy for his character, nor did I really care that he existed. He didn't come off as 'cool' to me, more 'dickish' and 'aloof for no explicable reason other than apparently all vampires are stuck-up pricks.'

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EivlysElliaissal In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-13 19:38:25 +0000 UTC]

Edward had no personnality whatsoever. And I need to stop now or I will continue ranting about him being worthless forever XD

However, I COULD ramble about Garrus for hours. If only he were real, I'd kidnap him :3 He's an amazing mixture of badass and funny and awkard and sweet xD

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KitaNeeko In reply to EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-19 17:43:25 +0000 UTC]

Haha. Okay, no more speaking of the worthlessness of the cardboard box called Edward.

I don't think I'd kidnap Garrus... mostly because he'd probably shoot me dead faster than I could think... and I'm small, I couldn't get him to go anywhere against his will. O-o; I would, however, probably have a momentary heart attack caused by sheer joy if Garrus was real. -sigh- Is a shame.

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EivlysElliaissal In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-20 20:38:49 +0000 UTC]

He's like the perfect guy, except that he's an alien XD And to tell the truth, I don't think he'd like us that much, since we'd be drooling after him rather than saving the galaxy xD But that's why our Sheps exist, isn't it?

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EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-12 07:59:39 +0000 UTC]

Rewriting the crappy bits of Twilight:

Shep-- I mean Bella: Your skin is extremely hard and you have plates all over your body... Your hair looks like weird spikes... You have an awesome space monocle...
Garr--- Edward TT.TT: *in a deep and awesome dual voice* Say it out loud, babe, SAY IT.
Bella: ALIEN.
Edward: WTF? You're supposed to say vampire!

lol, somebody should redo Twilight with your scenario xD

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KitaNeeko In reply to EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-12 09:30:50 +0000 UTC]

You will never be popped-collar cool. Although the double-post brings you pretty close. Garrus Edward gives you a thumbs up.

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EivlysElliaissal In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-12 14:28:44 +0000 UTC]

OMG YES! I'd rather be bitten by Garrus than the original EC.

And thumbs up with three fingers must be awesome xD

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KitaNeeko In reply to EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-12 19:44:00 +0000 UTC]

Garrus: -nom-
Shep: You know that's the quickest way to get Hepatitis?
Garrus: Can I even get Hepatitis?
Shep: I don't know. What do I look like, a doctor? I'm a high school student.
Garrus: You're thirty.
Shep: Twenty-eight!
Garrus: And you were dead for two years. That makes you thirty... do you have Hepatitis?
Shep: No, of course not. And Bella's in high school, which means I have to be.
Garrus: This is ridiculous. If you don't have Hepatitis, how would I get it?
Mordin: Ingesting amino-based DNA may cause severe allergic reaction.
Shep: Oh, yeah.
Garrus: "Oh yeah?" Did you just remember that?
Shep: Not a doctor, remember?
Garrus: This is stupid. I have calibrations to finish.
Shep: You're stupid.
Mordin: Intelligence above average for Turian.
Shep: Shut up, Mordin, whose side are you on?

My Shepard is extremely mature. She told the Krogan that there were fish in the Presidium lake.

A three-fingered thumb's up is only awesome when it comes from Garrus or a ninja turtle.

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EivlysElliaissal In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-12 20:18:13 +0000 UTC]

lol epic win for hilarious dialogue xD

My Shep's like the crew's psychologist instead of Kelly xD Always listening to everyone's problems. Hates to make people sad... Which killed me when I accidently romanced Thane and had to reject him for Garrus.

We should do an icon called turianthumbsupplz.

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KitaNeeko In reply to EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-12 20:44:07 +0000 UTC]

On it immediately.

Bawww, poor Thane. He was an extremely sympathetic character. I felt bad for him. Constantly.

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EivlysElliaissal In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-13 18:11:38 +0000 UTC]

Please tell me when you're done! It's gonna be glorious.

He was interesting, but far too emotional for me. I like guys who're not constantly crying on my shoulder :/ He was nice but... Sorry man, I like Garrus better. I did cry a bit during his loyalty mission though TT.TT Poor guy...

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KitaNeeko In reply to EivlysElliaissal [2011-01-19 17:40:50 +0000 UTC]

I shall. X3

I cried a little during Tali's but that was it. -nod-

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EivlysElliaissal In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-20 20:39:13 +0000 UTC]

Both MEs were so emotional, but in different ways...

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TheSapphireDragon1 [2011-01-12 00:32:52 +0000 UTC]

LOLOL Very nice~ I would read your version of Twilight over the actual one any day.

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KitaNeeko In reply to TheSapphireDragon1 [2011-01-12 09:28:10 +0000 UTC]

X3 Trolled it hard. The Mass Effect meme is too long, so I did this one instead.

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TheSapphireDragon1 In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-13 01:21:55 +0000 UTC]

lol

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CrazyFan1 [2011-01-11 23:48:43 +0000 UTC]

oh noes! spoilers!
Awsome meme, lol.

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KitaNeeko In reply to CrazyFan1 [2011-01-12 09:29:59 +0000 UTC]

SPOILERS! Le Gasp!

X3 I decided halfway through the Mass Effect meme that it was too long and did this one instead. Coincidentally, the ME meme had about as much left on it as this entire meme. I am subject to stupid whims.

Panel seven, still favorite scene I've drawn in a while.

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CrazyFan1 In reply to KitaNeeko [2011-01-13 00:18:52 +0000 UTC]

lol, XD
And I am now only a writer, and not a drawer so I will be doing more writing meme's then written so I will look for a written ME meme

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CassidyCoyote [2011-01-11 22:26:06 +0000 UTC]

This. My friend. Is made of win.

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KitaNeeko In reply to CassidyCoyote [2011-01-12 09:31:23 +0000 UTC]

X3 I'm glad you liked it. Panel seven was the most fun I've had in a doodle for a while.

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