squidgey [2004-09-05 16:54:18 +0000 UTC]

Interesting interpretation of how death feels like. I like it a lot.

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Elune04 [2004-08-26 15:06:17 +0000 UTC]

Well this, to me is really novice. How long have you been writing poetry? First of all the rhyme scheme just doesn't really work, it all seems forced and cliché. I think that is needs a lot of work to become something original and interesting. A few suggestions that you can think about that may help.

1) Show us rather than tell us. ie; Death’s breath is smothering me = telling / short gasps, sharp like knives = showing

2) Don't use the same words more than once in a piece, unless you do it purposely to draw attention and significance to that word.

3) Don't say the same things over and over again in different ways ie;
Breath does not come easily
My lungs inhale feebly
Death’s breath is smothering me
My breath is even harder to take

the same basic thing said four times in a very short poem = dull.

I think if you re-read your poem with these points in mind you will understand what needs to be done...that is if you are even interested in working on it. These are only my opinions and should be taken as such if you don't find them helpful then disreguard them.

I do hope I was helpful and not too harsh.

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kujasbaby [2004-08-10 01:54:25 +0000 UTC]

wow that's amazing very well done

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sharebear9204 [2004-06-02 00:08:33 +0000 UTC]

good....good....good!!!!!...haha I like it i'll add it to my favorites (if i figure out how) haha :tiolet:

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happienoodleboy [2004-05-05 19:36:18 +0000 UTC]

well its an intersting try i think, but i think you might have over done it a little and also some things don't match up like pressure filling my chest killing my softly, which doens't make snese tome, more pressure less soft? To me it reads a bit overdone but perhaps thats the effect you were going for

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