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Or, the Compass of the World: A Primer

A Volume in a Bunch of Parts, by Lady Francisca Bacon-Sundvitch, world famous explorer of the world*

*Actually written** by her faithful, long-suffering manservant, Worthlessley

**Dictated in no uncertain terms by Lady Francisca Bacon-Sundvitch herself, remember your place, Worthlessley!

About the Author, and the World, I guess, but mostly the Author,

As you all no doubt are aware, by now, I am Lady Francisca Bacon-Sundvitch, famed the world over for exploring our world. The aptly named, I thought, since I came up with it, Compass of the World. After all, I discovered it's got a north, south, east, and west...at least, the parts I went to, anyway. I thought it was clever. You can all thank me later.

There are mountains, and islands, and snowy bits, and wet bits, and dry bits. Lands with knights, who were rude, lands with witches, who were rude, and seas with rude pirates, and forests of extremely rude elves, and even lands with barbarians...who were actually a little too friendly. I saw lots, and learned lots, on my epic journey, even if mostly it was that people across the Compass of the World are capable of equal rudeness, and enjoy tying up and gagging innocent, curious, exploring visitors.

As you all no doubt know, also, I am the heiress to the noble, and renowned Bacon-Sundvitch family, of Loughbrough. Indisputably the smelliest and tattiest and most powerful city in the Compass of the World. My father, Lord Bacon, married into the ancient Sundvitch family, to preserve the ailing fortunes of both, in Chantalois, many years ago. But then he moved our family to Loughbrough, a city full of promise, and industry, and money, and stupid people, and invented the sandwich. Yes, the sandwich. And thus our noble bearing was restored.

Life has been good, and the family business prospers, and our fortunes grow. After all, a lot of people like sandwiches. You can put nearly anything in them. And poor people eat them throughout the cities of the Plains now, and even further afield! Even some pirates who I met and temporarily kidnapped me ate sandwiches, although I will be advising daddy not to advertise that fact.

I could have been content to live in splendour, and wealth, and...well, technically I was. Unfortunately, that was also very boring. More people should realise the challenge living with every need a whim and desire catered for all your life truly presents.

And so, one day, I resolved to make my own name, to contribute to the legacy of the Bacon-Sundvitch family, in my own way. As you shall all see, and learn, as this tome unfolds, detailing the knowledge I have gathered, and the history I have learned. There aren't many places in the world that don't know my name, now, you can be assured of that!

I read a lot, when I was little. History was boring, but I loved stories. Folklore, myths, legends, some collected into volumes of tales, from far-off, mysterious lands. And it occurred to me nobody else had explored the world. Possibly this was because lots of it is just empty fields and very rude people. However, there's lots of interesting stuff out there too, which I have collected, with some small assistance of my manservant Worthlessley, into this epic volume which will no doubt go down in history as a great, if not the greatest, work of literature in history ever.

It's also possible that there were some other people to do a bit of exploring, but you snooze you lose, I made a book about it first. I get to name the world. So there.

My journey began auspiciously, as it was destined to do. I was ready, I had prepared for...oh, at least a few hours. And by 'I', I obviously mean Worthlessley, who knew about all that tiresome stuff like equipment and supplies and other things we might need on a quick jaunt around the world. I had focused on more important things, like my appearance. After all, presentation is important!

My exquisite raven locks, styled in an elegant, swept back bob, out of my eyes. I had had the maids attire myself practically, for such an arduous journey, too. A high-collared, stiff white blouse, with a ruffled neck, with a plump, plush red scarf, tucked into it, and tall, wide, round, puffy shoulders, and tight sleeves. And a long, sturdy, travelling dress, of tan cloth, with a thicker, darker brown skirt layered atop it, belted at the middle with a wide, stiff leather belt, and a tight waistcoat, over my blouse. And my big, wavy, wide-brimmed hat, complete with vibrant, floppy red feather!

We would need money, too though, and while I had lots of my own, this was an important task, I was embarking upon, so I thought it more than reasonable my funds come from another source.

So I went to daddy and asked for a lot of money so I could become famous for exploring our world. Whereupon mother fainted and daddy had a couple of the maids tie me up and gag me and lock me in my room until I came to my senses. But that's daddy all over. We Bacon-Sundvitches thrive on adversity! Daddy, Lord Bacon, worked hard, yelling at lots of people, to rebuild our family to what it is today! And I am my father's daughter.

I had reliable old Worthlessley to shout at!

Worthlessley has been my personal manservant for most of my life. He's old. I'm not sure how old, but he can't be a lot older than daddy. He started to lose his hair a lot earlier, though, and it went white relatively soon, too, come to think of it. And he does always seem rather stressed out. I really do wonder sometimes, about Worthlessley. After all, what sort of man has their hair turn white, and then goes bald, just because they have to look after a little girl, growing up? How hard can that be?

Truthfully, Worthlessley spent more time raising me than mother or daddy, but those are the sacrifices a powerful, and wealthy family must make. Time is power, or something? He is really very loyal, and always does what I tell him, even if he is a bit of a goose, at times.

Of course he had tried and tried and tried to advise me against going on a big adventure to explore the whole world, given I'd never even really explored to end the of our road, unattended. And with all his talk of unknown dangers, and unfriendly locals, and generally having no experience whatsoever in any regard in respect to what I was indisputably destined to achieve.

But I reminded him I was a Bacon-Sundvitch, and if daddy could invent a way to make people buy and eat food they'd already eaten all their lives, in a mildly different way, then who was to say I couldn't successfully chart and explore the Compass of the World!

But to return to the events of the evening my great adventure began. Of course, it's rather difficult to be specific, while gagged with a thick cloth, but Worthlessley and I had developed a very efficient shorthand. He was very good at picking up my meaning. Even while trussed up with ropes, on my bedroom floor, and able only to communicate via muffled grunts.

I don't particularly enjoy being tied up, or gagged, and I've never been particularly efficient at escaping by myself, from such predicaments. That's rather a lot of effort, and straining, and work, after all. When in the end, someone else will just untie me anyway! Unfortunately, this made it a rather favoured method of punishment for my odd lapses in good behaviour.

But to the evening of the start of my journey, this was no major obstacle. Worthlessley was on hand and after some difficulty, due to being gagged, I had effectively communicated my ambitions, and commands, to Worthlessley. Sort of. Mostly.

That very evening, with daddy still thinking I was snugly bound, and gagged, and locked in my room, Worthlessley had me tossed over his shoulder, still bound and gagged, collected all my other bags and necessary equipment and passed it to my pet troll, Pebbles, to carry, and then had him smash through my bedroom wall as we set off, on our adventure!

We landed in the courtyard, where mother's hand-picked squad of veteran, battle-hardened maids attempted to stop us. Heavily armed, fiercely loyal, and smartly attired, in their short black dresses, with white frills, just how she liked them. I, of course, could have ordered them out of the way, but Worthlessley was still carrying me over his shoulder, still bound and gagged.

There may have been some slight miscommunication, on Worthlessley's part, but I don't hold that against him. After all, one had to start somewhere! Daddy, and mother, would forgive me, I knew when I returned, world famous, and ready to mostly write a best selling book detailing the knowledge I had gained. After all, this wasn't just for me, it was a gift to lots of people idly curious about what sort of funny stuff foreigners got up to!

So instead, I shouted 'GGRRMPPH!' and Pebbles lumbered forward, at speed, and crashed through the gates like a battering ram, the maids scattering out of the way. Nobody with any sense stands in 'front' of a rock troll, when it decides where it's going, you see. And Pebbles was rather big, these days!

And thus did my journey begin, with a few setbacks, I admit. I, rather angrily yelling at Worthlessley through my gag as he lugged me along, legging it from the Bacon-Sundvitch Estate, in Loughbrough's richest district, to the enraged yelling of daddy, somewhere in the house, with Pebbles, my troll, lugging my belongings along behind, waking up all the neighbours.

But we were off!

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Or, the Compass of the World: A Primer

A Volume in a Bunch of Parts, by Lady Francisca Bacon-Sundvitch, world famous explorer of the world*

*Actually written** by her faithful, long-suffering manservant, Worthlessley

**Dictated in no uncertain terms by Lady Francisca Bacon-Sundvitch herself, remember your place, Worthlessley!

About the Author, and the World, I guess, but mostly the Author,

As you all no doubt are aware, by now, I am Lady Francisca Bacon-Sundvitch, famed the world over for exploring our world. The aptly named, I thought, since I came up with it, Compass of the World. After all, I discovered it's got a north, south, east, and west...at least, the parts I went to, anyway. I thought it was clever. You can all thank me later.

There are mountains, and islands, and snowy bits, and wet bits, and dry bits. Lands with knights, who were rude, lands with witches, who were rude, and seas with rude pirates, and forests of extremely rude elves, and even lands with barbarians...who were actually a little too friendly. I saw lots, and learned lots, on my epic journey, even if mostly it was that people across the Compass of the World are capable of equal rudeness, and enjoy tying up and gagging innocent, curious, exploring visitors.

As you all no doubt know, also, I am the heiress to the noble, and renowned Bacon-Sundvitch family, of Loughbrough. Indisputably the smelliest and tattiest and most powerful city in the Compass of the World. My father, Lord Bacon, married into the ancient Sundvitch family, to preserve the ailing fortunes of both, in Chantalois, many years ago. But then he moved our family to Loughbrough, a city full of promise, and industry, and money, and stupid people, and invented the sandwich. Yes, the sandwich. And thus our noble bearing was restored.

Life has been good, and the family business prospers, and our fortunes grow. After all, a lot of people like sandwiches. You can put nearly anything in them. And poor people eat them throughout the cities of the Plains now, and even further afield! Even some pirates who I met and temporarily kidnapped me ate sandwiches, although I will be advising daddy not to advertise that fact.

I could have been content to live in splendour, and wealth, and...well, technically I was. Unfortunately, that was also very boring. More people should realise the challenge living with every need a whim and desire catered for all your life truly presents.

And so, one day, I resolved to make my own name, to contribute to the legacy of the Bacon-Sundvitch family, in my own way. As you shall all see, and learn, as this tome unfolds, detailing the knowledge I have gathered, and the history I have learned. There aren't many places in the world that don't know my name, now, you can be assured of that!

I read a lot, when I was little. History was boring, but I loved stories. Folklore, myths, legends, some collected into volumes of tales, from far-off, mysterious lands. And it occurred to me nobody else had explored the world. Possibly this was because lots of it is just empty fields and very rude people. However, there's lots of interesting stuff out there too, which I have collected, with some small assistance of my manservant Worthlessley, into this epic volume which will no doubt go down in history as a great, if not the greatest, work of literature in history ever.

It's also possible that there were some other people to do a bit of exploring, but you snooze you lose, I made a book about it first. I get to name the world. So there.

My journey began auspiciously, as it was destined to do. I was ready, I had prepared for...oh, at least a few hours. And by 'I', I obviously mean Worthlessley, who knew about all that tiresome stuff like equipment and supplies and other things we might need on a quick jaunt around the world. I had focused on more important things, like my appearance. After all, presentation is important!

My exquisite raven locks, styled in an elegant, swept back bob, out of my eyes. I had had the maids attire myself practically, for such an arduous journey, too. A high-collared, stiff white blouse, with a ruffled neck, with a plump, plush red scarf, tucked into it, and tall, wide, round, puffy shoulders, and tight sleeves. And a long, sturdy, travelling dress, of tan cloth, with a thicker, darker brown skirt layered atop it, belted at the middle with a wide, stiff leather belt, and a tight waistcoat, over my blouse. And my big, wavy, wide-brimmed hat, complete with vibrant, floppy red feather!

We would need money, too though, and while I had lots of my own, this was an important task, I was embarking upon, so I thought it more than reasonable my funds come from another source.

So I went to daddy and asked for a lot of money so I could become famous for exploring our world. Whereupon mother fainted and daddy had a couple of the maids tie me up and gag me and lock me in my room until I came to my senses. But that's daddy all over. We Bacon-Sundvitches thrive on adversity! Daddy, Lord Bacon, worked hard, yelling at lots of people, to rebuild our family to what it is today! And I am my father's daughter.

I had reliable old Worthlessley to shout at!

Worthlessley has been my personal manservant for most of my life. He's old. I'm not sure how old, but he can't be a lot older than daddy. He started to lose his hair a lot earlier, though, and it went white relatively soon, too, come to think of it. And he does always seem rather stressed out. I really do wonder sometimes, about Worthlessley. After all, what sort of man has their hair turn white, and then goes bald, just because they have to look after a little girl, growing up? How hard can that be?

Truthfully, Worthlessley spent more time raising me than mother or daddy, but those are the sacrifices a powerful, and wealthy family must make. Time is power, or something? He is really very loyal, and always does what I tell him, even if he is a bit of a goose, at times.

Of course he had tried and tried and tried to advise me against going on a big adventure to explore the whole world, given I'd never even really explored to end the of our road, unattended. And with all his talk of unknown dangers, and unfriendly locals, and generally having no experience whatsoever in any regard in respect to what I was indisputably destined to achieve.

But I reminded him I was a Bacon-Sundvitch, and if daddy could invent a way to make people buy and eat food they'd already eaten all their lives, in a mildly different way, then who was to say I couldn't successfully chart and explore the Compass of the World!

But to return to the events of the evening my great adventure began. Of course, it's rather difficult to be specific, while gagged with a thick cloth, but Worthlessley and I had developed a very efficient shorthand. He was very good at picking up my meaning. Even while trussed up with ropes, on my bedroom floor, and able only to communicate via muffled grunts.

I don't particularly enjoy being tied up, or gagged, and I've never been particularly efficient at escaping by myself, from such predicaments. That's rather a lot of effort, and straining, and work, after all. When in the end, someone else will just untie me anyway! Unfortunately, this made it a rather favoured method of punishment for my odd lapses in good behaviour.

But to the evening of the start of my journey, this was no major obstacle. Worthlessley was on hand and after some difficulty, due to being gagged, I had effectively communicated my ambitions, and commands, to Worthlessley. Sort of. Mostly.

That very evening, with daddy still thinking I was snugly bound, and gagged, and locked in my room, Worthlessley had me tossed over his shoulder, still bound and gagged, collected all my other bags and necessary equipment and passed it to my pet troll, Pebbles, to carry, and then had him smash through my bedroom wall as we set off, on our adventure!

We landed in the courtyard, where mother's hand-picked squad of veteran, battle-hardened maids attempted to stop us. Heavily armed, fiercely loyal, and smartly attired, in their short black dresses, with white frills, just how she liked them. I, of course, could have ordered them out of the way, but Worthlessley was still carrying me over his shoulder, still bound and gagged.

There may have been some slight miscommunication, on Worthlessley's part, but I don't hold that against him. After all, one had to start somewhere! Daddy, and mother, would forgive me, I knew when I returned, world famous, and ready to mostly write a best selling book detailing the knowledge I had gained. After all, this wasn't just for me, it was a gift to lots of people idly curious about what sort of funny stuff foreigners got up to!

So instead, I shouted 'GGRRMPPH!' and Pebbles lumbered forward, at speed, and crashed through the gates like a battering ram, the maids scattering out of the way. Nobody with any sense stands in 'front' of a rock troll, when it decides where it's going, you see. And Pebbles was rather big, these days!

And thus did my journey begin, with a few setbacks, I admit. I, rather angrily yelling at Worthlessley through my gag as he lugged me along, legging it from the Bacon-Sundvitch Estate, in Loughbrough's richest district, to the enraged yelling of daddy, somewhere in the house, with Pebbles, my troll, lugging my belongings along behind, waking up all the neighbours.

But we were off!