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LegendarySim — Currently Untitled
Published: 2012-03-31 21:44:15 +0000 UTC; Views: 329; Favourites: 8; Downloads: 5
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Description
Wasted in my own mindSomewhere I'll find
a place that's mine.
Where I won't be left behind
and bear in mind
thoughts are keepin' me confined.
Sick and tired of these memories of you,
tangible, broken, blue,
leaving a taste that's bitter and true.
Waiting for you to come through.
Fuck puttin' it all together
just let it all fall under
tear my heart asunder,
rape me, pillage, and plunder
just like you done the others.
Writing these words drunk,
just another suffering punk,
this soul getting royally sunk.
Not a pound of flesh but a chunk
of my heart...
I guess this is how it goes
a story i cannot compose..
So who am i to oppose
how this story grows?
And what you won't disclose
this is the way the wind blows.
Comments: 4
First of all, I really love the raw emotion that this piece portrays. It definitly sends a clear, vivid message of the feeling behind the words. I am also really intriqued by the ending. It is a definite conclusion yet still has a bit of an open end which is very nice. My only critique would be the rhyming. I believe it did more to disrupt the flow of the piece rather than attribute to it. I think the varying amount of syllables in each line made the rhyming a bit all over the place. However, this is still an incredibly powerful piece and I commend you on an amazing job well done! Please keep writing!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Thanks for your critique. The main goal of this poem was to create a rhyme scheme but not necessarily one with rhythm. I think this poem met that goal pretty well. I am not used to constraining myself to certain rules in poetry so this poem was more of an experiment than anything.
Thanks for your kind words and your constructive criticism.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
It's not just an experiment with rhyme, but also with rhythm (Which I freely admit I have no idea how to parse here). Very interesting and 'real'. As I tried to sound out the rhythm I decided that it'd be better sung.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1