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LegendarySim — Scattered
by-nc-nd
Published: 2012-03-16 02:30:34 +0000 UTC; Views: 451; Favourites: 10; Downloads: 5
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Description
Somehow I lost the keys,but you ended up steering
me further into my demise.
Hands at the gears,
trying to control my fear
through these blinding tears.
Scattered pages clutter the floor
telling this messed up story,
unable to bind the spine
to leave this all behind.
Missing my mind
in the suffocating sands of time.
All that I hoped I was
and ever wanted to be,
shattered to fragments
losing the very definition of me.
Unable to find my notes
on the wrong sheet of music,
the pitch so haunting
that the song just fades away.
A life without a melody
just unwanted harmony.
That is my destiny.
Comments: 12
HI, first of all, this is insane, in a good way!
Somehow you accomplished a very complex poem, it has perfect contrast between foreign feelings clashing with their mirrored image, this is truly, out of my experience, fantastic! I must say, you used some of my personal favorite elements that I use within my poetry as well, which appealed to me very much, i would recommend more detail, but in the same time, less detail if you know what i'm saying? make the reader think! about what they're reading! Make them see what your message is, but make them wonder whether it's really as straight as that, or is there a twist in the story?
Poetry is more than just words and stanzas, poetry is a form of communication, and in my personal views, this is very above average. I couldn't help but notice that you didn't exactly accomplish bringing your point across to the reader, I say that with utmost respect! I'd give this poem a solid 8 out of 10!
well done and keep on writing!!
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Thank you for this wonderful and insightful critique.
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The images work for me, and its confessional - in a way, maybe not technically, but I can't find a better word - without being self-indulgent. There's something to be said about the way that love can make us crazy, and I like your nonchalant acceptance at the end. Nice.
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Thanks for your comments. I searched deep into when I actually wrote this poem and it was about 9/28/2011. I wrote it drunk and I am positive about that. It was a confusing time of my [love] life and this is what came out. Shit is still complicated but no semi-decent poetry has followed.
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There's more to draw on than the moment of your life. Pastoral poetry, urban poetry, all sorts of things. Just keep plugging at it. You'll find something that inspires you.
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I've always been a 'feelings' writer so I really don't know how to do something else.
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Develop your observational feelings. Focus on the background emotions of the day, the little spikes that make you pause by a rose or lament an old theatre.
Or look to the Confessional poets for inspiration...
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I'd say it's a verbal journey to chaos. somewhat describes my feelings of life as well.
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I wrote this piece about a year ago. It was a hard time in my life. I sat alone drunk one night and came up with this.
Thanks for your comments.
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