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Description
EDIT: I won the first prize at the popular poll! See the results here: [link]

This is for *jennyleigh 's Inner Demon contest.

To tell the truth, it was no challenge to find and portray my inner demon. For years I've known it, so closely that it has sadly become a bigger and bigger part of me, and for years I've fought against it.

I have many demons.
Some are memories - the ghosts of the past if you will - another is anger, yet another is self pity and... well... the list goes on.
Even so, the strongest and worst of them all is envy/jealousy. Simply because even if it is my demon, it hurts those around me even more than it hurts me.

I live with it every day. Every single day that envy or jealousy makes me whiny, sad and sometimes outright angry. My most depressive moments are founded in jealousy and the fear of losing those around me - especially to someone else. I just can't let go of the thought that if someone is treated nicely or get something nice, I am immediately lower in standard, simply because I did not receive that treatment or special gift.
I hate it.

I hate that I can't be happy for my friends when something nice happens to them or that I answer with a short, almost annoyed comment when they want to tell me about something wonderful that just happened.
I just hate it.
Because no matter how hard I try, I always feel that cursed sting of jealousy and once again start questioning my own value.

I've tried to fight against it - trust me, I have - and I'm making slow improvements, but most of all I'm practicing on hiding it. If I can't make it go away completely, I will at least try to make sure that no one else is directly affected by it.
I doubt that it will ever become perfect, but for the friends I've hurt I am willing to try.

So let me also take this opportunity to apologise. Even to those that have not noticed it.
I am sorry.
I am so terribly sorry that I can never repay you for those lost moments of happiness, that I've suffocated with envy and jealousy. I can never give those back to you, and I will have to live with that.

But no, I am not the victim in this situation.
It is painful to look at the world through eyes of envy and jealousy, but even worse so to be seen by them.
And I'm sorry for having put anyone through that.

I've faced my demon many times - sometimes I've won, sometimes I haven't - so it was not hard to give it shape.
It's disgusting, filthy and all through pathetic. A worthless, slimy creature with no other goal that to make others suffer.
It's also frightening - to the extent that I never want to look at it again - but none the less it is a part of me. Every tiny inch of that thing is a part of me. That lives within me.
Luckily enough, it is not the entire me, but a big, dark part of it none the less.
That is what crawls down my spine and settle in my stomach when I feel it cramp from fear of having to lose those dear to me, and I would give a lot to get rid of it.
I hate it.

I can only hope that if you ever see this thing come crawling towards you, you will turn your head in time to not get caught like I have... because once it has gotten a hold of you, it's quite impossible to get rid of.

Envy.
Jealousy.
That is my inner demon.

Description
EDIT: I won the first prize at the popular poll! See the results here: [link]

This is for *jennyleigh 's Inner Demon contest.

To tell the truth, it was no challenge to find and portray my inner demon. For years I've known it, so closely that it has sadly become a bigger and bigger part of me, and for years I've fought against it.

I have many demons.
Some are memories - the ghosts of the past if you will - another is anger, yet another is self pity and... well... the list goes on.
Even so, the strongest and worst of them all is envy/jealousy. Simply because even if it is my demon, it hurts those around me even more than it hurts me.

I live with it every day. Every single day that envy or jealousy makes me whiny, sad and sometimes outright angry. My most depressive moments are founded in jealousy and the fear of losing those around me - especially to someone else. I just can't let go of the thought that if someone is treated nicely or get something nice, I am immediately lower in standard, simply because I did not receive that treatment or special gift.
I hate it.

I hate that I can't be happy for my friends when something nice happens to them or that I answer with a short, almost annoyed comment when they want to tell me about something wonderful that just happened.
I just hate it.
Because no matter how hard I try, I always feel that cursed sting of jealousy and once again start questioning my own value.

I've tried to fight against it - trust me, I have - and I'm making slow improvements, but most of all I'm practicing on hiding it. If I can't make it go away completely, I will at least try to make sure that no one else is directly affected by it.
I doubt that it will ever become perfect, but for the friends I've hurt I am willing to try.

So let me also take this opportunity to apologise. Even to those that have not noticed it.
I am sorry.
I am so terribly sorry that I can never repay you for those lost moments of happiness, that I've suffocated with envy and jealousy. I can never give those back to you, and I will have to live with that.

But no, I am not the victim in this situation.
It is painful to look at the world through eyes of envy and jealousy, but even worse so to be seen by them.
And I'm sorry for having put anyone through that.

I've faced my demon many times - sometimes I've won, sometimes I haven't - so it was not hard to give it shape.
It's disgusting, filthy and all through pathetic. A worthless, slimy creature with no other goal that to make others suffer.
It's also frightening - to the extent that I never want to look at it again - but none the less it is a part of me. Every tiny inch of that thing is a part of me. That lives within me.
Luckily enough, it is not the entire me, but a big, dark part of it none the less.
That is what crawls down my spine and settle in my stomach when I feel it cramp from fear of having to lose those dear to me, and I would give a lot to get rid of it.
I hate it.

I can only hope that if you ever see this thing come crawling towards you, you will turn your head in time to not get caught like I have... because once it has gotten a hold of you, it's quite impossible to get rid of.

Envy.
Jealousy.
That is my inner demon.