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Published: 2007-09-27 04:33:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 92; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 0
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Description
The sunlight bounces across the lake like a stone skipping on the water. The golden rays reflect off the surface, illuminating the faces of a fisherman, a sailor and a girl. The light lingers with the girl and reaches out to stroke her brown hair, streaking it with red. The shine from the water mirrors the sparkle in her lake blue eyes. The waves playfully lap against the rock on which she sits and the tree behind her bends in the wind, shielding her from the harsh weather.In this space she is safe, protected. For a few moments each day, she comes here to sit quietly and enjoy the silence. Here there is no one to judge her or hurt her. There is no silence to fill with awkward conversation because here the silence is natural and undisturbed; but as beautiful as this place is, she cannot stay. Though the world seems to hold its breath for her and take pause, it cannot last. She sighs as if exhaling with the world, knowing her time is up and she must go.
She makes her way down off the rocks to the bank and slips on her shoes. She picks her way through the trees back to the path that will return her to her apartment and switches on her cell phone, the final tether back to reality. A missed call. She listens to the message as she walks the wrong way down the path. Looking back at her safe place, she walks towards the thing that made her seek it out. She reaches the door and waits for him to let her in, knowing he can see her from the window. He opens the door and she follows him wordlessly inside. Once in his room, she stands uncomfortably before him and feels his fingers along her collarbone as he plays with a necklace she wears. This gesture used to send thrills up her spine but now, a shiver of nervous anticipation rather than pleasure runs its course through her body.
“Where have you been,” the boy asks, whispering the words in her ear as his arms snake around her waist. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
“I went for a walk,” says the girl, arms still limp by her side, the hint of a tear in the corner of her eye.
She stares out the window with her chin on his shoulder as his hands creep up her shirt. This is not what she wants. What she wants is out there, but she has never been strong and to say no could quite possibly cripple her.
The boy starts to undress her until she is standing naked and he is still fully dressed. His eyes move greedily over her. Her eyes are flat, the sparkle gone. Her hair is dull and has no hint of color or life without the light. She is a doll before him, beautiful and innocent, but somehow broken. She lets her mind roam as he does things she does not wish to remember. His breath is heavy on her neck as he lowers her onto the bed and murmuring words like, “Baby” and “Sweetheart”.
She does not want this. She wants to be floating on the lake, weightless like a bubble moving across its surface; but instead, she is drowning. His body’s weight presses against her as she tries to catch her breath. They are as close as can be, and yet they are further apart than they’ve ever been. She remembers he used to make her smile, but he can’t anymore. She remembers they used to laugh together, but she can’t recall what they laughed about. She remembers he used to give her butterflies, but now all there is, is this cold dead feeling inside. Somewhere along the way they lost something, and she doesn’t know how to get it back.
He peels himself off her like dried glue on a tabletop. She rolls on to her side and curls into a ball, facing the wall as he puts his clothes back on. The room stinks of sweat and other things and the girl longs to be outside in the cool fresh air, smelling the sweet smell of the earth and the trees, but she cannot make herself move. He lies down beside her, throwing a blanket over her naked body and laying on his back staring at the ceiling. They do not touch. The space between them is a vacuum, a blank hole that will suck them in until there’s nothing left.
“I love you,” he says to the ceiling.
Her eyes begin to shine again, only now they are full of tears, spilling over like the lake washing against the rocks.
“I love you too,” she says to no one at all.
Comments: 6
lostinthecrowd [2008-01-17 20:42:45 +0000 UTC]
thanks for all your comments on this newer stuff, this piece in particular is deeply personal. there's a couple things that i'd like to address in your critique though.
first, i'll start with the end. i intentionally ended it the way i did, because i wanted the last thought not to be the lie the empty words, but the intense loneliness in the absence of not having someone to love.
the key thing, it's not her apartment, it's his. they're in a relationship he could have given her a key, but he didn't, which is a form of control, she has to wait for him to open the door.
also i left the reason that she has to leave the lake ambiguous so that people could make their own interpretation of it. he may be waiting for her, or something else that she sets aside when she sees his missed call, or just the fact that you cannot stay in a perfect place, because it's detached from reality.
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iisdeadbolt [2008-01-16 09:56:49 +0000 UTC]
really beautiful, i almost cried
my critique would be maybe throw in more specific description of the scene by the lake. It would contrast the two locations further if you had a more vibrant picture of that location while the other is just colorless and stark. even describe the sailor and the fisherman maybe.
this is kind of a technicality that i would cover but most people wouldn't but i think you should mention why she has to leave, like she would be expected, and she doesn't have a key to her own apartment?
I think you need a better word than words as he lowers her. something colder.
i appreciate how you replace the sex with flashbacks and juxtapositions. that's fucking brilliant.
i think the ending lacks punch because of the arrangement. you can't really end on a preposition. It would be more impacting if you put the statement at the end of the sentence.
"He peels himself off her like dried glue on a tabletop."
-wish I had thought of that
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DEVelopingDEViant [2007-09-28 09:08:03 +0000 UTC]
I absolutely love this. It is so true and honest. Very expressive and revealing. <3
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lostinthecrowd In reply to DEVelopingDEViant [2007-09-28 15:10:13 +0000 UTC]
thank you. i had no idea what was going to come out of it when i started writing. i took a lot of personal experiences and put them into the story, so i hope it sounds true! thanks for the fav!
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thehexfactor [2007-09-28 08:47:05 +0000 UTC]
Wow, this is gorgeous. I love it and the imagery is particularly striking. Very poignant short story.
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