wdnest [2013-03-06 10:38:26 +0000 UTC]

Lovely work here in life after love and wanting revenge congrats on this piece

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FallingAsleepTonight [2012-09-20 04:13:13 +0000 UTC]

Great flow here

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roamingtigress [2012-07-11 02:37:05 +0000 UTC]

Powerful work. Well done!

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inknalcohol [2012-07-05 02:56:32 +0000 UTC]

"Not because of you. In spite of you."

By far the most powerful line you have in here. At least in my opinion.

Now, I'm not good with poetry, so I can't judge the grammar but I can tell you what I think of it.

You go through a gamut of emotions and they're easy to feel. Even easier to see the transformation from the beginning to the end. A raging anger in the beginning to nonchalance. An almost, I don't care attitude. To a you'll get what's coming to you. All the symptoms of a broken heart on the mend. Finally at the end, an acceptance of the wicked truth and understanding that the narrator's heart will go on to find far better than what it had. It's almost the five stages of death, but in this case, love.

It's hard not to feel the emotion reading through this. It's truly an awesome piece. Well done.

This comment brought to you by #FeedbackFrenzy 's Team 8.

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CB-Productions [2012-07-03 11:57:19 +0000 UTC]

Hi there, nice to meet you Hope you're having fun with Feedback Frenzy

To address your questions:
1) I assume you are trying to show unrestrained anger and hate. If this was your aim, I felt it was a little inconsistent, since you use words like "thee" and only one contraction. I think it would be better to let it flow freely and naturally. To me it felt a little stiff. It's like you're constructing an unrestrained rant, which is a little contradictory if you see what I mean

2) I feel it is somewhat restrained at first, and then the emotions become more obvious. Particularly the almost vengeful feeling around the part about karma and belief. If you wish that on people, you'd better watch out for your own karma ^^' But anyway, in the end you say they 'shall not know hate.' Does this mean it was decided that the vengeful feelings were not worth it, the person who caused them is not worth the hate?

3) Other than it being closely relateable to a 'how do I hate thee' thing, there weren't any glaring or painful cliches that I could see. So good job there

4) I feel the piece over all was a little disjointed and forced in places. Maybe that is why you can't think of a title you are 100% happy with? I'd suggest giving the underlying theme in a nutshell, but the title is entirely your decision.

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xXpoetryXx [2012-07-02 18:31:40 +0000 UTC]

Hello there! Here critiquing for the Feedback Frenzy! With some constructive criticism, really hope this helps you!

First off I want to say that the message comes across nicely, I really love how you conveyed it.
However the words don't seem to flow the way you wanted too, some of them seem just a little forced and out of place... The part in the 1st stanza where it says "as if our us" I think you could have used a better choice of words, the our us seems to clash and it doesn't come across too clearly what you are trying to say.
I like how you talk about not believing, and how you don't believe in anything especially the karma part. The poem really has a change from the beginning of not being able to hate the person to getting up and picking up the pieces and finally moving along.

However I really don't like the last line... I feel that the "thee and shall" seem a little out of place, I understand you were trying to give it an old English effect but I think it would have worked out a lot better if you kept the "thee and shall" more consistent throughout the whole entire poem.

All in all you convey the message of the poem quite well, despite the few things I pointed out I really think this poem is working it's way to perfect!

Well that's all from xXpoetryXx and feedback frenzy!!
Hope this critique helped you out!

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Fifis89 [2011-04-09 02:44:43 +0000 UTC]

FAVORITE!

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kamuidestiny [2011-04-06 19:24:41 +0000 UTC]

To answer your questions (my first time critiquing, I hope it is useful!):

May need improvement, in my opinion:
I like the visual of lava bubbling, but “lava-filled eyes lay on you” doesn't flow (ha ha, pun)
“just lay open to the world” feels a bit cliché (as does “lay bare to the world”); you could make it dramatic such as “Or shall a thousand faces bear witness to my wounds” and then change the “unseeing faces” to “those ignorant souls”, oooh, that would be way too dramatic, no?
“against those who loved you” could be stronger
I do not like the “rarely” in that sentence, but I love the flow. Maybe “I would not believe”
“it's not healthy” like the idea, but not the wording “the affliction a distress to my being”
“I will recover. I will get past you” I like the idea of strength, but again, I think this could be much stronger. I would also leave it at “the nightmares you have wrought” or just drop the “me” (makes this person seem much more evil when left ambiguous).
Love the gathering of innocence. Recommend rethinking the second to last line. Maybe “I will be content in love and trust, absent of hate.” or something not quite that...
Like the bookend “So it shall be”.

I love your play on the title. (Oh, I think Karma is supposed to be capitalized.)

Good luck, great poem!

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