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Published: 2012-06-08 23:37:16 +0000 UTC; Views: 1043; Favourites: 27; Downloads: 6
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***Hiding inside a small hidden dirt tunnel covered by a large bush, the small silver wolf cub whimpered. Peeking out from her cover, she held back a yelp of fear at the grewsome sight before her. A dragon. She'd never seen one before, and this one was huge. The moon and fire light glinted off each of it's scales as it swung it's head to and fro, snaping it's large jaws at her pack mates as they raced away in terror, and with it's breath, burning them to a crisp. Their dens- on fire. Their Alpha-shreaded. Their home- gone. Confused and scared, she shrunk back again. Then, almost triping over the crystal of her necklace, she hid once more. She looked down at her black chocker. It was far too big for her and it hung loosley around her neck. Upon it were 12 sharp spikes and a long string from which dangled an ice blue crystal. The color matched her snowflake birthmark behind her right eye. It glowed and pulsated as she watched it. Each pulse matched her heart beat. She remembered, then, what her mother told her moments after the dragon had arived.
She placed FrostLine in safety and, holding back tears, she told her pup, "Be strong my little warrior. You must stay here. Do NOT come out until I come back for you. Do you understand? FROSTLINE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!" She raised her voice in a worried panic, her calm tone disinagrating. FrostLine whimpered and nodded . WillowFall's voice calmed and she breathed in " Here," she said and quickly and slipped the chocker neckless around FrostLine's neck. " Keep it save, my love. This was my mother's before me. And her mother before her. And now, it's your's." FrostLine accepted it, but was alittle confused about what was going on just then "And just know I love you with all my heart, and do not forget me." and with that she disapeared through the bushes. "Mommy?! Where are you going?"FrostLine called after her, but there was no reply.
That was just minuets before now. Her mother has disapeared and was out of sight since then. Then suddenly she heard her mother's growl. Then a yelp. "Mother?!" She screamed and raced out from her hiding place to see her mother's once graceful body twisted into a mangled mass. She looked smaller. Her usually bright eyes dull and lifeless. She raced knee deep into her mother's blood and curled up into the curve of her body, burying her nose in her mother's singed fur. She still smelled of her sweet and inviting scent... but different. Faded in a way. Masked by this pungent and heavy smell. The kind that prey carried. And no matter what she told her self, she knew it was the smell of death. Shaking her mother she pleaded for her to wake up. Just then she felt breath on her back. Her guard hairs lifted and she spun around to see the large monsterous fangs of the black dragon. It's red eyes glinting as it smiled an evil grin and billowing it's sour breath that made her sick to her stomach. Then it lunged.
***
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Comments: 28
Fablu [2012-06-09 01:22:54 +0000 UTC]
Overall
Vision
Originality
Technique
Impact
I think this idea is good, and I like the nod to Warriors with the names of the wolves. I can see how a unique and really action-packed story could grow out of this. However, since this is a critique, I have to say that this story needs editing, as there are a lot of grammar mistakes, such as "grewsome", "chocker", and "disinagrating". I don't know what program you used to type this, but if you don't have a Spell Check at your disposal, perhaps find someone to help you edit it? Otherwise I like your devices; you have the makings of a great writer if you take some time to refine your ideas and skills.
Also, a quick note: the dashes in the middle of the first paragraph should be "--" instead of "-". I used to make that mistake all the time before someone told me. XD
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LucidAether In reply to Fablu [2012-06-09 02:46:17 +0000 UTC]
xD thanks. yeah no spell check. but I got my mom. xD she fixed it about 2 hours ago. thank you for correcting me with the dashes. xD and I appreciate this. 83
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Fablu In reply to LucidAether [2012-06-13 19:05:27 +0000 UTC]
No problem, I really love to give constructive criticism where it's needed. I think, when it's finally complete, this will be a really great story.
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DragonessArya [2012-06-11 19:13:17 +0000 UTC]
Oh my gosh this is amazing hrrrnnnngggggg I want to read moorreee sdfasdhfkds ;u;
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WolfSong-of-Dragon [2012-06-09 18:32:24 +0000 UTC]
Looks great to me! Can't wait to read more
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mohamedfreezer [2012-06-09 04:14:23 +0000 UTC]
greeting my fellow
;______;
this soooooo impressive
thank you verymuch for the hard owrk
^_^
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GraduallyInsane [2012-06-09 00:54:02 +0000 UTC]
OMFG AMAZONG! Curse the dragon by any chance?
lol no maybe not.
But baby frost is fucking adorable!
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LucidAether In reply to GraduallyInsane [2012-06-09 02:48:02 +0000 UTC]
xD you'll see who it is soon enough.
xD thanks!
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ShayTheDragoness [2012-06-08 23:53:36 +0000 UTC]
I want to say something.
But I can't.
The awesomeness is just too high!
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Sun-for-two [2012-06-08 23:39:01 +0000 UTC]
That is amazing! I can't wait to see more. The shadows on the picture is also fabulous. If you wan't me to edit it a little I would love to.
Magnificent!
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