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maplekokob — Worth the Rhyme
Published: 2007-01-15 05:39:40 +0000 UTC; Views: 85; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
Hey diddle, diddle,The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon,
And he'd do it again,
Until the nights end,
Just to keep a child's dream alive,
For if one little soul,
Finds comfort in his toil,
His life would be worth the rhyme.
Twinkle, twinkle,
Dear little star,
How I wonder what you are,
But you would hide,
Your face in the sky,
Just to keep a child's curiosity alive,
For if one wandering mind,
Dreams you they will find,
Your loneliness would be worth the song.
Humpty, dumpty,
Sat on a brick wall,
Humpty, dumpty had a great fall,
And he'd crash again,
Before all the king's men,
Just to keep a child's heart alive,
For if one little soul,
Finds comfort in his toil,
His life would be worth the rhyme.
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Comments: 5
I really liked the concept of this poem, I really did! Ironically, I was just thinking earlier today about writing a similar poem, but I'm not sure I'd even do as good a job as you. I only really have two critiques for this piece:
the flow could be a little bit better in some areas (such as the transistion from the nursery rhyme words to the line that ends in "alive").
and
The poem is a little two repetitive in that the sixth lines of each stanza are almost identical to each other, and that the "worth the rhyme" sentence is used twice while "worth the song" is only used once. I think either all three lines should be different, or all three lines should be the same (different I think would be better, though).
But you really did quite a good job on this piece. It just really needs to be tweaked for flow more than anything, both in line length and word choice. Hope this helps!
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Yea...the flow bothered me but at the time it was the best I could do...
I have a philosophy...It's better to write something with flaws and get your message to the world, than to not write at all.
Thanks for the critique! It meant a lot!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
you are welcome, and it's also hard to get critiqued if you don't let others read it too
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