HOME | DD
Published: 2006-01-04 05:07:28 +0000 UTC; Views: 191; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 1
Redirect to original
Description
“Breakfast is served, Your Highnesses,” The butler bowed and opened the door to the dining hall for the two royal ladies.“More like battle may commence,” Lady Paige whispered under her breath. Lady Annaliese was once again attempting to force her step-daughter to sit down for a meal with her.
Usually, Paige ate with her father, and the queen would have her meals surrounded by the ‘fashionable and decent’ people of the keep, but every so often the queen decided that it was only proper to have quality mother-daughter time. This ‘quality’ time usually ended with one of two possibilities. One left them both in a raging fury, filling the room with their screaming and yelling until one of them stormed off, unable to stand the presence of the other any longer. The other had them rushing to find other places to be after enduring an uncomfortably long stretch of silence, in which case the servants would tensely wait on them with a fear similar to that of someone being ordered to hold a small, ticking box and wait for it to explode.
Lady Annaliese had married the king three years ago. Paige had never trusted or liked her as a lady in Paige’s court, she trusted her even less and liked her none at all as her step-mother and as queen. Annaliese had only ever cared about attaining the crown, never the family that went with it, and it showed in her very attitude toward Paige. She almost seethed to know that when King Cadoman either stepped down from the throne or died, it would be Paige, and not her who would be inheriting the rule of the kingdom.
The servants shifted uncomfortably as their mistresses strode down opposing sides of the long table to where their breakfast was laid out. They nearly stared each other down as they shifted their dresses to sit down.
“What are you planning for this week, Paige?” Lady Annaliese asked her step-daughter after they both had attained a comfortable position on their chairs. The servants stepped forward and began scooping food onto their plates and filling their glasses with juice and milk.
“The men are going for the Hunt in four days, and I was hoping to go with them.” Paige replied while shaking salt and pepper on her eggs. She glanced up at Lady Annaliese from underneath her bangs and saw the rigid posture of her step-mother tighten indicating she was hitting a nerve. She nodded the servants away, and they quickly retreated to the outer edge of the room to wait for further orders.
“You know the Elders won’t let you, Paige.” Lady Annaliese slammed her fork to the table. Paige and the servants alike were shocked by this. Lady Annaliese hardly ever got agitated enough to physically show anger through her honed court manner. Her voice got sharp. “Why do you keep insisting upon joining the men in their duties and neglecting those things that are proper for a young lady? Just because you were taught to ride and your father spoiled you with teaching you the bow and arrow does not make you an equal to the men. The Hunt is a contest. You could end up injured in a sword fight with one of the guards, or worse! Never mind what the elders say, I won’t let you. It’s not proper.”
“I know what the Hunt involves,” Paige hissed through her teeth. Her eyes narrowed as they rose to meet Annaliese’s. No matter what the queen thought, it was not her place to deny Paige admittance into the Hunt. The Hunt was entirely the responsibility of the throne, Paige‘s father. “I can see that this is taboo subject with you. I will not bring it up with you again, and I ask that my choice of duties stay out of conversation as well.” She cut into her eggs sharply and shoved the overly large piece into her mouth. She was intent on keeping level eye contact with her step-mother. Annaliese held an air of dominance, and Paige wasn’t about to hand the queen a shred of control or power over her life.
“Don’t eat like a heathen, girl. I don’t know what wild ideas your father has been putting into that head of yours lately. The Hunt!” Lady Annaliese snapped, her court manner returning slowly. “I think that maybe you will spend this week in the castle with me and leave him to man’s business while you learn what a woman’s is.”
This comment crossed a line in Paige‘s mind and the time arrived when Annaliese’s presence was no longer bearable. She made a rather unladylike scream through her mouthful of egg, then furiously scraped food off one corner of her plate. On the clear spot, she slammed down her glass, the milk in it threatening to slosh over the edge. Still attempting to chew her original bite, she piled more eggs, bread, and sausage on to the already full plate. She gave her mother an infuriated look accompanied by another scream, then threw her silverware on the plate and picked up the entire thing. She sidled sideways to the servants’ door glaring and Annaliese as she walked. The nearest maid opened the door and Paige entered the stairwell to the kitchens below.
“Where are you going?” a skinny scullery maid asked her on the stairs, looking at the door to the dining hall. “Lady, I don’t think your mother is happy with you.” They could hear Annaliese shouting for Paige to come back and who knew what else.
Paige finally swallowed and hissed at the kitchen girl, “Obviously.” She pushed past and continued down to the kitchens, the only place in the keep Lady Annaliese’s persistent repression would not dare follow her.
She sat her plate down at the rough table along the far side of the main kitchen and wrestled her skirts over the bench and into a position that she could sit down. alongside stable hands, servants, maids, butlers, guards, and a few of the lesser lords and ladies. All of them looked at her as she sat down and a few tentatively waved. Some of the regular kitchen-diners named the occasional shared meal of the royal ladies ‘The Battle of Breakfast’ and they were used to their princess eventually storming down and eating with them.
The cook’s daughter came up to Paige and scrambled up to onto the bench beside her. She looked up very seriously into Paige’s eyes, “Mothers, huh?”
Paige laughed and hugged the girl. Her anger faded as she and the girl shared jokes and stories over their breakfast. The other diners chimed in now and again, and Paige forgot about her step-mother in their company. She stayed at the table until Enad, the stable master, excused himself to the stables. Looking down the table, she noticed that most of the guards were leaving for the fields and the others to begin their work and decided to pack food to take with her to the training fields. She shooed the cook’s daughter outside to play with the other children and began to wrestle her skirts back over the bench to get up.
When she stood, she noticed a tall man wearing a dusty cloak in the corner sipping a mug of cider and reading a battered-looking book. He had a large squarish bag sitting under his chair and a large staff leaning on the wall beside him. She smiled and walked eagerly over to him, leaving the food for later; the cook always made plenty.
“Hello Nast,” she said sitting down next to him, shifting the skirts uncomfortably until they laid in a bearable position, “What books do you have for us this time? Are they as good as the last ones?”
The corner of Nast’s mouth turned up in a smile and he nodded. He held up a finger and stretched forward to set his mug and book on the table. He reached under his seat and pulled out the bag, full of books of all sizes. Near the top, four of them were tied together with coarse twine. He took these out of the bag running a hand over the bindings, his face showing recognition and fondness. He handed them to Paige carefully and tapped his finger once on the thick sheet that was tied to the top of the stack.
It read:
For the Pleasure of the Nobles of the Palace
Property of the Carnegie Library
Read and Return with Care
Nast Moradagen
Paige looked up at him, her eyes bright. “Nast! You finally found a way to make paper!” She tugged the sheet away from the books and felt it between her fingers. “It’s really very thick, but it’s wonderful that you found out how to do it. This will be amazing! How’d you make it?”
Nast held up his hand and reached into the bag again. He brought out an oilskin envelope and set it on the table in front of Paige. He carefully untied the cords and unfolded the skins. Inside was a large, floppy leather book. The dark brown cover had been embossed with a leaf pattern and the pages sewn carefully by hand. Paige looked at it in wonder. Nast grinned at her and absently traced one of the leaves with a finger.
“Did you make this as well?” Paige inquired, at a loss for words. Nast nodded slowly, and Paige could see that he was quite proud of the book. He gestured toward it and when she didn’t move, he took her hand and drew it to the cover.
“I’m to open it?” She asked. He nodded again, this time tilting his head toward it as if to say ‘hurry up’. She slowly turned the cover over and gasped at the paper inside. “It’s so white!” she exclaimed and thumbed the pages, “And so thin! You must have tried for ages to get it like this.”
Nast took his hood down and winked at her, then turned to the next page. He had written detailed directions on how to make his rough paper. After Paige had read through it, she looked up at Nast in wonder. He set the book back in the oilskin, tied it tightly back around the book, and placed it back in his bag.
“Are you going to tell others how to make it?” Paige asked. She was starting to wish Nast could talk to her. He just shrugged at her question. “What is the book for?” She asked.
He pointed at himself, then mimed writing.
“A journal, then?”
He thought for a second then nodded slowly. Suddenly the noise in the room swelled as the rest of the diners got up in response to the bell that rang to say it was the end of the morning meal and the cook began shouting at people to clear the kitchen faster.
Nast smiled softly and put the stack of books in Paige’s hands. He briefly squeezed her arm, picked up his things and walked out the door to the yard. Paige watched him until he turned the corner past the stables.
Then, at a glance from the cook, she got up and gathered some sandwiches and fruit into the topmost of her skirts along with the books from Nast. Dodging the increasing movement of scullery maids and kitchen boys cleaning up breakfast, she ducked into the stairwell with one last look over her shoulder and ran up the back stairs to the women’s quarters. There she would put the books in her room and get out of the wretched skirts she wore to be ’proper’ for Annaliese.
It was past time to get ready for her daily practice on the training fields. She hoped Bethan, her first training master for the day, would remember her breakfast duty and understand her lateness.
Comments: 20
Sutton1 [2006-01-16 15:11:35 +0000 UTC]
yeah, my "advanced critique" was in person, so yeah. keep it up.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mathnerd In reply to Sutton1 [2006-01-16 15:15:20 +0000 UTC]
I thought you were going to type more! *sniff*
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mathnerd In reply to Sutton1 [2006-01-17 01:53:46 +0000 UTC]
Whaddya mean again? You said that you had more to say, but you would type it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Sutton1 In reply to Mathnerd [2006-01-17 23:17:59 +0000 UTC]
GA! sorry, i dont remember anything i say. i'll get to it next time, i promise.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Mjollifer [2006-01-06 17:17:25 +0000 UTC]
She sidled sideways to the servants’ door glaring and Annaliese as she walked. <--- i think you want 'at' instead of 'and.'
She sat her plate down at the rough table along the far side of the main kitchen and wrestled her skirts over the bench and into a position that she could sit down. <-- i think it sounds better without the last 'and'
alongside stable hands, servants, maids, butlers, guards, and a few of the lesser lords and ladies. <--fragment, consider revising. (hehehe... if only i could underline it in green) and capitilize the A.
Property of the Carnegie Library <--- i love the name Carnegie, it's great, but do you really want to use the name of a well known semi-modern philanthropist? i mean, since it's not set in modern times... or is it?...just a thought.
well... i
it! i love the added details! they're wonderful! keep working on it, and we'll be happy to help you edit and revise :3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mathnerd In reply to Mjollifer [2006-01-07 00:50:13 +0000 UTC]
Thank you. The 'alonside...' sentence was an oops. I fixed the other half of the sentence and must have forgotten about this part!
I only used Carnegie because I saw a picture of an abandoned library with the sign so broken up you could only see that word. I kind of liked how it looked and thought it would work...Nast's bit will describe it more.
Thanks for catching that stuff...that's what happens when you revise and post at midnight!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Mathnerd In reply to StarlitPoltergeist [2006-01-05 05:50:16 +0000 UTC]
Thank you! I was wondering if you had any insights to add to the commentary of the two wonderful literary critics.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
StarlitPoltergeist In reply to Mathnerd [2006-01-06 02:45:28 +0000 UTC]
Um, yes I do. First off, I want to say that this is strictly my opinion and you do not need to execute any of the actions upon your piece which I say may make it better. It is not my piece, and you and I write very differently. But here is my advice on the matter:
First off, you forgot a period. “More like battle may commence,” Lady Paige whispered under her breath <----PERIOD, PLEASE!!!!! It is just screaming at me and I must apologize, but I am quite the nazi for some of this stuff...especially commas, which you will see later. (I do believe in commas, I do, I do. Sorry...inside joke.)
Second, “I don’t know what your father has been putting into that head of yours lately,” Lady Annaliese commented. <---I think it'd be awesome if you put how she was feeling or how she said it behind that. Like maybe she was saying it sadly/dejectedly? Or perhaps wryly? You get the drift...
“I think that maybe you will spend a week with only me and leave him to man’s business.” <--- I kind of took it and reworded it a bit... more to my liking, but you don't have to do it: "I think that it may be wise for you to spend a week with only me and leave him to man’s business."
It was now Paige’s turn to get angry. <---I, personally, think that adding a now in there makes it flow better. But maybe my eccentricness is coming out and I should stop now...too bad I'm not going to, heh heh!
She sat down at the long table that sat along one side of the main kitchen alongside stablehands, servants, maid, butlers, guards, and a few of the lesser lords and ladies. <----- I bolded the words that I feel are repeated, and was wondering if you'd perhaps agree that a little more variety would make this sentence less repetitive? I couldn't draw anything from the labyrinth of my mind, having lost my creativity again, but maybe you could come up with something... Also, I was wondering if you meant for ‘maid’ to be singular and not plural like the rest. It kind of looks out of sync, and I think it may have been a typo. If I am wrong I mean no offense.
Paige inquired, quite at a loss for words. <------ Okay, to me the ‘quite’ doesn’t fit and makes the sentence a little awkward. Plus, you use it in the next sentence, making it feel repetitive again…I think it sounds better without ‘quite’, but once again, that’s my personal opinion.
He tied the oilskin tightly back around the book, and placed it back in his bag. <----- No comma needed after book! Once again I repeat: I am the comma nazi!!!!!!!
Then, the bell outside rang the end of morning <------ Okay girl, you like to use the word ‘then’. Keep in mind that there are other words in relation to time passing which you can use. Continually using then is a little tedious and repetitive. Maybe in this sentence you can replace it with ‘At that time,’?
Then, she got up and threw some sandwiches and fruit in her own bag. <------Okay, the comma after ‘then’ does not violate any rule, but it does bug me. I don’t believe that it is necessary, but keep it if you wish…
Okay, now that you are ready to murder me for my pickiness and probably unwelcome advice, I must agree with the others that detail is a wonderful thing. It can ensnare the mind and cause the senses to come alive, making the imagination dance in wonder. So use that to your advantage! I know you can! You are smart and creative… show us your talents!
That is all I have. Rather long, yes, but meh. You asked…you got. Have fun with that! Catch ya later! <3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mathnerd In reply to StarlitPoltergeist [2006-01-06 03:39:00 +0000 UTC]
YAY, I knew you had it in you somewhere! Since I worked on this last night, I fixed a lot of the wording problems already (like the table and 'man's business'), but I'm glad you noticed them, too.
Thank you for the VERY WELCOME advice. All of it was useful. I hadn't even thought about puctuation and transitions yet, but it's good to have some of that out of the way. (I'll commit more offenses as I change things!) I hate checking for that little stuff, it's always nice when somebody follows me for a bit and sweeps up all the garbage puctuation. Danke again...Night!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
StarlitPoltergeist In reply to Mathnerd [2006-01-06 03:41:30 +0000 UTC]
No problem...you always have a picky little child on your side...so feel free to call her in whenever needed!
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Mjollifer [2006-01-04 16:28:19 +0000 UTC]
hmmm.... i agree that more detail is always good.... is this the very begining of the story? yeah, more detail and maybe some dialoge in the dinning scene would be good... i know they may not need to talk more before they storm out, but you could add some narrative things like, they sat down at a long oak table, blah, things of that nature. i like it! i can't wait to see how it goes and ends:3
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mathnerd In reply to Mjollifer [2006-01-04 19:17:51 +0000 UTC]
No, not the beginning...but also yes. This is how I wanted to introduce this character, but this is not the beginning of everything. Nast is introduced earlier. He'll already be known excepting the fact he knows Paige.
Details details! I'll get on that... which parts need it most? with her mother, in the kitchen, or with Nast?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mjollifer In reply to Mathnerd [2006-01-05 03:36:17 +0000 UTC]
um... with the mother... i think the details with the kitchen are good... unless there's something you want to add... i think stuff with nast is good, especially if we'll already know about him. but the fighting with the mother seems a little abrupt.
overall you can always add more details about the surrondings. i'm a very visual person, so from what you have written i imagine a dining hall, and back stair way to the kitchen and all, but if you added a little bit more detail about the surrondings, without going overboard, i think it would enhance it.
actually, tis not that bad as it is. some of the narrative inbetween the dialoge of the dinning fight could have been longer and more detailed. the part with nast was great. uh... does that help? make it like the nast part... um... lol...yeah:3
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Gr3ywInd88 [2006-01-04 05:53:09 +0000 UTC]
Oo la la, Je l'aime, Cest Super. I am really intrigued as to wear you are going to take this. Please don't stop I beg you. Hmm, what things to critique? Well, you can always go into more detail. I am not the best proof reader for typos and such, but a few things I noticed that raised an eyebrow or two. First off, Why Paige? The name seems to imply that she is of a lower status. Was that intentional, or simply just random choice? Two, Paige's interaction with her mum, the Queen. You could do a lot more with that. Go more into depth on it. Explain why they are so frustrated, or bring up other incidents of unhappiness between the two. It seems like they reach a climax of anger very quickly. If you are looking to add more to your piece, spread out that dialogue. These are more preferance things. Oh, one other thing, please tell me you are going to do more with this Nast character in the future, cus he has the potential to do a lot of cool things I think. Well, great start, and I look forward to the future of this one
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mathnerd In reply to Gr3ywInd88 [2006-01-04 19:29:16 +0000 UTC]
First of all, Nast is my favorite character. He'll be visited often. His beginning story is what I'm going to post next. BTW, what would you like to know about him, and what impression of him do you have?
Okey dokey, I'm going to work on details next. Can do. The bit about her mother and her, I know, and I'm getting there. It's rather messed up. I just need to know how far I'm going to take it. Now that I look at this, I think I already have another edit...great...merging. Are there any details that just scream that they're missing? I have this whole scene in my head, but I don't know if I got it all on the paper.
I never even thought about the rank page. Hmmm.....she acts like she's not the princess... do I need to change it? It wouldn't be a problem, but I'd rather leave it.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Gr3ywInd88 In reply to Mathnerd [2006-01-05 03:45:51 +0000 UTC]
Okay, I think the thing you need most right now is simply more content. I would focus on just trying to get more of the story put on the page (or in this case, screen). Next, Nast. I really like this guy. He holds all the secret hidden, almost anti-hero, but ultimately goodguy esq personality. However, I don't want any details out of context of the story. If you are wanting to share more about him, put it in the story. I would love to learn more about him. Finally, the Paige thing. You could really either change it or leave it, and it wouldn't change much. It was just something I noticed. Great job so far, what's next?
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Mathnerd In reply to Gr3ywInd88 [2006-01-06 03:25:40 +0000 UTC]
What's next?! A better version of this... and then Nast.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Mathnerd [2006-01-04 05:09:47 +0000 UTC]
Oh, ick....sorry, the formatting really sucks. I'll fix that sometime...if it's a problem. I really wish I could put the fonts and formatting I had...oh well.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0