AuraLady [2016-09-28 08:27:48 +0000 UTC]

**sneaks up on Kyoya and smacks his notebook up into his face before running off to class**

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tanyasm10 [2015-11-09 18:14:37 +0000 UTC]

Im not American nor have I stepped foot in that country.....

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KaiPon [2015-07-30 22:10:59 +0000 UTC]

Here comes my honest opinion of this story. I am really sorry if I seem harsh, I mean no harm in what I say. I'm by no means an expert, but I've been around the fanfiction and Creepypasta scenes since I was a teenager and have been writing for as long as I can remember, so I know a bit about grammar and spelling.

I won't be picky about American or British English, but I might point it out if you change between the two. It's easier to just stick with either or, not switch. I myself go with British English, but I will try to adjust to your way of writing if I write example sentences.

Remember, this is constructive criticism, I do not mean to attack the story or you as a person. This is just my opinion on how the story could become better and how you can better your writing.

Sorry if I get a bit nit-picky, I just want you to become the best writer you can be. I'm doing this to help you, not to bash you.

(And please, if you’re going to say it’s bad because English isn’t your first language, don’t bother. English isn’t my first language either, but you can get good at it if you work at it, try hard, and learn from your mistakes. Hell, I made some of the mistakes in this story when I first started writing, so I know what it’s like!)

At first glance I can say you really need to work on your spacing. It's not a full on brick of text (thank you for that) but it still needs to be put in proper paragraphs. A rule of thumb when it comes to paragraphs that I find helpful is that every separate thought needs its own paragraph. As it is now, it's still rather straining on the eyes to read. If you wrote this in Word, remember that dA has a different way of formatting and you need to space out the text more as you post.

The very first sentence can be re-worded, it just sounds clunky and weird to me.

The teacher pointed at a small boy with brown hair and big brown eyes, looked pretty girly to you. -- Weird sentence build, maybe word it as 'The teacher pointed to a small boy with brown hair and big, brown eyes who looked pretty girly to you.'

“I’m sorry about them, they can be irritating some times, I’m Haruhi Fujioka, it’s nice to meet you (name). [...]” -- Put a period after 'times' and before 'I'm', as Haruhi started a new thought there. Sometimes is also one word.

"[...] These two are Hikaru and Koaru Hitachine.” --The twins' last name is Hitachiin, not Hitachine. It's also Kaoru, not Koaru. You could also use 'those two' or just simple 'this is' instead of 'these two', but this is just my opinion.

You need to put a period after every sentence, even those that ends a paragraph or quotation. I see a lot of places where you've missed this. I’ll try not to comment on it every time, but I might mention it again. If I commented on it every time, it would be very repetitive. A few more commas wouldn’t hurt either. I won’t write out sentences or parts where only a comma is needed, so if you’d like more help on that, feel free to send a note my way.

“That’s it I’m out” -- This sentence could use a comma between 'it' and 'I'm', as well as a punctuation mark after 'out'.

“Uhh….no thanks, roses aren’t my favorite” -- There are three dots in an ellipsis, not four. The sentence could also be re-written to read "Uh, no thanks. Roses aren't my favorite flower." or something along those lines. The addition of the word 'flower' would make the sentence more complete in my opinion. It also lacks a punctuation mark at the end.

You could write 'Uhh' and any variation thereof as just simply 'Uh', I think the reader gets the idea anyway. Same goes for 'umm'.

'this is werid' -- 'This' needs to be capitalised. It’s also spelled ‘weird’ not ‘werid’.


You usually don't want to start sentences with 'or', 'and' or 'but', so any sentence that starts with this might need to be reworded or merged with the previous sentence. The only time it’s okay in my eyes is if it's a quotation, someone adding on to what someone else said or something along those lines.

“That’s Tamaki, he is in fact our king, and over there are Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai, they are third years. And my name is Kyoya Otori, I am a second year in Tamaki’s class” -- This sentence could be re-written, as it feels clunky and also has a sentence that starts with 'and'. "That's Tamaki, he is the king of the host club. Over there you have Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai, they are third year students. My name is Kyoya Otori, I am a second year student and in the same class as Tamaki." as an example.

“Kind of like you Haruhi” he jotted something down into to a black book -- Comma after 'you' and before 'Haruhi', period at the end of both sentences, 'he' needs to be capitalised.


[…] but Honey called him Takashi? -- The question mark feels a bit out of place for me. 'but Honey called him Takashi. I wonder why?' might be a better way to convey the characters confusion.

The sound of his voice sent shivers down your spine, and then you blushed -- Could be reworded as 'The sound of his voice sent shivers down your spine, making you blush.'

“Ok guys, what do you want to hear, I have plenty of Bach and Beethoven, some stuff I wrote and some American classics and folk. I think I might have Irish and Celtic in hear too” You flipped through a stack of sheet music -- You could add a question mark after the first 'hear', making that a sentence on its own. One 'and' too many in the sentence after that in my opinion. 'some stuff I wrote, some American classics and folk', unless it's American classics folk music. Might want to add 'music' after folk.

“OOOOOO you should play and American song for us” Honey said excitingly and Mori shook his head in agreement -- Don't do all caps, as it's annoying to read. If you want your character to scream, shout or yell, bold it. Here, I think it would suffice with a simple 'Ooo' or 'Ooh', as it nowhere states that Honey shouted the first part.


“Alright, I have a few hear, some fiddle music and here’s some slower stuff” You flipped through -- I think you mean 'here' and not 'hear'. This sentence is overall a bit clunky, I would personally skip the 'a few hear/here' part and just write "Alright, I have some fiddle music and some slower stuff." maybe add "What would you like to hear?" after that. Also, flipped through what?

“What’s fiddle?” Honey asked innocently -- This feels like an incomplete sentence. "What's fiddle music?" makes it feel more complete.


“It’s really fast and up-beat violin music” you said mono toned flipping through the music still – Clunky sentence. It sounds better if you put it as 'you said in a monotone voice as you continued flipping through the music sheets.' or something along those lines. Don’t forget to put ‘sheets’ after music, or it just gets confusing.

“yeah sure, I’ll just pick one by random I guess…..” You sifted through without looking “Alright” You chose one and looked at it “The Devil Went Down to Georgia it is” you held up the piece of music “ But I don’t need the music to play this one”  -- There's a few things wrong with this part. First off, 'yeah' needs to be capitalised and an ellipsis only have three periods. You sifted through what without looking? You could move the "Alright" so it's together with "The Devil Went Down to Georgia". How can you hold up a piece of music and also play music without music? Adding that you're talking about music sheets would make the whole thing so much clearer.

 “Kyoya be polite! If she said she doesn’t need the music we should trust her!” Tamaki sounded serious now – I’d put a comment after ‘Kyoya’ and ‘be’, and also add the word ‘sheet’ after music. It gets confusing if you don’t add that you’re talking about music sheets here. Music in itself is not a thing you can touch or move.

“Alright well here it goes,” You set down the music and took out your violin and bow. You tightened the bow and put a bit of rosin on it, and tuned the strings a little, then walked away from the table to an open area in the room, violin and bow in hand “I hope you guys are ready for this” You said as you started playing – Use some commas in the quotation, it sounds better that way. “Alright, well, here it goes.” Again, say ‘music sheet’ and not just ‘music’, it gets confusing. Too many ‘and’ in the third sentence. ‘You tightened the bow, put a bit of rosin on it and tuned the strings a little before you walked to an open area in the room.’ sounds better in my opinion.

You finished singing and playing the song everyone just looked at you wide eyed, but not Kyoya he just wrote down something in that book of his again. -- This sentence is clunky and could probably be broken down into two or more sentences.

“And what if I don’t want to play for all your “guests”?” you said back angrily – The word guests wither needs to be written as ‘guests’ or guests. You don’t want to put quotation marks inside quotation marks. This is also a perfect example of the only time where I find starting a sentence with ‘or’, ‘and’ or ‘but’ okay.

“Yeah Senpai what are you talking about? Why does she have to do this?” Haruhi said to Kyoya angrily as well -- Why is Haruhi suddenly angry?

“Well for one if she wants a place to practice she’ll have to be here anyway, there’s no other free room for her to use, and I’m sure the school will be upset with her if they found out she was going to clubs playing her music for reward money in contests.” Kyoya said with an evil grin – This is one long, run on sentence. See if you can split it into multiple sentences using periods to split them up somehow.

“How…how did you know that? You weren’t supposed to know that!” You said surprised at what he said -- Space between the ellipsis and ‘how’, also pretty sure the second ‘how’ needs to be capitalised. Comma after ‘said’ wouldn’t hurt either.

“I just happened to see a “battle of the bands” flyer in your bag with your entry name on it” Kyoya wrote something in his book -- What? This sentence is confusing. See if you can make this clearer somehow.

 “Fine! BUT STOP CALLING ME PRINCESS!!” you shouted at Tamaki -- Bold shouting, yelling and screaming instead of using all caps or use too many exclamation points. One is enough. Reading all caps is quite annoying, at least to me. I know I’m not alone in thinking that too.

 “Tamaki…..stop” Mori’s voice was so low and monotone as he spoke to Tamaki – Skip the ‘so’ in this sentence. ‘Mori’s voice was low and monotone as he spoke to Tamaki.’ An ellipsis only has three dots, no matter how long the pause is, and the ‘stop’ needs to be capitalised I think.

As you looked away from Mori everyone else had surprised looks on their faces like it was weird that Mori said that – This sentence could probably be re-written so it flows better.

“Uh y-yeah, I can. Do you want to hear?” You said as you walked over to our sheet music pile – “Do you want to hear it?” sounds better to me. I’m also sure that it’s supposed to be ‘your’ not ‘our’.

“Yeah I would like to hear” Mori said slowly fallowing behind you – Again, “hear it” sounds better in my ears.

“Hey come on guys” Haruhi whispered to Tamaki, Hikaru, and kaoru – Comma after ‘on’, capitalise Kaoru.

 “SHHHHH Senpai!” Haruhi whispered harshly at Tamaki – Again, bolding anything that’s supposed to be said loud works a lot better instead of just all-caps. This way, you notice that there’s something different with the sentence, but your inner reading voice doesn’t go screaming at the top of its none-existent lungs.

As you played Mori watched in awe. And everyone else watch you both as you played. – Don’t start sentences with ‘and’. Either merge it to the previous sentence or remove the ‘and’. (Though I would personally merge it with the previous sentence, as it would flow better.)

 “Is the only thing you think about is making money?” Haruhi whispered harshly back – Remove the second ‘is’, it’s a bit redundant.

 “Alright then” He said messing up your (color) Hair “I’ll meet you here after school” – Lowercase h in ‘hair’.

“A-alright” you said blushing at his touch “Hey you can’t mess up my hair!” you shouted trying to fix it – I’d move the ‘you can’t mess up my hair’ bit so it’s the first thing she says, because as it is now it’s a bit oddly placed.

Mori only gave a low chuckle. Then the bell rang – Maybe ‘Mori gave a low chuckle just as the bell rang’ would make this sentence flow a lot better.

“Well, everyone” You said packing up your things “I have to go to conductor class” You looked over at the others who were still in shock and unresponsive, except Kyoya.  “Umm ok? I’ll see you guys later then I guess.” You looked over at Mori “Good by Mori-senpai, I’ll see you in a couple of hours” Mori smiled at you and you smiled back and walked out the door to music room one for your class. – Make the last sentence its own paragraph. That’s really all I have to say about this.

So, that’s me reviewing and criticising the first chapter. The story shows great promise so far, you just need to edit some grammar, spelling and punctuation. I’m really excited to continue reading the story.

I also apologise for the mile long comment, I just saw that you showed great promise and want to help you. If you’d like, I’ll do the same with the other chapters. I can also work as a beta reader for any future writing, as it’s easier for someone else who doesn’t know the whole story and background to find spelling- and grammar mistakes as well as plot holes.

Again, great story! I really liked it!

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gabbycoma14 [2015-06-26 23:38:47 +0000 UTC]

Omg I love ity

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AuraLady [2015-02-05 23:35:26 +0000 UTC]

Kyoya you arse! Why can't you just compliment/admit things the way normal people do?!

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gab226789 [2014-11-30 21:03:10 +0000 UTC]

KYOUYA DUNT GO BAT SHIT CRAZY!!!!

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Soifon101 [2014-11-21 22:13:26 +0000 UTC]

AWSOME!!!  

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Pixleigh [2014-10-09 02:34:28 +0000 UTC]

This is an excellent fan fic. However my only issues are is that Mori talks too much and Kyoya is sometimes and extra douche bag, other than that everyone is in character.

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awesomegirl910 [2014-07-15 14:11:21 +0000 UTC]

I LOVE THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA!!!! <3

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KanraSixx [2014-06-21 09:42:29 +0000 UTC]

 Omfg, someone who listens to Bach and Beethoven

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thedarkestni9ht [2014-06-15 01:51:01 +0000 UTC]

Oh my heart!!! it's too perfect *faints*

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Melon-Block [2014-06-07 19:24:16 +0000 UTC]

I love the devil went down to Georgia It is a hard piece to play

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RipFandomTrash [2014-06-03 04:25:00 +0000 UTC]

Dawwwwwwwwwww it's so cute 

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JenMurcia [2014-04-29 01:24:33 +0000 UTC]

I love it XD heheh tamaki is always clueless.

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