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monstroooo — Embers - Part I
Published: 2011-03-04 21:40:31 +0000 UTC; Views: 1818; Favourites: 6; Downloads: 33
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Description Kate ran.

Her feet pounded on the cobblestones as she tore down the alleyway, each footfall echoing wildly around her. She risked a look back over her shoulder, stumbling as she twisted. Hazy orange streetlights filtered around the corner, but there was no sign of persuit.

Heart pounding and lungs heaving, she burst from the dark of the alley into the light of the street, stopping as her eyes adjusted to the wall of people in front of her. She almost clattered into an eldery couple, buried beneath thick coats and woolly hats, who tutted at her as they passed.

She looked left and right, wiping tears from her eyes. She stood on a narrow street lined on each side with small gothic houses, fronted by dark metal railings. A crowd shuffled down the street, seeming to glow under the orange lights.

Safety in numbers, thought Kate.

Still gasping for breath, she looked back down the alley. A shadow moved in the gloom. Her stomach tightened as – for a half a second – she caught a glimpse of yellow eyes staring right at her.  Then they faded, and the shadow slid smoothly up the wall and was lost in darkness.

Kate urgently joined the crowd, trying to push through the throng of people. The acrid tang of smoke filled her nostrils. A huge bang erupted over her right shoulder. People screamed and cheered at the sound, but Kate barely noticed save for the ringing in her ears.

It was festival night in Lewes. Every November, parades walked down the streets of the Sussex town carrying flaming torches and brands, towing carts full of leaping, spitting flames. Crowds of onlookers, often drunk and rowdy, lined the streets to view the spectacle – letting off bangers and revelling in the chaos. For one night a year, the very streets of Lewes burned in a festival of fire as if they were rivers of flame.

Kate filtered through the crowd, her breath finally calming, and collapsed on a set of steps leading to someone's front door. She had been just one of the thousands of spectators  at the festival. Her and her college friends had walked the streets, drinking alco-pops and laughing uproariously – shrieking like children at every bang. Now, she sat on the cold stone step, alone. She checked her phone – still no signal.

The gutter at her feet was lined with rubbish and burned-out torches,  the dead wood still smoking. A parade had passed this way already, weaving its way around the town before heading to Malling Brooks and the huge bonfire that waited to be lit by their torches. She wondered if her friends were also lying in the gutters now, charred and maimed. She drew a deep breath of freezing cold air – burning against her raw throat – and tried to steady the wave of panic building from her stomach.

Her reverie was interrupted by a scream from the crowd. Unlike the many cries that pierced the evening, this one was not accompanied by a bang. It grew in volume, was taken up by others. It grew into a roar, a hubbub of fear billowing out from the alleyway Kate had just left. The crowd slowed, turned to see the source of the commotion.

Kate was rising to her feet long before she saw the crowd begin to part. Something was coming through. She looked around her doorway, desperately seeking somewhere to run. She'd never be able to worm her way through the crowd. She looked up at the high wall which lead away from the house, parallel with the street.

With an agility she hadn't realised she possessed, Kate hoisted herself up onto the iron railings, using a heavy iron doorknob as leverage. She balanced uncertainly, leaning against the house with one arm. The wall was too high to step up to – she'd need to jump and hope she could pull herself over with her arms. She took a breath and tried to plan the movement.

Her hesitation ended as a fresh scream erupted behind her. She looked around to see a hulking, gorilla-like creature leaning over a man, pinning his arms to the ground. Smooth black skin covered its body – it was like a shadow given form. It raised its huge, horned head and directed its yellow-eyed gaze right at Kate.

Before she could think, Kate pushed away from the railing, launching herself at the wall. Her chest crashed into it and her arms gratefully reached over the top. Somehow, her movements driven by fear, she used the momentum from her leap to swing her leg up and above the wall. She pulled herself over and lowered herself down the other side, landing heavily. Her chest and arms were raw – but she'd made it.

She found herself in a dark garden – spiny, shadowy shapes loomed out of the dark towards her. She pulled herself to her feet and forced herself to keep moving, glancing back toward the wall as she moved.

She didn't understand what chased her, nor why. She didn't know how long she'd been running – maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour. But the thing was unrelenting, always one step behind her. She pulled her arms around herself, suddenly aware of the cold of the night. The sweat lining her back seemed to freeze against her skin. She shivered.

There was a gate at the back of the garden. Opening it, Kate found herself in another dark alleyway. A burned-out torch smoked listlessly on the floor nearby. The distant sounds of explosions and crowds echoed around her. She tugged a hood over her head and crept down the street, rubbing her aching arms.

The alley bent around a corner and onto a street once more, blazing with fire and light, raucous with the shouts and bangs of a parade. Kate shouldered her way through the bodies to the front of the crowd and watched the fiery procession pass by. Adults and children alike, in striped outfits, carried burning torches aloft as they passed. The heat was intense, and Kate indulged in its radience for a moment. She closed her eyes and held her hands out to the warmth.

Another bang went off, startling Kate half out of her skin. Her ears rung from the sound and a wave of dizziness washed over her. It must have gone off right at her feet. She leaned back into the crowd, covering her face. Hands grabbed at her shoulders. Someone spoke in her ear. The world faded away to distant voices and darkness – for a moment, Kate felt like she was falling sideways - before the sounds of the street began to filter in again: footsteps and shouts and crackling flames.

She opened her eyes wearily, staring into the parade. It had stopped right by her, the marchers looking around impatiently.

"Are you alright, love?" a voice said from behind her. She nodded in response and looked around to regain her bearings. Her breath tightened in her chest when she saw it: up there on the rooftops, hazy against the heat of the flames, stood a shadow. It prowled the rooftop, its hulking, ape-like shape striding restlessly across the tiles. Its movements were swift, pensive.

It's looking for me, she thought. Oh God, it's looking for me.
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Comments: 43

DarkestCornersLIT [2011-08-02 21:41:10 +0000 UTC]

hi there
your wonderful piece has been featured in the latest issue of DCL Darkest Corners Lit 13- Ongoing Series
please the article if you don't mind and good luck with the rest of your projects

best wishes
DCL Crew

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monstroooo In reply to DarkestCornersLIT [2011-08-03 21:27:17 +0000 UTC]

Brilliant! Thank you so much

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DarkestCornersLIT In reply to monstroooo [2011-08-03 22:04:21 +0000 UTC]

my pleasure

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Rakushasu [2011-06-28 14:26:40 +0000 UTC]

I liked this one very much. Like others stated, a good start. A simpl 2 words to start a story.
What I also liked, was that you started right away. You know as we see it today in movies and also in stories. First we have the friends meeting, than a party and after a while something is happening. You instead choose to start right in the middle of her being followed by something evil. That is a great start. First, you start right at the action, so people can directly dive in and get some action. At least thats what it was like for me.
Also, you mentioned that she was on her way with some friends. but not what happened to them or where they are. I know want to know what happend to them, were the thing first came from, why it attacked her (and her friends) and of course why it is hunting her. You really made me want to go on reading this!

Some other little things I noticed. Is no one else noticing this thing that is following her? And also why isn't she telling someone or going to the police or something like that? I know its probably because it happened right away, the police is to far away, she wants to hide from it and so on. Its just a little thing, that you should think about and maybe you should just state it somewhere (if you do it later, I didn't say a thing!) and say why she is not going.

Also another thing, you wrote, that the monster / thing attacked people. These people were in an alleyway she had left before. The first thing that comes to mind is, is nobody noticing or hearing that? Sure it is an alleyway and that, but you should either describe it a little more, saying that it is a long alleyway and the bangs of the festival are even a little bit more quiet then somewhere else. Also if someone would notice that, they would probably call the police to investigate and stuff.

These are just some remarks! I am not saying the story is bad or anything. On the contrary I enjoyed it a lot. Just think a little about the stuff I said.
Also the last line was damn good. Its a real good ending for this part. It really shows Kate's fear.
Well then I got some more chapters to read!

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monstroooo In reply to Rakushasu [2011-06-28 16:05:51 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the critique!

Having read your guide on starting a story, I'm particularly glad you approve of my beginning I do enjoy a good, pacey start.

I hope some of your questions will be answered if you read through the story. I will say that people do notice the creature - but amid the general chaos of the festival, it gets lost more than it normally would. I should perhaps try to make that notion a little clearer, although it should certainly be a subtlety of the story, not something thrown in the reader's face.

In this particular section, Kate bursts from a dark alleyway (with no-one around), and into a crowded street. The creature appears on the street and forces its way through the crowd toward Kate. That's very much noticed - I make a point of mentioning people's screams. I don't focus on that, though, because Kate's perspective is the important thing here. No-one gets attacked in an alleyway I'll have a read through and make sure that that's clear.

Thanks for the comments though - it's good to read people's interpretations of the story. It's the only way I can judge what works, and what doesn't

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Sleyf [2011-04-17 11:10:18 +0000 UTC]

Finally I got to read some of your work! I have to say as far as a first chapter goes I love the way it's so action packed and leaves us wondering what happened to lead up to it, what is the gorilla like creature, and why is it only after Kate? I also like that you wrote it in the festival too because it adds a whole new atmosphere of excitement and tension too, with everyone enjoying themselves and hardly noticing her peril (aside from the victim of course )

It's actually nice to see someone writing about Lewes, my mum comes from there and I spent a lot of summers there with my grandma, although to be honest I never went to any of the bonfire night festivals which was a real shame. My mum's been though and so have my cousins and it's always something I wanted to see. But really you actually made me very happy writing this. I'm also glad that someone else has trouble with pursuit and persuit

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monstroooo In reply to Sleyf [2011-04-17 11:22:00 +0000 UTC]

Haha! Thank you

You know Lewes? That's amazing If you ever visit again, you must let me know. I'll buy you a drink!

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Sleyf In reply to monstroooo [2011-04-17 11:52:32 +0000 UTC]

Hahah yeah where my grandma lived used to be a nice place, until they started moving troublemakers from other council estates there, it got so bad, there was this one kid Nathan, who used to string fishing wire across her path to trip her up and stuff. I'm sort of happy she's away from there now but also very unhappy that it's turned out that way.

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monstroooo In reply to Sleyf [2011-04-17 19:10:17 +0000 UTC]

That's terrible! Little rotters :/

I always thought Lewes was the sort of place where that didn't happen. Shame.

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Sleyf In reply to monstroooo [2011-04-18 10:19:47 +0000 UTC]

Oh no no, it happened a lot while she was there, they said that kid apparently had ADDH (I don't believe it!) I wouldn't say it to his face of course, he was like a giant at 14 , but things did settle down when they got him a puppy to keep him occupied, he got a little decent. Only when my grandma moved out he said she'd fallen down he stairs and died...which really upset her. Stupid ass

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monstroooo In reply to Sleyf [2011-04-18 10:27:15 +0000 UTC]

What a punk. If you know where he leaves, I'll find his house and burn it down

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Sleyf In reply to monstroooo [2011-04-20 10:51:22 +0000 UTC]

I'm not sure if he's still there...I haven't been down there in...hmm...maybe four or five years, a loooong time

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linaket [2011-04-13 01:42:55 +0000 UTC]

Some quick comments for you. I LOVE the beginning. So simple. She's running, I'm paying attention! Over all, its a very exciting, fast paced beginning. I found it drooped a little when Kate was thinking about being just a normal college kid, I'd maybe rework the wording there if you want to keep it. I also adore that her name is Kate--don't know if you meant to (if you're as anal as me about names, you did) but the name Kate means "pure". I like the contrast of a "pure" character being harassed by evil shadows.


Her feet pounded on the cobblestones as she tore down the alleyway, each footfall "feet" and "footfall" seems a little repetitive, maybe change "footfall" to "step" or something of that nature?

persuit -> pursuit

You have a few too many ,'s in the second full paragraph, it makes the reader kind of stall a little here. You actually have this problem throughout, maybe when you re-read it try to pull out some of the unnecessary ones simply by rewording your sentences. It would help with the pacing.

The festival in Lewes... is this real? Because I want to go. I'll add it to my list of awesome festivals right under Fallas in Spain.

Also, I understand that it would be loud, but I find it a little hard to believe that the screams of terror wouldn't reach over the wall that she climbed and people would be at least a little curious as to what was going on....



Yeah, I can't believe I put off reading your stuff. It's fantastic. I'll be back for more!

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monstroooo In reply to linaket [2011-04-13 07:19:21 +0000 UTC]

Thanks I'm super-proud of the beginning, actually, but no-one else had mentioned it. Nice to know it's appreciated

I had no idea Kate meant 'pure'. That's cool! And the festival is real. Quite an experience. I don't think I've done a great job of bringing it to life - of course, there's a balance between setting the scene and pacing the story. And pacing has to come first, particularly here.

Interesting observation about the 's. I'll have a re-read with this in mind. I think the whole story will get one final draft before I consider it really finished. I think you're right about the detail of the noise behind the wall, too. Very well spotted.

I'm glad you stopped by

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linaket In reply to monstroooo [2011-04-13 12:39:21 +0000 UTC]

ah, maybe I just noticed it meant pure because its part of my name and they have the same meaning

I think you balanced setting the scene and the pacing very well. If you would have overloaded with details of the festival it would seem more like a travel log than a high-paced story. It was just enough that I could imagine the scene perfectly.

I also forgot to mention that I love your use of the hyphen as opposed to other means of punctuation. Maybe because I adore hyphens for poetic means, and I always think that even a prose writer should use a poetic eye.

I can pull out some of the parts where I think the ,s slow it down a bit when I'm not so tired and distracted. I'll also be reading more, because I'm very curious as to what the heck is going on

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monstroooo In reply to linaket [2011-04-13 13:22:49 +0000 UTC]

It's actually been a while since I read this. Now that you've mentioned it, I should be able to pick out the 's myself If I can't, I'll demand you come back and account for yourself properly

A couple of people have told me off for using hyphens. I'm glad you approve I've, naturally, told them to hyphen off... but perhaps it's something I over-use.

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linaket In reply to monstroooo [2011-04-15 01:17:20 +0000 UTC]

Account for myself I shall, if you so desire.

Also--I wouldn't say you overuse the hyphens constantly, as they seem to become more infrequent in your later chapters. (Which I have read and will be commenting on when my brain is better equipped. stupid brain and its ded being.)

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monstroooo In reply to linaket [2011-04-15 08:20:00 +0000 UTC]

I think it's something I've become more aware of lately, and I've been ironing them out

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Tsuki-Kotei [2011-04-05 03:51:14 +0000 UTC]

Your writing style makes it very suspenseful. I'm thirsty for me. I will definitely read on.

K.

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monstroooo In reply to Tsuki-Kotei [2011-04-05 08:55:13 +0000 UTC]

That's great to hear! I see you've got as far as Chapter three Appreciate the

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EmmyIsAZebra [2011-04-03 06:57:21 +0000 UTC]

Very exciting introduction! It gripped me right away and kept me captivated the entire way through. I love the pacing and the action in this. It keeps you on the edge of your chair in a delightful sort of suspense and leaves me asking questions and wanting to know more about those shadows.

Well done! Thanks for writing.

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monstroooo In reply to EmmyIsAZebra [2011-04-04 09:07:57 +0000 UTC]

Thank you Emrose!

I really needed that - I showed this to my Mum over the weekend. She was NOT impressed

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EmmyIsAZebra In reply to monstroooo [2011-04-04 15:51:13 +0000 UTC]

My pleasure!

Awww, Really? Well I didn't share the same opinion. It's all subjective I suppose because I honestly found it a great opening.

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monstroooo In reply to EmmyIsAZebra [2011-04-04 16:08:26 +0000 UTC]

Thanks That means you get a

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EmmyIsAZebra In reply to monstroooo [2011-04-05 03:43:57 +0000 UTC]

Yay! I love hugs.

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Wepwun [2011-04-01 14:26:23 +0000 UTC]

Good story, lot of action and mysterious shadow to add the suspence. My boy above have right, you got a talent!

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monstroooo In reply to Wepwun [2011-04-01 15:50:16 +0000 UTC]

Thank you!

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ZakndriinAuvryviir [2011-03-31 08:21:03 +0000 UTC]

Wow, it was really good. I like the ending especially. You are very good with descriptions by the way ^^

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monstroooo In reply to ZakndriinAuvryviir [2011-03-31 09:17:44 +0000 UTC]

I appreciate that, thank you

This isn't an ending though - the story continues in part two!

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ZakndriinAuvryviir In reply to monstroooo [2011-03-31 09:19:33 +0000 UTC]

I just need time and EYES to read trought it To be honest I hate read from monitor and try to read in parts.

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monstroooo In reply to ZakndriinAuvryviir [2011-03-31 09:20:40 +0000 UTC]

Oh that's fair enough Just making sure you knew it was there

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juniorel [2011-03-18 22:05:16 +0000 UTC]

The visuals in this are fantastic, and it's so full of action. Loved it! I will look for more.

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monstroooo In reply to juniorel [2011-03-19 09:11:44 +0000 UTC]

Thanks! The action and visuals are what it's all about There's a few more chapters up, I'm adding a new one every week or so

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rsmpdx [2011-03-17 06:13:15 +0000 UTC]

When it comes to conveying a sense of urgency, shorter words and sentences might be a better choice.
I'm noticing the tendency to use a dash "-", it's throwing me off, no reason a comma won't work, or even a period.
Short sentences are fine.
Kate was rising - this is passive, try to keep your prose more active...Kate rose.
You identify Kate by name more than necessary, once we know Kate's name, you don't need to keep referring to her as Kate, Kate can just become she.
I try to stay away from "was like a", instead of "it was like a shadow", I think "a shadow" works just fine.
You have some good descriptions in there as well, keep in mind you want to show, not tell.
The action seems a little cluttered, and it seems Kate keeps doing things with no idea how she was able to do them. Sorry if I'm being negative, I like to get to the point with my critiques.
Good luck, keep up the good work!

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monstroooo In reply to rsmpdx [2011-03-17 09:10:29 +0000 UTC]

Thanks for the thoughts

I'll have a look over it and bear this in mind.

I don't think there's an overuse of passive language, though. Nor do I think there's any passive phrasing which hinders the pace of the story. It's something I'm very aware of when writing. I'll have a thorough check over and make sure.

The dash is a perfectly acceptable punctuator. It's a shorter beat than a comma, far shorter than a period. I find that over-reliance on short sentences leads to writing that looks like it's been produced by a five year old. I prefer to shake things up a little.

Kate doesn't do anything supernatural or even untoward in this story. She's driven to surpass her expectations occasionally through survival instincts. It's not like she's developed the power of flight - she's just climbed a wall (something she doesn't do that often in day-to-day life).

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DramiraSK [2011-03-12 02:09:39 +0000 UTC]

This is really cool! Sorry it took me so long to get around to it.

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monstroooo In reply to DramiraSK [2011-03-12 09:06:19 +0000 UTC]

Hehe, you don't have to read anything

I'm glad you enjoyed it though!

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DramiraSK In reply to monstroooo [2011-03-12 13:54:43 +0000 UTC]

I WANT to read it!

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xLeah7x [2011-03-05 22:23:03 +0000 UTC]

Okay....so I want more. xD

I love your diction and your emotions here--very suspenseful! I love it, great work!

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monstroooo In reply to xLeah7x [2011-03-05 23:02:52 +0000 UTC]

Thanks!

You'll get more soon, I promise!

(The nicer you are, the quicker the next parts will come... )

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scarletbird [2011-03-05 00:03:04 +0000 UTC]

This is a very intriguing opener. The action and suspense is very well done--I was drawn in until the very end, and the last line is a great way to end it. The occasional mention of the fireworks, in particular, I thought was used very well to punctuate the descriptions and also add a sense of urgency. I have no idea where this is going, but I'd love to find out.

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monstroooo In reply to scarletbird [2011-03-05 09:53:26 +0000 UTC]

PHEW!

I've been working on this story for ages. This particular part has been polished and redrafted dozens of times - to the point where I think I'm happy with it. It's such a relief to hear that someone has enjoyed it!

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scarletbird In reply to monstroooo [2011-03-05 17:23:49 +0000 UTC]

This has some really strong writing in it-- you should definitely be proud of all the work you've put into it!

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