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monstroooo — Embers - Part II
Published: 2011-03-11 23:35:57 +0000 UTC; Views: 683; Favourites: 4; Downloads: 9
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Description Jolted by a kick of adrenaline, Kate moved through the crowd and down the street, squeezing between bodies. The onlookers had stopped with the parade and the streets were thick with people – a wall of coats and wollen hats. Kate pushed her way through, standing on feet, kicking shins, and pushing people out of her way as she moved. She was small and slender and managed to make reasonable progress, but the crowd seemed to grow ever closer, ever tighter. As she inched down the road, the shadow on the rooftops seemed to follow.

Exhaustion and fear welled up inside her. She felt a wave of tears rising, but faught them down. Sniffing, she kept barging through the crowd, ignoring the cursing that was sent her way. She managed to find a junction and slipped off the main street into a side road. Free of the crowd, she ran down a hill into the blue darkness of the street, unable to hold back the sobs as she fled.

She looked round to see if the shadow was still behind her. Hardly able to see past her hood, she twisted her body right round - losing her footing as she did so. She crashed into the floor with a cry, landing heavily on her shoulder. The world went black for a moment as the impact bit into her.

Idiot, she thought to herself between alternating waves of pain and disorientation. You fell over, you idiot.

She shifted on the floor, taking her weight off her bruised shoulder. She tensed her muscles. They screamed in protest, but they all flexed. Nothing seemed broken.

Footsteps rang down the street, coming towards her.

Get up, she told herself. Get up, quickly. It's coming.

Coughing, she pushed herself up to her knees. Everything hurt.

"You OK there?" a woman's voice asked. It was curt, authoritative. Kate didn't respond.

"You're alright," the voice concluded. "Up you come."

Hands took her by the shoulders, and pulled Kate up to her feet. She winced as she straightened – the pressure on her shoulder almost unbearable. She looked up to see a police officer in front of her.

"OK there. Deep breaths," she said.

Kate tried to take the advice, but her breaths came out short and sharp, nervous exhaustion racking her lungs.

"The... There's..." she muttered around gasps, but couldn't steady herself enough to speak.

"You're OK, love, calm down," the police woman said. "Medical assistance required, St Martin's Lane," she barked into her radio.

Kate looked around, trying to get her bearings once more. She struggled to see in the darkness. Twisting her head, she could see the street she had come from, the light dazzling against the gloom. Almost unnoticed, a shadow slipped down a building.

"Oh my God... look..." Kate gasped. The police woman gave her a concerned look, taking a step back cautiously. Kate pointed, and the officer turned to follow the gesture.

"What's..." she began, before disappearing with a rush of air. Like a gust of wind, the shadow leapt into the police woman, as if from nowhere, and they vanished from Kate's sight in a blur. Kate whirled around, following the movement, to see the officer's body crumpled against a low stone wall. The creature leaned over the body and tensed up, as if inhaling a great breath. It stood still for a moment then leaped onto a wall and up onto a rooftop. It seemed to almost dance around the tiny space – hopping around in a wild frenzy.

Kate paced backward steadily, holding her hands over her mouth to suppress a scream. The shadow leapt from the roof and landed in front of her. The thing stood some five foot tall, thick and broad. It walked on its hulking forearms. A huge head hung down beneath its shoulders, a flat, squaresh shape with wide, slavering jaws and two thick horns which curled round in front of it. Its broad back sloped down somewhere behind its shoulders, ending in two short, stubby back feet. Up close, Kate could just about make out a pattern of dark red lines crawling over the its skin like a tortoiseshell.

It crept toward her, moving smoothly and shaking its head. A great tongue lolled out of the corner of its jaws, dripping strands of thick saliva. Its breath reeked of something rotten. Kate backed away until she felt the cold of the wall behind her. The beast advanced slowly, yellow eyes locked on hers.

There was another bang – a huge crack of thunder - and the beast lurched sideways, rolling awkwardly before righting itself and staggering into a wall. It looked down the street with a growl. Kate slid down the wall, barely in control of her breathing, and followed its gaze.

Another shadow stood at the far end of the street – cast in the shape of a man. He stood with a long rifle raised towards the creature. A wide-brimmed hat sat on his head, obscuring his face. A heavy coat draped down either side of his body and a bulky satchel hung across his back. An arm reached to the rifle and pulled back a catch. Another bullet snapped into place with a mechanical crunch.

The beast steadied itself, crouched down for a moment, then hurled itself forward, a bolt of black lightning, towards the man. More thunder followed - Kate couldn't tell if the bullet found its mark. The beast swept over the man, who staggered to one side and pushed away with the rifle. The shadow almost seemed to bounce off him and bounded away down the street before leaping up the side of a building and disappearing over the rooftops.

The man lowered the rifle and loaded another bullet into the chamber.

He strode up the steet, boots ringing heavily on the stone floor. He stopped at the body of the police woman and pushed her shoulder with the butt of his rifle. She slumped over sideways, sprawling awkwardly on the floor. The man turned away and moved to Kate.

He stood in front of her. A hand reached down and gripped the top of her head. It roughly pushed Kate's hood down, found its way to her jaw, and turned her head up to what little light there was to see by. She gasped in protest, but his grip was like iron. Her eyes gazed into the darkness beneath his hat.

He leaned forward, allowing the dim light from street to reveal his features. His angular head was framed by lank dark hair, his face hard and covered in leathery skin and stubble. A bulbous nose looked like it had been broken several times. His eyes were dark and piercing.

"Interesting," he growled.

He released Kate from his grip and stood up straight, casting his attention over the rooftops. Kate brushed her face with her hands, as if to clean off the stranger's touch, and stroked strands of mousey hair back across her head. With a sniff, she pulled up her hood and dragged herself to her feet.

The pain in Kate's shoulder was intense. Standing up sent a wave of dizziness through her. She leaned against the wall with her good arm and hung her head. She felt sick to the stomach. She looked around to see the stranger standing on the opposite side of the small street, leaning against the low wall and watching her intently. He made no move to help.

With a sigh, Kate pushed herself away from the wall and started to walk slowly back up to the street. She wasn't sure whether she should be more afraid of the shadow-beast that had chased her, or the man who now watched her movements. She looked up to the main road  where orange light spilled invitingly into the alley – the parade seemed to have passed, but people still drifted by in thick clusters.

"It will find you again," said the stranger. His voice was deep and gruff – less than comforting in the darkness. Kate half-turned to face him. "Safer this way," he said, beckoning in the opposite direction, into the shadows of the street.

Kate stood for a moment, looking from the main road and back to the man.

"Who...." she began, before coughing to clear her throat. "Who are you?"

The question hung in the air.

"Your salvation," he eventually replied.

"From what?"

"From the fire daemon that's been chasing you half the night."

"The... what?" Kate raised a hand to her head. "Whatever," she said, then turned to walk up the street – deciding that she'd rather try her luck with the police.

"You don't believe me?"

"I don't trust you," she called over her shoulder.

"Smart kid."
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Comments: 17

Rakushasu [2011-06-28 16:23:35 +0000 UTC]

Damn that was a good one. And it also cleared some of the questions I posted in the first one.

I liked the stranger and the way he talks. You always give your readers only a little bit of information about new things and make them want to read on. It seems you have talent to create cliffhangers. The last two lines want me to read on and find out what the hell is going on and who this guy is. And also shows me that he is probably dangerouse.

I also liked the describtion of the monster. And also the action parts or the parts when the men fired at the monster were nice. They were short and were described well.
Well lets just say you are pretty good with the describtions overall.

I also have to add a little critic to the stranger. Right now the man seems just like the typical 'I am dangerouse girl' and 'you don't trust me? Good girl' guy we see quiet often. But well he was just introduced, so I am going to read on and see how he will developes!

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monstroooo In reply to Rakushasu [2011-06-29 11:51:21 +0000 UTC]

Great!

Clichés are prevailant in storytelling - sooner or later, you'll come across one. Sometimes they help establish character quickly; other times they just work well. There's a reason that some patterns get repeated a lot

So yeah, you might find him to be a bit of a typical hard-ass. I won't apologise for that, though, because it's part of what makes the story work. I just hope you don't find it too offputting!

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Rakushasu In reply to monstroooo [2011-06-29 12:25:56 +0000 UTC]

Don't worry, it wasn't offputting in any way!
And yeah there are good clichés too and I have to admitt I also like hard-ass characters or badasses! I just wanted to say, if you use him, flesh him out a little and well don't make him the typical hard-ass. Make him your 'own' character, if you know what I mean!

Since I didn't read for now and you only introduced him, this is just a little site note. I am waiting to learn more about him. And of course the monster, Kate and why its following here!

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ZakndriinAuvryviir [2011-04-01 05:39:22 +0000 UTC]

The stranger gaves me shivers I think it would be a good action movie ^^

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

monstroooo In reply to ZakndriinAuvryviir [2011-04-01 11:26:54 +0000 UTC]

That would be great! Next stop, hollywood :cool:

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TarienCole [2011-03-22 18:48:21 +0000 UTC]

You keep the pace of the scene moving well. You probably don't want too many details here actually. Maybe a sign or two, or a unique building facade. Just something to add a sense of movement. If we start describing things too heavily, it'll cut down on the urgency of the scene.

The only nits I'd pick are you use "OK" three times in almost as many paragraphs. Even though it's dialogue, I'd still find other words for a couple of them. Your punctuation in both parts is somewhat erratic stylistically as well. I'd also say the paragraph where the creature attacks the cop is a bit burdened by modifiers. In an action scene, try to keep the sentences short and the images concrete.

But all in all, this is a fairly well-executed opening with enough originality and solid pacing. It has my attention.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

monstroooo In reply to TarienCole [2011-03-22 20:04:26 +0000 UTC]

Thanks man I appreciate the feedback. I'll look into the nits and try to smooth things over. The 'OK' thing sounds like a good catch!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

TarienCole In reply to monstroooo [2011-03-22 20:06:54 +0000 UTC]

not a problem

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DramiraSK [2011-03-15 21:59:28 +0000 UTC]

You make this pace of this unfold perfectly. The descriptions you put in even aid to that as well. I really love how you introduced the man with the rifle and gun. Plus, he seems like one BAD dude, I wanna read more about him.
I got a really unique and interesting picture in my mind while reading this.
Im surprised this is just a draft, its a damn good draft, haha. I'd say a lot more but at my skill level there's nothing I can say that can give constructive feedback towards your story. Id just go on and on about how awesomesauce your writing is, hehe.
MOAR PLZ.

Oh, and what inspired this, by the way? I think its really cool!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

monstroooo In reply to DramiraSK [2011-03-16 12:16:17 +0000 UTC]

Thank you! I really appreciate that. This story (or at least, this part of it) is all about action and pacing.

You'll read more about the mysterious stranger. Hopefully he'll retain your interest

I call it a draft because I know I'm going to come back to it in a few weeks/months - if only to add more detail about the town. This passage of text must have been through half a dozen revisions already. The prose is pretty polished, it's the overall story that'll need another look.

This is really heavily influenced by Terry Brook's Running With The Demon. A book I read about 10 years ago but has still left a hold on me.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

DramiraSK In reply to monstroooo [2011-03-16 14:27:23 +0000 UTC]

hm never heard of that book,.
Well, it's cool that it got in your head so deeply!

Yeah, you do action and pacing well and I think I can learn from it.
Monstroooo, I love you! hahaha

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

monstroooo In reply to DramiraSK [2011-03-16 15:53:12 +0000 UTC]

Oh, shucks

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wulfluva [2011-03-12 08:36:08 +0000 UTC]

i love this story!
While I was reading it, I thought about this as an animation, actually. XD

if I ever get Flash, the first thing I'm gonna do is make this an animation X3

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

monstroooo In reply to wulfluva [2011-03-12 09:05:42 +0000 UTC]

It's funny you should say that - I've actually been thinking of turning it into a graphic novel !

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

wulfluva In reply to monstroooo [2011-03-12 22:01:50 +0000 UTC]

that would be so cool XD

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

juniorel In reply to wulfluva [2011-03-22 19:49:09 +0000 UTC]

I second this. I was also seeing it animated, and I think it would be awesome as a graphic novel, although I love the written version as well.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

wulfluva In reply to juniorel [2011-03-23 04:05:01 +0000 UTC]

it would be cool if we could get all three C:

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