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monstroooo — Gunshot
Published: 2012-07-22 20:24:50 +0000 UTC; Views: 405; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 3
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Description
It was almost like a gunshot,Your voice coming through the wire.
It was cruelty incarnate,
That unremitting qualifier.
"You think you love me?"
I repeated like a buffoon -
For your brutal soliloquy
Was to me as a monsoon
Stripping away my dignity
And tearing apart my pride.
Then you left me to my pity,
And all the pain I held inside.
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Comments: 27
a nice piece. I liked the second stanza the best because of "I repeated like a buffoon" got a real clear image there.
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Cheers!
Bah, that 'buffoon' line was nothing less than a desperate stretch for a flagging mind. But I guess such things do on occasion produce the goods. Glad it struck a chord!
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Maybe but there is something so self-deprecating about it that formed the character quickly, I think, and made me sympathize easily.
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That's all good! I just didn't like the word "buffoon"
Still, eye of the beholder and all that!
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haha, the artist is rarely satisfied.
true, true.
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As always, excellent work. I like how simple the poem is while at the same time being very complex. You put a lot of emotion and a lot of story into an incredibly tight space. It hints at so many interesting things and really sparks the imagination. Well done!
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And you done a poem good. Real good.
It's the unfailing rhythm of classical poetry and couplet rhymes that makes a poem a poem to me. You've used those techniques beautifully here with some quite unusual rhymes; I love monsoon and buffoon, gunshot and incarnate is a little mismatched, but that's not to say they don't work 
Although I mightn't say you'd captured the 'gunshot' prompt completely, this poem is brilliantly succinct - like a gunshot - really packing a punch in only 3 stanzas.
Very well done, sweetie 
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hehe, I thought both rhymes were a little stretched really
Thank you all the same, though!
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Oh, I don't know, it was still damn good for a 20 minute challenge!
You're welcome
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My goodness your rhyming abilities are fantastic! I wish I could come up with something so seamless on the fly. It flows very nicely. I like the second stanza the best. I can distinctly picture the persons face as they say "you think you love me" and I like the comparison to a monsoon.
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I think this one is quite good as well. You should write more poems.
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Thanks! I seldom get the poetry urge these days 
I think the problem is that I've basically been happy for two and a half years now. Who needs poetry when you're spiritually content?
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Re: "Who needs poetry when you're spiritually content?" -- Everybody does.
Poetry can be an exhilirating ride if done right, and I believe you know that.
Any decent 'happy' poetry, humorous prose, limericks, etc., can be good for everybody.
It's good for the sadsacks, for the rejected, for the ill and especially for the dying. Right? Right.
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I really love the mixture of love and violence here, and the way you've managed to link the two together with a rather innocent poetic form. I think the rhyme scheme is lovely.
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That's interesting actually - I hadn't deliberately planned to collide love and violence like that. Just a happy accident, I guess
I think you're probably right about the last line. I was sort of struggling with how to finish it... perhaps I'll come back and revise it sometime
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I think after writing something you always need to give yourself a little break from it. 
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I think that's very good advice
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... I also just realised I typed 'fresh airs' instead of 'fresh eyes'. -__- I fail as a human being.
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Ha! I didn't even notice, what does that say about me...?
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But shall I tell you something? All the best people are.
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