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moonjava — freeway woodstock -part 3-
Published: 2004-03-25 23:56:05 +0000 UTC; Views: 219; Favourites: 1; Downloads: 14
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Description Chapter Seven
Grass and Feather stepped out of the bus and looked around.  Some people had set up small grills or tables under plastic tarp tents next to their vehicle.  One car was completely painted, with different scenes and figurines glued onto shelves attached to the doors.  Flowers were stuck to the hood.  There were a few people milling about.  Feather could see some booths and a stage set up ahead.  A girl wearing a dark blue dress with starts painted on it and long dreadlocks stopped in front of them.  First gasping, and then smiling broadly, she called out Grass’ name.
Grass recognized her and they hugged.
-Hey Celeste, what are you doing here?!
Celeste grinned and said
-I’m hanging out with some friends.  How about you, man?  Wow, it’s so groovy to see you here.
Grass turned and beckoned for Feather to join their conversation.
-Well you see my friend, Feather, I was hitchhiking to California and she and Hendrix have helped me out.  But we lost Hendrix and we’re trying to find him now.
-Ohhh.  Hi Feather, I’m Celeste.
Celeste hugged Feather warmly, and a huge waft of marijuana hit Feather.
Celeste happily chattered about what she’d been up to since her last encounter with Grass.  They walked away from the parking lot, towards the woods.  Feather adjusted her backpack and smiled back to the strangers walking past.  It was almost as if they’d known each other for years, a cosmic family.  Celeste led them to the edge of the woods.  A few people were sitting in a semi-circle.  One woman was nursing her baby; two middle-aged men were drinking beer and playing chess.  The rest of the group were chilling to a cassette player and passing a joint around.  Celeste introduced Grass and Feather.  Grass took a hit and passed it to Feather, who did the same.  Feather said she wanted to walk around, and they’d meet up later.
The hills sloped gently and the orange yellow pink sun was setting.  The surroundings were so beautiful, evergreen trees sprinkled on the hills, a few campfires blurring like dragonflies in the distance.  Feather heard distant laughter and the silence of the wise trees.  She lay down on her back and gazed at the transforming sky.  The sun was melting into the landscape.

Hendrix declared that there was only one more mile left until they reached the site.  Rad and Shane stopped talking and Rad pointed at the sun.
-Look man, see that blood see it shining and dimming?  That’s our life.  He’s going to go somewhere else now.  So tonight we’re free.
Shane nodded like it was music and added
-But it’s us that are going to go somewhere else now.
Laughing, Rad asked Shane if he’d raided the contents of the breath mints can in the pocket of the door.
-What, you’ve got acid?
-Yeah, a couple tabs.  I’ve been saving them for sometime special.
-Man, that’s crazy.
The station wagon drove on, past the same lazy cows and never-ending fields.  Within fifteen minutes they found a space and got out.  Hendrix immediately saw Feather’s bus and pointed it out to Rad and Shane.  
-I’ll go see if she’s there or if there’s a note.
Rad and Shane drifted off, having spotted old friends.  Although Hendrix didn’t find a note or Feather, he knew that she was here, which quieted any worries he had.  Someone tapped his arm and Hendrix spun around and was face to face with a man dangling a bag full of pills in front of him.
-Want some?
The man was extremely skinny, wearing a baseball cap pulled down to hide his face.  The hand holding the bag quivered expectantly.  Hendrix sidestepped him shaking his head.
-I don’t think so man.
The man shrugged and shuffled away.  An older woman smiled Hendrix as if he were her son.  He returned her greeting.  He wandered around, looking for Feather or Grass.   Walking towards the woods, he thought he spotted Grass.
-Grass?!
Grass looked to see who had addressed him, and spotted Hendrix.
-Hey man!!  You found us!  Wow, far out.  What’s happening?
-Not much.  Hey, where’s Feather?
Grass scrunched up his face and shrugged.
-Wow.  Good shit.  Uh she left a while ago, to take a walk or something.  I can’t really remember.  She shouldn’t’ be far away.
Hendrix nodded and his eyes searched the hill.  He spotted her, lying down with her eyes closed, some distance away.  Grass and Celeste followed Hendrix over to where Feather was lying.

Feather opened her eyes at the sound of approaching footsteps.  Crying out his name, she jumped up and embraced Hendrix.
-Where have you been?
Hendrix kissed her cheek and explained that she and Grass had guessed correctly.  He had needed some time to figure things out.
-I’m so happy to see you again!
Celeste suggested that they eat some dinner.  One of her friends was making pasta and toasted bread with pesto.  Everyone agreed that it sounded excellent.  They were walking back when a coarse voice screamed Hendrix’ name.  Rad came up, running.
-Dude, oh hey everyone, I’m Rad.  Who’s that?  Is that Feather?  Shit man I just tried this amazing shit.
-Yeah, I’m Feather.
-Wow.  Nice to meet you!
Celeste asked Rad to join them for food.  Rad more than happily agreed, claimed he was starving from fasting for four days.  He pulled out a breath mints can and said that he’d share tabs with everyone in return for their kindness.  He winked at Feather and laughed at Hendrix’ shocked expression.  Celeste excitedly pronounced that his offer was very far out.  They had reached the campsite of Celeste’s friends and the aroma of pasta was ecstasy in everyone’s hungered state.  The cosmic family sat around a smoldering fire, eating as if they hadn’t eaten in days, sharing stories and listening to Sly and the Family Stone.  The mother of the nursing baby introduced herself as Sue.  Her baby was contentedly playing with a teddy bear that Sue herself had sewn.  The two middle aged men who had been playing chess were Tom and Barry.  There were also a twenty-something guy whose name was Bodhi and a woman named Sunset.  Sunset was pretty quiet and after dinner, went off to a tent.  Bodhi played with the baby (Mountain) and laughed with the group.  As Sue gathered the dishes, Rad pulled out the tabs.
-Now, who’s with me?  I’ll explain everything in a second.
Everyone but Sue and her baby, and Sunset were in.
-Okay.  These are acid tabs.  They’ll dissolve on your tongue.  It’s not the strongest stuff; it’ll probably only last three hours.

A half an hour later, the music had changed to Santana and everyone was up and dancing.  Everything was moving, things that technically weren’t supposed to be moving, but it all made sense to then.  Sue had Mountain in her lap and they were clapping along.  To Feather, Hendrix looked like there was no end to his physical form, the lines were blurred, pulsating and ever-changing.  Colours pulled him about and were coming out of every single cell.  At one point, he had eight arms.  Celeste’s dreads became tree roots and sprouted leaves as if time lapse photography was on fast-forward.  Roses and chive flowers grew out from her skin until the only thing that remained were her eyes.  A tornado of Santana violated the fire’s space.  Sparks and embers flew into the peaceful night sky, joining with stars above.  The wavy Hendrix danced with Feather.
To Hendrix, Feather’s body parts were moving in and out of proportion, in coordination with music.  Her eyes and smile were enveloping his physical self with their love.  The feeling had shapes; they were multi-coloured tendrils, like smoke.  She was waving her arms around and he began to be afraid she’d tip over and land upside down underground.  He pulled Feather close to him and danced with him hugging her.  The place where his hands touched her back started growing and he felt the skin splitting. Hendrix felt a filmy, somewhat slick something emerge.  Gasping in awe, Feather’s back exploded with large wings.  The wings looked like millions of shining cells.  They glinted in the fire’s glow.  Feather spun out of his tight grasp, but held onto his numb hands.  Hendrix leaned forward until he felt his balance move like a see saw.  He came back up and kissed Feather with passion he finally agreed to release.  It flew out of him and into Feather like a powerful river that had just broken down a dam.
Feather’s own voice surprised her and sounded extremely disconnected.  She tried to express that she wanted to go swimming.  Somehow Hendrix understood her mumble.  Feather touched her tongue to see if it was still there.  Hendrix nodded away to Sue and felt his voice try to tell her that they were going swimming.  Sue smiled and kissed Feather’s head goodbye.
The music was so loud that Hendrix and Feather could still hear it for some time.  Somehow they found the lake.  The moon cast rippling reflections on the water and the still reverie of the forest was beautiful.  They undressed and slid into the muddy water.  Feather couldn’t really feel the water, the non-existent texture was very confusing, but she didn’t really think about it too long.  One part of her brain remembered how to swim, and she floated on the magical material.  She collided with something solid.  Hendrix had been watching her, but been processing what kind of vibe the lake gave him.  It suddenly dawned on him that Feather had swum into him.  She was laughing and the sound echoed throughout his body.  He started laughing too and slipped on the grimy bottom.  Feather pulled him back up and stroked his hair, away from his eyes.  He noticed that she had forgotten her wings.  Senses heightened, Hendrix slowly moved his hands over Feather's body.  He could feel the tiny hairs on her lower back, her freckles, and her breathing most of all.  His body responded to the feeling of her nipples against his chest and the matching of coarser hair under the water.  Feather explored Hendrix' body, seeing it in the light of the moon before her, strong and free.  She pressed herself against him feeling their heartbeats coarse through themselves.  Kissing each other deeply they moved together in their own world of ecstasy.   
An odd sound was coming closer.  It was someone’s footsteps.
-Excuse me, but you aren’t allowed to swim in the lake.
A policeman, looking embarrassed, stood several feet away.  He looked like he’d rather be anywhere but here, talking to two naked hippies who seemed to be on something.  Hendrix managed to form the sentence:
-Policeman sorry get our stuff will we do.
Feather smiled at the policeman, who nodded, blushing.
-All right, have a good night.
Oblivious to the cold, Hendrix pulled Feather, naked and wet, out of the lake.  Worried that the policeman may be going back to get reinforcements and arrest them, Hendrix hastily pulled on his clothes and gave Feather hers.
-Hurry up Feather, I think we’re in trouble.
-Hendrix, he’s not going to bring trouble.
-I don’t know.  Don’t know.  Let’s just go back to your bus.
Feather agreed and put on her clothes.  She held Hendrix’ hand and they found their way out of the woods.
The bus was comfortably warm, as if there was a fireplace hidden somewhere in its interior.  Feather plugged in the Christmas lights and pulled out the futon.  They could hear the music from outside, but all either of them were conscious of was each other.  Emotions raging, they undressed each other and kissed with passion.  The evening melded together as Hendrix and Feather further explored each others' bodies.  Damp, excited, and with a fair amount of lsd still moving through them, Hendrix felt confident enough to touch Feather.  He moved his fingers inside of her, and attempted to internalize her warmth.  Feather trembled with pleasure and a moan escaped her throat.  Hendrix watched her content expression and felt that he loved her, that all of her imperfections were what made her so perfect.  She leaned on one of her elbows, pulled him down with her other arm for a kiss of appreciation.  Although she was unsure of what to do, Hendrix taught her how to pleasure him.  He felt the familiar thrill, his breathing quickened, and letting go of all the inhibitions society pressed on him, he felt the blinding release-the ultimate bliss.
They lay, tangled, sweaty, and short of breath, together on the futon.  Feather kneeled over Hendrix,
-Goodnight Hendrix of the many mooned star
    He responded with a kiss, and pulled the blanket over their bodies.
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Comments: 4

Geomasher [2004-07-07 20:55:44 +0000 UTC]

Wow. Fucking wow.

Your edit was awsome. The descriptions and images were burning realities. The whole scene is transformed from that. The passion between Feather and Hendrix is starting to flesh out really nicely later on. I'm buying this definetly.

The Cop interrupting them was a bit unwelcome in my mind, though . That is really too sweet a situation (Them both high and alone together naked in the river) for a cop to come along. Maybe add it in a later part of Part 4, or much earlier on in Part3 if you want to sort of get "the man" into it. I know it sounds pigish, but I, the reader, really want to see where Hendrix and Feather go, y'know?

And another stylistic suggestion, the stoned bits when Hendrix and Feather are together is kind of distracting, you could mesh it in with the action to make it less so. The italics show the distracting parts.

"Somehow they found the lake. This was actually quite shocking, considering their altered state."
could be:
"They navigated through the mutated forms and colors for some time before finding the lake." This shows that their high is distorting their clairity, without pressing the pause button to explain (the first quote feels like that somehow).

They tackled each other and blew bubbles underwater

From the story so far, I was kind of thinking that they would have been more mature or adolescent acting. This is somewhat childish. But they're your characters, not mine.

This is a section that I have some suggestions for. the "..." means something was cut out. italics means something that should be condensed, or doesn't need its own sentence (like what I said above), and [] shows something I had added either for mood, or to just give more info.

The music was so loud that Hendrix and Feather could still hear it for some time. Somehow they found the lake. This was actually quite shocking, considering their altered state. The moon cast rippling reflections on the water and the still reverie of the forest was beautiful. They undressed and slid into the muddy water. Feather couldn’t really feel the water, the non-existent texture was very confusing , but she didn’t really think about it too long. She’d temporarily forgotten how to swim, which was okay because the water was still ... shallow... . One part of her brain did remember however, and she floated on the magical material. She collided with something solid. Hendrix had been watching her, but [had] been processing what kind of vibe the lake gave him. It suddenly dawned on him that Feather had swum into him. She [laughed,] and the sound echoed throughout his body. He started laughing too and slipped on the grimy bottom. Feather pulled him back up and stroked his hair, [pushing it] away from his eyes. He noticed that she had forgotten her wings. [They hugged one another as they went under.]
They crawled out [ten minutes later,] naked and soaking wet[.] ...They lay together on the bank, [oblivious to the cold night air].

If any of th'additions conflict with your master-goddess-eye-view of the story, of course erase it. I'm starting to fall in love with those 2 characters

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

moonjava In reply to Geomasher [2004-07-08 02:24:19 +0000 UTC]

thanks for the "wow" and stuff, that made me feel good. okay, soo for the cop thing-well i still don't feel really comfortable writing a sex scene, and plus, i didn't want it to happen a.that night b.when they're tripping on lsd
i know that i would be sor tof upset too, reading this and being like: okayyy they're naked and high..just went swimming..and goddamit i hate cops!
i also see what you mean about the first [] part, like..when i was writing it, i noticed that that part was unlike it because i was actualy coming into the story as a narrator, so i'll rethink that. So i know what you mean about the pause button thing.
well the tackled and bubbles thing..like i don't know tackled is a bad word for what i was actually thinking because well it was more of a sexual thing. but the blowing bubbles part...heehee childish things like that make me happy so i don't know...especially if you're stoned i think that that would be fun. so i'll keep that. I like your [] in the section of my story you took out but i can see that you really wanted to see some action with the [ten minutes later] part hahaha..soooo that's probably not going to go in that direction.
Again, thankssss~!!!!

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

Geomasher [2004-03-31 01:07:58 +0000 UTC]

Cool. This story is heading into some interesting directons...you could involve Feather's parents later in a climatic conflict (when they get home maybe their parents meet? Imagine the sparks fly in that! )

Minor suggestion: in the end, take out "silently", and just have "crying in frustration", cause I sounds a bit more fitting, considering how much her parents hate her.

Larger suggestion: could you have more action in it (rather than just dialoge back and forth's)? Because the prose sounds kind of flat otherwise, you know?

For example, the 1st example is a piece of your writing that's a bit underpumped with action, the second is an edited version with more action:

[The main mountain of dishes washed, Hendrix went outside to chill for awhile. He soon saw Rad and Feather and Shane approaching. Rad waved crazily and Hendrix grinned. Feather looked down shyly.
-Hey Rad!
-hiya Hendrix. What’s happening?
-Just finished the dishes for the Hog Farm. Hey Feather, I just thought of something.
-yeah?
-I have to call my mom. Can we drive into town to use a phone?
-Oh wow, I totally forgot about that. Sure, let’s do it now.
-Okay.
Rad clapped Hendrix on the back.
-Go man go, we’ll be around.
-alright.
Hendrix walked with Feather to the bus.]



[The main mountain of dishes washed, Hendrix went outside to chill for awhile. He was pacing the tents and admiring the flora when he saw Rad, Feather and Shane wandering back to their place through the other mass of tents. Rad waved crazily in the distance as Hendrix grinned.
"Hey Rad!", he shouted to him far away, Rad nodded in the distance, but Feather looked down shyly.
-Hiya Hendrix. What’s happening?
-Just finished the dishes for the Hog Farm.
He turned to Feather, her genial eyes bore into his. He just stared for a moment before asking.
-Hey Feather, I just thought of something.
-yeah?
-I have to call my mom.
He away slightly embarassed. He wish someone here had a cell or something.
-Can we drive into town to use a phone?
-Oh, wow. I totally forgot about that. Sure, let’s do it now.
-Okay. Thanks
Rad clapped Hendrix on the back, before taking off
-Go man go, we’ll be around.
-alright.
Hendrix walked with Feather around the mosaic of tent types and colors to the bus, surrounded by tall gras which melded with the assorted fields that could be seen for miles.]

I don't care if you think my changes are abominable , just note the higher degree of action. It keeps the reader more involved, y'know?

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

moonjava In reply to Geomasher [2004-03-31 01:29:53 +0000 UTC]

oh yeah. wow haha thanks. when i was retyping it, and when i was originally writing it, i began to become frustrated with myself because i felt like my sentences were more for a movie script, simple and direct-like how the characters should act, rather than a story. so yes. i actually like your version a lot better minus some parts but when i get the time, i'll go back and edit those kinds of paragraphs. Thank you SO MUCh for your suggestions. you have no idea (or maybe you do) how helpful they are.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0