HOME | DD
MooseSpringsteen — 1.*
Published: 2004-11-21 05:31:30 +0000 UTC; Views: 204; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 27
Redirect to original
Description
"I've never understood why." His head was lulling back over the bar, arms dangling limply beneath him."But we still listen to them," he mutters, staring into the sky, blinking less and less. "All our lives they have told us how different we are. How special we are. But we still listen. It has all lost any purpose it may have once held." His head tips back farther as his eyes water and tear over. "I have finally decided to stop listening, to stop hearing them."
"Then what will we do now? What else is there we can do?" The breeze washes her face with tender locks. She wipes the hair from her eyes and wraps herself tighter against the late autumn wind.
"That is what I haven't figured out yet. At least what we will do eventually. For now I will try to forget it all. No. There's one thing I will try to remember that they've said." His eyes close and a tremor takes him, rattling his head against the bar. He breaths deeply and stands up against the wind to walk over to her, "It's time to go back."
"I thought you said you were staying here?"
"I was going to, but they were right. They are right", he puts an arm around his sister as they walk back along the creek to the compound.
"What were they ever right about? What have they said that wasn't a lie. You know the truth."
"I don’t know. Maybe. All I can hear," his voice cracks, "is ringing in my head again."
"They're pushing you too far. Maybe if you tell them its happening again they will slow down. They won't risk their performer. Their favorite," she looks down at the reds and oranges beneath her feet, missing the crunching sound from earlier that fall. They won't let up, she knows this, but it was costing him so much. She could not keep watching him suffer for them. For any of them.
"No. They tell me it's because I resist. They will only make me do more."
He stops walking and she looks over to him. He's having another tremor. She reaches up to wipe the tears from his cheek and he starts to stagger over the fallen leaves, back again.
"Jester?"
"Carissa."
"What lie would you have yourself remember?”
"They once told me not to stare into the sun.”
Related content
Comments: 12
i remember reading this before... i liked it then, i like it now, and i'm still really curious about the entire story. i like it as a dialogue piece. it's very mysterious. one thing about the content i'd criticise is that we know where he is in the scene, but we don't know where she is. i thought they were standing/sitting side by side till u said that he walked over to her. it's all very well to be vague and mysterious, but sometimes leaving out certain things just creates confusion if u know wot i mean 
i like the way u ended this piece, about not looking at the sun.. because if we think of it from our world, time, etc, they didn't lie to him... but we'd have to see the reasons why they told him not to look at it, and then see if they're lying. very intriguing...
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
aye it leaves many things out, and its not supposed to be very defined. it was just dialogue practice that i still sorely need, and it is meant to be a scene, not the beggining, not the end, just a scene. scenes do not explain the whole story.
i didnt particularly find the position of his sister important to define exactly. shes just standing there, but it isnt important. its important where he is and what he's doing.
and aye theres some structural errors i have yet to fix, i dont catch alot of my own editing mistakes.
i've thought about continuing it but i dont know if i'd be able to pull enough meaning out of it. i dont want to parralel any other stories, which i may, and i have other things i'm attempting to work on...cough..hah.
thanks for the comment macs.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
no problem.
the point about the sister is... well, when writinig one creates an image, and in this case the image had a small piece missing. but as it's just a scene, and it seems like a part of a scene, u would probably have mentioned the entire setting previously. so i guessssss.... we'll have to let u get away with it
but as dialogue, it's very good. i wish i could turn out dialogue like this
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i have issues with writing lol. with imagry, i'm like...i know what i'm talking about...so why write it all down? lol. thanks, i still need better dialogue though if i'm ever to write something longer than a scene.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
hmm... why dont u practice with funny things that happen to u? try and reproduce the situation in play-like form.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
neh, half the issue is creating dialogue, and positions, not just structure. and i dont like to talk about myself or things to do with me in a creative sense, and am loath to write them down.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
Corey, has ne1 ever told u ur BLOODY PICKY?!
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i like it.
i'm not sure why.
personally i'm horrible at commenting on the things people write.
advanced critique is something i probably won't be able to give.
i wish it were longer but the shortness adds to the mystery.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
in my reply to the comment above yours i explain why it is so short from now, but it will be longer, though i will not be direct, much will be obscured at least untill i decide how i get to the current point. this is primarly practice with dialogue (though it is extremely distracted writing, it is primarily practice) but i will try to continue along this to practice so that it progresses. thank you for the comment, and i hope you enjoy it as it slowly unfolds, as i find time.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0
Typos first: its and wont in the seventh line from the bottom should be it's and won't respectively. Unless, like George Bernard Shaw, you prefer not to
The first bit of dialogue is also a bit...convoluted. I would suggest the following structure as an alternative:
"I've never understood why." His head was lolling back over the bar, arms dangling limply beneath him.
"But we still listen to them," he said, staring into the sky, blinking less and less.
The dialogue and description here is quite good, despite a little awkwardness here and there. You never explicitly say who the two characters are, or what they're talking about. I took the man to be Native American, but that's completely unfounded. I wouldn't say that specifics are called for, but perhaps a little more information to allow readers to hang a theory on.
Overall, a brooding and enjoyable read.
👍: 0 ⏩: 1
first, thank you for the critique and comments, they are always hard to come by.
i've never been good with dialogue but wish to get much more serious with my writing as i count down the last of my senior year before i start my english degree, which i am already taking freshman classes towards. sadly i had to go out an escape my house as well as get food so i could not continue writing, and revising, though that wouldnt have made the dialogue any better
as for grammar, to tell the truth it gets in my way. i do not correct that untill afterwards, even when it impeeds the flow, it does not come first.
main ideas are main conscern, order, means of presentation, etc,
then word choice, and metaphores, literary tools etc,
3 metric tons of allusions,
connecting terms or ideas to actually give it a flow
then
somewhere...
down here...
\
...
....grammar and spelling.
i need help, very VERY bad on my dialogue because i stay away from it and stick with dripping descriptions because i hate my dialogue, and the structure is the largest problem.
if you have time to look over whatever else i have and make specific structural suggestions and comments on dialogue i would be most appretiative.
👍: 0 ⏩: 0