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God has answered many of my prayers. For the unanswered ones, of course sometimes the things I hanker for aren’t good for me, so the answer turns out to be 'No'. Sometimes the answer seems to be 'Wait', and these are lessons in patience and trust. Is God good? Check. Does He love us and know what is best for us? Check. Is He an almighty, awesome, miracle-working God? Check. Is what we're asking for in line with the bible and everything we know about His will and character? Check.

15 years ago, my husband and I prayed for our son, but things got worse, not better. Our son had two cardiothoracic procedures including open heart surgery, MRSA sepsis a few times, a Klebsiella infection which sent him into cardiac arrest for 40 minutes and left him badly brain damaged, and a few doses of highly potent drugs which (may or may not have) caused a huge tumour to grow in his abdomen, leading to a resection of half of his liver. He also had half of his left lung removed.

Dear hubby gave up somewhere around the third or fourth MRSA infection. If he had thought of God as a good father who would not give His child a snake when a fish was asked for (Luke 11:11), within a few months of our son’s birth he could only conclude that God had replied to all his prayers with a snake. Hence, God either was (a) not good, or (b) not real, and either way he was done with God, and church, and pastors, anyone who even tried to talk about God to him.

I could not conclude that God was not real or not good. And when doctors kept throwing up their hands in despair and saying they had no answers, there was nothing to be done, I knew that basically all I had left was God.

Today, Son has outlived all the expectations of medical science. He is at home with us in his own bedroom which looks pretty much like a high-dependency ward. He is on a ventilator 24/7. He has a tracheostomy, eats a liquid diet through a naso-gastric tube, and has spastic-quadriplegia. Over the years, I have read everything about healing and faith and prayer that I could. After a couple of years, I realized I didn’t need another book, or another healing rally. I always appreciate the prayers and encouragement of people, but basically all I really need is just God and my faith in Him. I could talk all day about how cheerful and cheeky my son is though he cannot talk or use any of his limbs, and how over the years God has answered many of my other prayers and blessed us and Son in countless ways. But this is about the struggle of my faith journey.

“You’re doing so well,” people have told me over the years. “You have such faith. Such an inspiration.” But they do not see how, over fifteen years, there has been a numbness and weariness that has set in without my realizing it. My prayers had become mechanical. When I read Proverbs 13:12, it struck me that my heart has become sick. Really sick. I’ve been praying for fifteen years, and my hope has been eroded as the answer to my prayers has been deferred. My head believes. My heart doesn’t really, anymore. God led me to my heart and made me realize that what I honestly felt inside was this: “Fifteen years. You’re a miracle-working God, why couldn’t You just get him off the ventilator? I can cope with his not walking and not talking and not eating, but it sure would be nice if he didn’t have to be at risk of dying of asphyxia every single moment. Is it always going to be like this, because Your ways are not my ways and Your thoughts are nothing like my thoughts? And Lord, who is going to care for him when I’m gone?”

And God made me realize that a lot of my hobbies (I read fantasy books, write fanfic and paint fantasy art) are a form of escape: running away from the pain and stress of my son’s situation and the uncertainties of our lives and our future. Except that He doesn’t want me to run away; He wants me to go to Him and let Him restore my faith and my hope through my relationship with Him.

Every longing finds its fulfilment in Him. I found the solution to Proverbs 13:12 in this verse:

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8, NLT)

As I bring my heart to him like the psalmists, honestly, hiding nothing, and spending time in the waters of the Word and His presence daily, He will renew my hope and trust.

Song: My God Reigns (ALM:uk)

I have a hope so sure
An anchor for my soul
My peace in the worst of times
I trust in God alone

Let every voice declare it now

My God reigns
His love will never fail me
My God reigns He's ruling over all
In all my life
In every situation I know
My God is greater my God is over all

By faith I have believed
And on this truth I stand
No power in life or death
Can take me from His hand

Above all sickness above all fear
Above every heartache here
In earth & heaven My God reigns

Above all power above all thrones
The greatest love I've ever known
Today forever my God reigns

Description

God has answered many of my prayers. For the unanswered ones, of course sometimes the things I hanker for aren’t good for me, so the answer turns out to be 'No'. Sometimes the answer seems to be 'Wait', and these are lessons in patience and trust. Is God good? Check. Does He love us and know what is best for us? Check. Is He an almighty, awesome, miracle-working God? Check. Is what we're asking for in line with the bible and everything we know about His will and character? Check.

15 years ago, my husband and I prayed for our son, but things got worse, not better. Our son had two cardiothoracic procedures including open heart surgery, MRSA sepsis a few times, a Klebsiella infection which sent him into cardiac arrest for 40 minutes and left him badly brain damaged, and a few doses of highly potent drugs which (may or may not have) caused a huge tumour to grow in his abdomen, leading to a resection of half of his liver. He also had half of his left lung removed.

Dear hubby gave up somewhere around the third or fourth MRSA infection. If he had thought of God as a good father who would not give His child a snake when a fish was asked for (Luke 11:11), within a few months of our son’s birth he could only conclude that God had replied to all his prayers with a snake. Hence, God either was (a) not good, or (b) not real, and either way he was done with God, and church, and pastors, anyone who even tried to talk about God to him.

I could not conclude that God was not real or not good. And when doctors kept throwing up their hands in despair and saying they had no answers, there was nothing to be done, I knew that basically all I had left was God.

Today, Son has outlived all the expectations of medical science. He is at home with us in his own bedroom which looks pretty much like a high-dependency ward. He is on a ventilator 24/7. He has a tracheostomy, eats a liquid diet through a naso-gastric tube, and has spastic-quadriplegia. Over the years, I have read everything about healing and faith and prayer that I could. After a couple of years, I realized I didn’t need another book, or another healing rally. I always appreciate the prayers and encouragement of people, but basically all I really need is just God and my faith in Him. I could talk all day about how cheerful and cheeky my son is though he cannot talk or use any of his limbs, and how over the years God has answered many of my other prayers and blessed us and Son in countless ways. But this is about the struggle of my faith journey.

“You’re doing so well,” people have told me over the years. “You have such faith. Such an inspiration.” But they do not see how, over fifteen years, there has been a numbness and weariness that has set in without my realizing it. My prayers had become mechanical. When I read Proverbs 13:12, it struck me that my heart has become sick. Really sick. I’ve been praying for fifteen years, and my hope has been eroded as the answer to my prayers has been deferred. My head believes. My heart doesn’t really, anymore. God led me to my heart and made me realize that what I honestly felt inside was this: “Fifteen years. You’re a miracle-working God, why couldn’t You just get him off the ventilator? I can cope with his not walking and not talking and not eating, but it sure would be nice if he didn’t have to be at risk of dying of asphyxia every single moment. Is it always going to be like this, because Your ways are not my ways and Your thoughts are nothing like my thoughts? And Lord, who is going to care for him when I’m gone?”

And God made me realize that a lot of my hobbies (I read fantasy books, write fanfic and paint fantasy art) are a form of escape: running away from the pain and stress of my son’s situation and the uncertainties of our lives and our future. Except that He doesn’t want me to run away; He wants me to go to Him and let Him restore my faith and my hope through my relationship with Him.

Every longing finds its fulfilment in Him. I found the solution to Proverbs 13:12 in this verse:

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7-8, NLT)

As I bring my heart to him like the psalmists, honestly, hiding nothing, and spending time in the waters of the Word and His presence daily, He will renew my hope and trust.

Song: My God Reigns (ALM:uk)

I have a hope so sure
An anchor for my soul
My peace in the worst of times
I trust in God alone

Let every voice declare it now

My God reigns
His love will never fail me
My God reigns He's ruling over all
In all my life
In every situation I know
My God is greater my God is over all

By faith I have believed
And on this truth I stand
No power in life or death
Can take me from His hand

Above all sickness above all fear
Above every heartache here
In earth & heaven My God reigns

Above all power above all thrones
The greatest love I've ever known
Today forever my God reigns