mrgrinmore In reply to flamespeedy [2014-12-10 23:00:33 +0000 UTC]

Heh.  Thanks!  The action starts becoming more prevalent from this volume on, though emphasis is still stronger on the characters reacting to things than the events happening themselves.  Few more pages in and a tiny bit of foreshadowing from before comes into play again.

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flamespeedy In reply to mrgrinmore [2014-12-10 23:26:57 +0000 UTC]

I am looking forward to it, I would love for you to check my manga script out

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mrgrinmore In reply to flamespeedy [2014-12-13 00:22:07 +0000 UTC]

All right, I gave it a read.  Hope you take my following words as humble advice and some is of use to you.

A few spelling and grammatical errors, nothing too major.  You do have quite a bit of 'telling' instead of 'showing' being used via the characters' dialogues and inner monologue but thankfully it isn't so pervasive that it would need rewriting instead of revision in that regard (believe me, I've read plenty that was the former... XD).  Primarily the story strongly seems if not influenced by Death Note then not differentiating itself enough to sever that comparison and stand on its own separately.  Granted, there is very little script uploaded thus far, but most of the description is of the characters' relative positions and emotions, not as much nuances of posture, 'mood lighting' and other description of what tone the panels or even the pages should have with the exception of the greater context of each entire issue.

All of these are things that might help with revision as well as planning out your story's voice that makes it unique.  Granted, my own scripts are often sparse on details to eliminate the superfluous, but my experience with artists in the past working from my descriptions has always been that while they do need to have room to work their style and perhaps even come up with something better than you originally envisioned...  They absolutely do not want to go through many revisions, or to feel displeased with the end result due to confusion that had them make something less than what they later envisioned once they understood it.

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flamespeedy In reply to mrgrinmore [2014-12-13 06:50:00 +0000 UTC]

Thank you so much for the writing all that up.
I will take everything as constructive criticism and try and fix any problems currently & down the line with the manga.

The story is heavly inspired from death note, so I'm glad you spotted that out.

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mrgrinmore In reply to flamespeedy [2014-12-13 11:11:42 +0000 UTC]

Glad some of it will be of help and it was taken positively!

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flamespeedy In reply to mrgrinmore [2014-12-13 11:36:56 +0000 UTC]

I have noted all what you said down so I can check back on all the feedback and suggestions made to me, to make sure it will keep me on track.
The story will eventually start to drift away from being a death note copy, to having it's own story with the death note style elements. The story just right now is leading up to where I can fully start to dive in and go all out.

One thing I hope people will notice, is that it's death note inspired, and not death note copied.

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mrgrinmore In reply to flamespeedy [2014-12-13 11:43:18 +0000 UTC]

Right. 

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mrgrinmore In reply to flamespeedy [2014-12-12 03:28:43 +0000 UTC]

Sure!  I'll give it a read after work tomorrow.  Sorry I didn't respond before, had a bit of block on anatomy of one of the species in The FARAD System and between that and binging on Angel episodes (finally on the last season, about halfway through it) I just now noticed your reply to my reply. 

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