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mrgrinmore β Until All Is Stardust
Published: 2014-05-07 23:55:43 +0000 UTC; Views: 231; Favourites: 0; Downloads: 0
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Description
I wanted to be popular, desired for what I was.Now I see my folly then, hating their applause.
They can't see it's not craftmanship, not his skill.
They can't see I'm trapped here, inside the statue still.
Someone has to realize that the model is now gone.
Someone has to realize that the artist is a con.
Why, oh why, can't they see the hairs are too fine?
Why can't they see the golden tears are really mine?
Frozen, Midas' legacy conspired to provide him fame.
I'm golden, but would rather my freedom reclaim.
They coo and clap and awe and kiss the artist.
While I silently will weep until all is stardust.
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Comments: 38
I think it's great that you got in the spirit of the workshop and tried something a little different. While this is an interesting concept, I can't help but think of all the ways you'll be able to explore this story further e.g. a companion piece (prose or poetry) from a different point of view or even a prequel/sequel to this piece. Would you be interested in doing that or do you feel comfortable in leaving this as a stand-alone piece of writing?
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I would certainly be comfortable doing a companion piece to it if the inspiration strikes me gently enough that I'm not rendered unconscious and forget what said inspiration said beforehand.Β
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change. past to present. the statute cries out it is not truly carved out as an image of the model but simply the model converted.
I do see the points of Midas and stardust, and that the direct link had to be cut.
very direct and to the point once I see the missing bits. but then with the exact change spoken as we were not to do, what more could you do? is our model simply lost or the process found out at some point? if the artist is found out, what will become of the work? are we all frauds? is the art owned by us, or once out, does it exist on its own?
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A very interesting examination of the work.Β It definitely conveys an understanding of the work as I intended and for that I am grateful.
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I really like the feel to this, and it is always a challenge to get poetry with end rhyme right. I think what needs to be focused on in the pacing, looking for those stresses within the lines that keeps the pattern of the rhyme, Try reading it aloud a few times and really hit those stresses in your metering.
I also feel we need a clearer link to Midas and Stardust- are these even linked at all? Perhaps there needs to be almost more lines to add the the end of "stardust"?Β
Interesting piece though- it was even more challenging to use the workshop prompt as poetry rather than prose and the outcome is curious
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I'll keep that in mind if I come back and revise the piece later sometime.
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Because this is so short I would like to see a focus on, and extension of, a single image(or two closely linked ones). Interesting premise though!
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I'm not quite certain what you mean by that...Β Do you mean taking a line or two and draw them out, make them longer?Β Because I'm not sure what you mean by a single image or the like if not that.
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You have a statue on a stage, Midas, and then stardust. There is a connecting element but it seems choppy to me right now.
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Hm.Β Any suggestions on resolving the choppiness?
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It's a bit tricky because the structure is tight. Maybe this would work best as a sonnet or something really rigid, now that I think about it.
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Which would mean changing the rhyming from a-a-b-b to a-b-a-b if a sonnet...
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And adding meter. Yeah, it'd basically be a new thing. o:
For this one, since you're keeping it in free verse, I'd say maybe a looser structure would give you the space to draw out the images. But, honestly, I'm not that experienced with poetry.
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Me either unfortunately.Β
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It's been a long time since I've looked at poetry outside of use as a vocabulary building exercise, so I wouldn't take my critique on the poem structure itself too seriously. Since you put it under free verse, I'm more willing to forgive any meter issues than some of the others. Honestly, I think if this was set to music, most of those meter issues would actually disappear.
As for the imagery itself, I'm a bit biased. The Midas myth is part of Greek mythology, which I enjoy. I think this piece fits the workshop criteria well, and I hope you take this idea an expand on it sometime, either in more poetry or as prose.
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Thank you for your critique.Β I do find writing lyrics easier than other poetry, so I understand what you mean with regard to the meter issues disappearing possibly...Β I might actually expand it in that direction in addition to fixing the meter as normal free verse poetry.
I do have a short story idea in mind before this poem was written tied to the Midas myth and other Greek mythologies overlapping in a 'rags and bones' reinterpretation, which while different from this poem might be uploaded at some future point when I actually work it out in detail.
Additionally, the Midas myth, other Greek mythology and other mythological pantheons and the like are boiled down either in my RPG System's core books or for future expansions.Β I tend to find whether consciously or not, a lot of my stories have ties to a lot of mythology of old, in addition to new mythology for the universe I set most of it in.
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Firstly, I have to agree with previous commenters that if you really want to take this piece to the next level, you should give some careful thought to metre (call it rhythm, flow or what you will). There are a number of great tutorials out there - one of my favourites is darkcrescendo.deviantart.com/aβ¦
That said, I like the idea you're working with here. You've chosen an interesting perspective to work from, and I like the fact that the narrator got what he/she wanted, but not at all as they had in mind. I think you could make more ofnthat twist, actually! Some more concrete details that let me build a clear picture in my head would probably give me a much greater appreciation of the story you're telling here. Like ArthurTheBraveOne , I wasn't quite sure how the stardust fit in, although it sure sounds cool!
I think you've done pretty well with the rhyme - it's tricky to tell a story (something I think you succeed in here) within that constraint, but for the most part you manage to sound pretty natural in spite of that. Well done!
Definitely a cool idea here and an interesting use of the prompt! I see quite a bit of untapped potential too - I think with some polishing and practice you'll be writing things that are even better.
Hope that's helpful - it's just an opinion of course. Please let me know if there's anything I could explain better than I have!
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While I agree that the piece could be improved by changes for making the meter consistent, it is freeform, and my prior attempts to make the idea and concept work without feeling forced were not able to be worked out with any meter that I tried.Β I'll freely admit my talents lie more with prose, but for my experience with poetry, better a shambling meter with meaning than a lifeless husk that stays within the metronome's comfort.Β I welcome any specific suggestions for improving the meter while still keeping the concept and life of the poem in place, and I may later find a way that does work I had not previously considered, but the contest entries needed to be submitted by the 10th of this month.Β While I do not presume to have any deserving of any prize for this piece, I felt the need to write it as it came, and submit it rather than keep it on my hard drive for weeks or days or months before I revised it to a higher level.
The stardust I thought would be more clear, but I suppose my own experiences and palette of reading material varies more greatly from others than I had thought.Β Gold is itself an element, and according to most cosmologists, when a sun explodes its heart, its core, will have changed from iron and other elements to fuse into gold.Β Everything else of the star will explode outward, leaving nothing but dust behind as planets and moons and asteroids in its wake are destroyed.Β Astrophysicists, especially those studying how the planets themselves formed, say that all elements came from stardust accumulating and merging together while still hot enough to undergo fusion.Β Hence the final line, that the narrator will silently weep until all is stardust.Β Because they can't escape, they can't do anything until they are broken down into stardust once more.
I'm glad that despite my meter failings the story of it got across for the most part and that the piece was appreciated.Β As said before, my talents tend more to prose than poetry, and I'll be uploading a few prose pieces later this month, possibly some more poetry that isn't on a time constraint as well.
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Hmm, perhaps my comment came off a little strangely because I meant it more as a workshop critique than as a regular comment. But since Writers-Workshop hasn't been all that active lately, it might not have been clear what I meant. In general, if a piece has been submitted to one of the workshops, I assume that the author is looking for suggestions on how to improve the specific piece - suggestions which, with a bit of luck they'll be able to implement during the second part of the workshop. It's not (to me) about who can write the best piece so much as about how much we can all learn about writing. 
I think it's fine to submit before you've done extensive revision, especially for a workshop piece on a time constraint - but hopefully one of the advantages of doing that is that you can then incorporate the workshop critiques into the revision! ArthurTheBraveOne has given some good suggestions on the metre. If you'd like more input from me, without my actually rewriting for you, we can talk about that. 
I think some of the confusion with the stardust thing comes from the fact that the Sagan quote says "We are stardust" - not "We will be stardust when our bodies have decomposed". You have a lovely idea in
they can't escape, they can't do anything until they are broken down into stardust once more.
but I'm not sure you're entirely expressing that in the poem. This is the sort of thing I meant about perhaps putting some more detail in.
Just a note of clarity on dates - I believe submissions are open and will be suggested for critique right up until the seventeenth, and the folder remains available afterwards. Editing and revision is encouraged right through the workshop and even after - that's what makes it fun!
Like I've said, this is already a lovely idea and you've got a bunch of technique down very well. I do think there's potential to make it even better though, and a workshop like this can be a great place to do that with support from the community.
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Ah, I had thought it was a regular critique, though I did and do appreciate the comment itself.Β With regard to work shopping it, or any piece in general, I welcome constructive criticism.Β I understand the generalization of your prior comment, but just didn't have anything specific I could take from it for improvement at the moment.Β I do welcome more input if you have any for this piece.Β Even if some might not be applied due to personal choice from it and other suggestions, reading it and considering it will help me both with it and other works as well.
With regard to the stardust and explanations via comment replies, I was trying to not be esoteric in the poem itself, poetic, but those that did understand the reference would have hopeful understood better than those that didn't.Β Sadly it seems it didn't come across as clearly as intended.
If it is open for revision and the like up until the seventeenth then I hope to make some improvement on the piece before the final date, though I'm not sure how well I can improve it yet without more specifics in suggestions, as due to my inexperience with poetry I find myself lacking the insight to take it to the next level without setting it aside and rereading it later when I have forgotten about the piece.Β
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It's a lovely piece!
While I feel you've put up a solid piece of work with your story and word choice, I do think your flow is a little choppy at times. Of course, choppiness sometimes can work, but here it feels off, especially because you go start with a certain flow and then disrupt it. For example, looking at:
"i WANted TO be POpuLAR, deSIRED for WHAT i WAS.
NOW i SEE my FOLly then, HAting THEIR applause."
These two flow very nicely together (I've taken the liberty of capitalizing what I feel like are the stressed syllables [decapitalized the I's to avoid confusion]). However, they're followed by this:
"They CAN'T see IT'S not CRAFT[S]manSHIP, NOT his SKILL."
You can /feel/ that the flow is broken after the comma, and looking at stressed syllables, I get the feeling it's probably because the final syllable of 'craftsmanship' receives (minor) stress, while the 'not' wants to be stressed as well (unless, of course, I'm reading this totally wrong). This creates a tension between the two parts of the line; for example, it might easily be fixed by making sure the second part of the sentence starts on a softer note, for example:
"They can't see it's not craftsmanship, can't see it's not his skill."
This way, you'd continue the precedent you set in the first two lines. There's several more places in the poem that this happens, too, so my advice might be to just read the poem out loud. This way, you'll automatically find the places where it just sounds/feels a little awkward. Of course, this might all have been an effect you were intentionally aiming for, and I've just completely missed the point. So for my (and your) time's sake I hope I did not, and I hope you got something out of this post, at least
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I'm glad you at least got the Carl Sagan influence there, as some others didn't seem to either know the line or make the connection.Β The thing is, yes, "we are all stardust", but we are combined bits of stardust, not motes and specks (though with reference the universe as a whole we are in scale).Β If Sol explodes as it is predicted to, then if by some chance humanity is not already fried by the heat and radiation and is surviving underground, we will be turned back to stardust once more when the expanding wave destroys Earth utterly.Β Gold being an element itself, and being what the narrator now is, doesn't rot, doesn't corrode, it is inert, it doesn't oxidize, it retains its beauty despite the torture of rain and salt and wind.Β Yes, it needs polishing, but unless it the narrator's transformed self is melted down, it would continue, even it separated into different pieces.Β The narrator is being overly dramatic, of course, as the sun exploding isn't needed for him to be destroyed, but being unable to move or say anything...Β Wouldn't it feel like eternity?Β Like it would take something so forceful to be released from the prison of his form?
I can see how you're looking at it with stressed syllables, and with that in mind, I understand and understood that it needed more work to be a more fixed form poem.Β I'm not really much of a poet, leaning more to prose.Β However, when I was reading the piece, I wasn't putting stress on the individual syllables so much as stress on the specific words that were key having their first syllable stressed.Β Not quite proper, I know.Β It is, however, how I was able to get it at least to this level if not further.Β I've read it a few times aloud, and I know it's not strictly kosher, but given the time constraint it is what I have for now at least.Β I'll probably come back later to it when I can actually figure out how to fix it better.
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I did not, in fact, have a problem with the distinct meaning of that final line; it was certainly clear to me that he will be at last free when he, and all other things, have been reduced to (star)dust once again (be it through the explosion of the sun or otherwise). I do, however, agree with PaperDart that putting some more detail into that bit might make it just that bit clearer. All just suggestions, though, so take from it what you will.
As with regard to the meter, I personally write a lot of freeform poetry, but even when doing freeform it's important that there's no dissonant bits of flow in your poem unless you specifically /want/ them to be there. If you find yourself revising the piece, feel free to hit me up if you'd ever like some suggestions on flow-related bits, and I might be able to help out somewhere
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I certainly would appreciate any assistance in that regard if you're offering any suggestions.
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Would it help if I just replied with which lines I personally felt flowed awkwardly? That way you can have another look at it yourself, and if you're having trouble then, I'll try to help out and drop a suggestion
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Hmm, that last rhyme seems a bit forced. There's a lot of words that rhyme with stardust... artist isn't really one of them. Don't be shy about using a rhyming dictionary.Β www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?β¦
There's also a very minor issue that the poem doesn't seem to have any particular kind of rhythm, the number of syllables in each line doesn't seem to have any connection to any other line. I suppose it's not all that important, seeing as it's poetry and not a song, but every bit of extra effort helps.
Now then, story-wise... it was certainly interesting. Trapped inside of a statue while people applaud has to seriously suck. But I'm not actually sure where Midas comes into this. He could be the artist, or the man in the statue, or not really connected to the story at all, seeing as we're only talking about his legacy and fame (which don't necessarily have anything to do with him personally).
All in all, this is some good work and i'd like to see more from you. Good show!
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Actually, stardust π: 0 β©: 1
I put it in free verse because it isn't a fixed form, and while a more consistent syllable number per line could be done, it isn't forcefully constrained to the point of being awkward to read.Β At least to me, as my attempts to find a more consistent syllable number per line or per alternating line kept coming out more awkwardly than it seems to be.Β If you have any specific suggestions I might not have considered, please by all means let me know.
I'm not sure where the confusion is with regard to Midas, if you know the story that is.Β As King Midas' touch turned things to gold, people have always said that someone who could turn something into gold or take something mediocre and make it very profitable as having 'the Midas touch'.Β In the poem, I took that somewhat literally as 'Midas' legacy', as the artist has turned the subject into a golden statue, which the subject is futilely trying to tell people is far too detailed to be artistic skill, and that the subject is trapped.
Hm. I guess i don't understand soft rhymes.
For this sort of thing, i would probably try to make each rhyming pair have a similar length so that it rolled off the tongue, so to speak. Although it's not strictly necessary, and it does get a bit forced.
Well, there is some ambiguity here (A good thing! A little ambiguity is good!) and while it's pretty clear what's supposed to be happening (con man acts as a sculptor and shows off golden statues that used to be people) but i was a little unclear as to whether the artist himself actually was Midas. After all, Midas is probably the only guy who would never, ever be wanting for cash. And really, isn't the ability to turn things into gold worth showing off in and of itself? Jeeze man you didn'tΒ have to be so pointlessly cruel to turn a man into a statue what's wrong with you.
(I think about these things okay)
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It's not Midas himself, hence Midas' Legacy, not Midas' Hand.Β Just that the ability itself was the same.Β As for the sculptor's cruelty, it's ala the old darkness of mythology and fairy tales, not the toned down versions.Β Rapunzel, for example, had the prince become blind from ending up in thorns after Rapunzel was forced into the wilderness on her own, and he found her when she was singing and her tears healed him.Β A nice ending eventually, but pretty gruesome leading up to it.Β A lot of old stories were like that.
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Ah, I have heard of the original Grimm fairytales. But the characters, specifically the villains, still have motivations. Just being cruel for cruelty's sake is stupid! After all, if there's a socially acceptable and -easier- way to get what you want, then villain isn't just evil- they're also a giant flaming idiot. So I do have to ask- under what circumstances would it be a better idea to encase a man in gold and show him off rather than showing off whatever it is that turns things into gold?
Plus, gold is SOFT, man- how would you transport a golden statue from place to place okay i am overthinking this
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Motivation known to the villain isn't necessarily known to the victim, in this case, the narrator.
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True, but the man certainly has time to think.
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At least he will have.Β Thus far he's being unveiled to the public, so he can't have been trapped for too terribly long yet.
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I don't see anything wrong, I think it's nice
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