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Grayfox22 In reply to NicuXxX [2012-12-02 04:37:57 +0000 UTC]

I know that feeling. when i feel like cutting, Papa Roach always helps. even after i cut, their music makes me feel better. Stay strong, sister!

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2012-07-13 04:07:10 +0000 UTC]

question-youve stopped cutting. what do you do instead? i cant seem to kick the....habbit.

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-07-13 04:18:38 +0000 UTC]

Truth is, I still self-mutilate...

I didn't realize it until a month ago when I was talking about it with my friends. I have acne on my upper arms, face, back and chest, and I pick and pick and pick at that. It wasn't easy at all for me to stoop cutting, but it was possible because I had something to replace it.
A good technique for me, especially when I needed to cut in public, was having elastic bands on my wrists at all times and snapping myself when I needed it. (The smaller ones hurt the most BTW) Slowly, i just sort of kept telling myself that I need to stop, and I learned to channel my anger and depression in better ways.

I guess what hepled the most is having a former addict as an idol. Ville Valo was an alcoholic for fifteen years, and watching him get sober and become a stronger person because of it helped me realize that I' better than that. With the picking... well, I guess I'll have to start back at square one and take this journey again until I'm truely better. In the meantime, I wish you luck in yours<3

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2012-07-13 04:22:08 +0000 UTC]

thanks. i dont know....i mean. ive tried many times to stop but...its hard you know? im sort of an addict about it and several other things. and i already pick at my acne. i guess i cant replace it with that. ive tried the rubber band thing but even after that, ive gone so far as to not make it through a sleepover with my friends. i would start cutting at her house. my therapist is trying to help me, but she cant always be there. its really hard.....

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-07-13 04:36:09 +0000 UTC]

I understand completely, and I'm willing to talk whenever I can. It's not easy, and it is an addiction. Really, it's not healthy to replace your addictions, you're still going to have one in the end. We all have additions, but when you have an addictive personality like me, anything can captivate you.

I wouldn't recommend relying on a therapist. They can help some people, but I have bad experiences with a school councellor, so I see them all negatively now. (The councellor was one of the people who drove me to cut in the first place.)

The best thing I could ever recommend for you is to look inside yourself and address why you do it in the first place.

For me, I have anxiety and OCD; cutting to me was a nightly ritual when I had no one to talk to. It helped to be with friends a lot and indulge myself in their support. Part of having OCD is not ritualizing when preoccupied.

I would really have to know you better to assess you further, from one cutter to another. When, where, and why do you cut? What do you feel before/during/after? And most importantly, what feelings in you drive you to this behaviour?

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2012-07-13 04:48:42 +0000 UTC]

an addict will always be an addict. we never change.

my first therepist kida made me cut too. i have an attachment disorder and couldnt bare to change schools. to leave her. ive gotten atached to EVERY SINGLE school counsler, and have had over a dozen outside school therapists/

my parents, my life (ive been molested, and sexualized since a very young age. ive been abused my whole life. physical, sexual and emtional)

i have something like OCD or maybe aspegers or something. i dont know, i need to do just about the same thing everyday. i cant handle change. if anything is out of order or doesnt follow the plan, i cant handle it. wheather its in school, home or at a friends house, i gotta release it. i have to make it somewhat right.

i cut usually at night, ive been blessed with insomnia, so im up a lot. most nights i dont get any sleep at all. i usually cut in my bedroom, if i cant (like at school or a friends house) i go into the bathroom, somewhere alone. if i really cant get out of class i do it right at my desk, drag a pair of scrissors out and just rub until im bleeding. i dont do it with scicors often. i cut because of the abuse, and my day-to-day life is emensly stresful. i feel better normally after i cut or during. anything can drive me to do anything, pretty much. ive tried burning, cutting, picking at ance, everything.

i have been digonsed with an attachment disorder, anxeity disoreder. im pretty sure that i have deslexia, asthma or a sort, and a bunch of other things "wrong" with me

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-07-17 02:00:49 +0000 UTC]

First of all, there is nothing "wrong" with you just because you have emotional disorders.

Secondly, the most important thing I realized that helped me stop was that cutters HATE crying and expressing emotion, that's why we cut. We are numb to the bullshit of the world as a defence and the only pain we can let ourselves feel, is the only pain we can control.

The need for control is the HUGEST(word?) part of why we do the things we do, especially when it comes to self-mutilation. In your case, you were victimized and lost your sence of control and in a way, a piece of your self-respect, so you sacrifice one to regain the other in an attempt to make everything seem alright again. I assume that be asking for help, you realize that this is not the way to make things better, but rather, another ailment.

The first thing you need to know before trying to stop is knowing when you are about to do it. Most of us just have the urge, grab the blade, and take care of the need. Instead, try to stop in between the urge and the blood and think, more importantly TALK to anybody that will listen.

For me, I was able to stop when, instead of cutting, I could talk to people who really cared about me, people who help me break down this barier I had that kept me from crying.

I still hate to cry, especially as a male, but I also know that emotions ARE NOT A HANDICAP!!! Crying may emasculate me, but it's much healthier than cutting myself, so I'm not afraid to do it anymore.

The thing to remember most is to stay strong and keep in touch with yourself. Don't let anyone pick you apart and tell you shit about yourself that you should have figured out years ago, be yourself and proud, and be honest. And above all, talk!

When you're at your friend's house and you need to cut, tell her about it. I'm sure that as your friend, she will understand and help you the best she can because freinds are always concerned about one another. Just keep talking and you'll find that there are a lot of people who care about you far more than you realize.

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2012-07-17 03:40:04 +0000 UTC]

its that i want something to be wrong with me. my brain in some way, thinks that if i have something "wrong" with me people will love me because they have to.

i express my emtions a lot. half the time im crying in school. around my friends, in class. i cry WAY to much. but i still cut. i cut at home. i mean, i cut at school too, but mostly at home. my parents.....i cant be myself around them. ive tried talking to them but they just brush me off. my friends dont understand me as much as youd think. i really need to get some people around me who really care. but if i tell my friends i cut, they applaud me and hug me telling me "youre so strong to have waited SO long to cut. keep it up" they are really no help. the only person i really feel like i can be myself around is...my therapist. because of my attachment disorder i dont think i could possibly bare to lose her. i have to see her....she is the closest thing to a mom ive had my whole life.

Of course i know emtions arent handicas, everytime im around my friends, i over-exaderate my emtions. just to see if they will react or notice that somethings up. they never do. ive tried just about everything to....to fit in, to be loved, to stop cutting, ive tried so hard. for everything....no one listens to me or pays attention. and if they do they will make fun of me. ive had it hard, but not as hard as many. i have to remind myself they i have it pretty good compared to some of the people out there, just to get up in the morning. if i dont...sometimes i just stay in bed. my parents dont notice though. they just figure im being lazy. half the time i am just plain tired of life. ive tried to end my a couple times, i think about it every day. for now, im fine. i am going to have a sleepover with one of my "friends". thats something to look forward to, for now

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sammyyboyy In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-09-11 02:44:32 +0000 UTC]

i know that im just now joining this conversation but i wanted to say that im also here if you need some one to talk to

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Rushlovesleah In reply to sammyyboyy [2012-12-21 22:11:09 +0000 UTC]

thanks. it helps...have you ever heard of Munchhausen syndrome?

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sammyyboyy In reply to Rushlovesleah [2013-01-14 22:26:02 +0000 UTC]

yeah what about it?

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Rushlovesleah In reply to sammyyboyy [2013-02-04 00:13:11 +0000 UTC]

i have it.....sorta. not diagnosed, but i can tell

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-07-24 01:44:24 +0000 UTC]

Your case is VERY strange in my expirience. I really don't knw how to help you much further other than what I'm about to say. It's going to sound a bit mean, but I'm just a frank person, so take no personal offence.

Obviously you are seeking attention from everyone you know. This is likely because you feel unheard or even unloved by the people who were once close to you. Instead of breaking down in front of them all the time, maybe try communicating your thoughts and feelings to them in a more rational manor. At least then, someone will hear what you have to say instead of writting it off as another episode.

Also, if you have friends that honestly endorse your self-mutilation, then you need to stop talking to them because that will only fuel you in the end.

It's clear to me that the people around you, including yourself at times, don't understand the severity and underlying causes to why you do the things you do. They're doing what most of us would, they're sick of hearing the same things over and over, so they tune out. One of the reasons I hate councellors is because they'll sit and "listen" but they won't really help you with anything; and really bad ones will just sit back and judge you. If you want to be heard and taken seriously about what's on your mind, you need to present yourself as a mature individual that can be heard.

lastly and most importantly, the only reasons I caould think of for why you would "want" something to be "wrong with you" is because 1) your history of abuse has caused you to devalue yourself to the point where you feel unworthy of health and consequently you seek help solely for someone to talk to, and have no real intention of resolving your ailments.
or 2), you feel unloved, unheard and invisible, so you over-react to everything in your life to seek and aquire whatever attention you can get, no matter how negative.

Those things sound incredibly bitchy, but I don't intend to hurt you with my words. If you truely want to get better, you need to treat the ailment and not the symptom. Self-mutilation is a symptom of something deeper and so are all these other things you present. first yu need to see how many layers this situation actually has, then find the deepest one and work your way up to the surface. It's the only thing I can tell you anymore since your case differs so much from mine...

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2012-12-21 22:14:37 +0000 UTC]

thanks. i have stopped cutting for now, i dont really remeber how or why i stopped but the point is im doing better now. the main reason why i tell everyone everything is because i want them to care for me and look out for me. im seaking love, because most of my life i never got any. that longing that i have will never go away and i will have it my whole life. i cut mostly so that i could tell others, it neverbothered me.

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-12-28 08:13:54 +0000 UTC]

Well, I'm glad to hear you're done for now and maybe for good. I had a few relapses in the beginning, but the point is I stopped and you can too, especially since you recognize the core of the issues at hand. Just keep talking and you'll find someone. if all else fails, I'm always willing to lend an ear. Keep strong and you'll go far.

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2013-02-04 00:29:15 +0000 UTC]

ya im sorta relapsing again....but not in the same way as before

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2013-02-04 15:58:51 +0000 UTC]

Well, at least it's different...

Identify your reasons and try again. No one is perfect, it takes time. All we can do is try, all I did was try and after a year or so it worked.

I still have to try, but my reasons not to cut surpass my weaknesses and lack of will to stop. It's not easy by any means, so be proud you've gotten as far as you have, even if you don't stay, because you can try again and get a bit farther next time; like a really hard side-scroller game.

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2013-05-03 19:23:19 +0000 UTC]

now im getting suspended all the time. i dont really think this is better than cutting

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2013-05-04 01:02:05 +0000 UTC]

Anything is better than hurting yourself. You have communication issues, but once you learn to talk and not cut, it's hard transitioning to a normal means of expression. Put yourself out there gently and if you have to leave, it's OK to do that.

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2013-05-19 19:35:12 +0000 UTC]

im going to end up killing myself because now im just digging my own grave.

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2012-08-30 03:08:38 +0000 UTC]

thank you for your advice. im a blunt person too so i took no offense. and quite honestly it was nice to hear the truth straight out instead of sugarcoating information. i went to a camp and actually got a lot out and figured out how to be more productive in my life. i thank you again for you advice, and its nice to have a real truth in something.

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-08-30 12:45:03 +0000 UTC]

AWWE!! Flattering! I was beginning to think I pissed you off since you didn't answer for so long, but I didn't regret anything I said.

I'm glad you're finally taking steps in the right direction. The absolute best advise I can give you, something I wish I had had when I was getting better, is a friend going through the same thing. Together, you can make twice the progress as you would being alone, because there is always someone who understands<3

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2012-08-30 20:55:56 +0000 UTC]

oh yeah sorry about not answering for a while. i was getting really busy and i went away to camp for a while. its nice to hear the truth every once in a while, everyone always sugarcoats it ya know? there is always strength in numbers (not to sound too cheesy!)

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-08-31 02:46:58 +0000 UTC]

In cheese there is truth! My shitty advise ought to be enough for you to figure that out<3

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2012-09-01 21:22:00 +0000 UTC]

oh come on now, it was all full of shit! there was point or two that was helpful.....wait who are you?





heeehee

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-09-04 00:45:59 +0000 UTC]

I meant what I said and it was all true, just trying to be funny (ya know, haha...)

Who am I? Hmmm German-American, TH & HIM fan, Bisexual, the list goes on and on. (Avatars are links to profile pages ya know...)

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2012-12-21 22:10:31 +0000 UTC]

hey sorry i fell off the radar....i fogrot i had a computer. and i also forgot what we were talking about completely....

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2012-12-28 08:14:16 +0000 UTC]

eh, shit happens...

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Rushlovesleah In reply to Novvaik [2013-02-04 00:13:33 +0000 UTC]

ya. i dont really check my dA anymore. sorry

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Novvaik In reply to Rushlovesleah [2013-02-04 16:02:16 +0000 UTC]

iz ok...

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