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(r)evolutions
Published: 2015-10-30 06:30:37 +0000 UTC; Views: 1328; Favourites: 48; Downloads: 0
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Description
body div#devskin0 hr { }
I am flock anew
hungerswift birds, black drastic
eyes pressed against the light of morning
until
I am sundown child, pacing the borderline
between rotations
rising up in glass boxes
high above the sinew of the earth
building in broad strokes of narrow genius
'til a toppling down
I am the flat fall, the empty net
the desolate day
breathing dry upheaval into lungs thick with need,
eyes cupped against dark of night
living in its terrifying glory
and fear
I am flock anew, hungerswift
drastic eyes until the borderline
rising glass earth, building flat and desolate
breathing need, eyes in terrifying fear
I am flock
black birds pressed between sinew
earth toppling, desolate
living 'til the narrow morning
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Comments: 26
I want to like this poem more than I do, but I get derailed, and sort of stay that way, at the line "building in broad strokes of narrow genius." The line doesn't mean much to me.
the 'til a toppling down' disrupts the mood. I think it and the next line can be combined and preserve more of the tone.
The flat fall on until 'lungs thick with need' get me back, almost, but I think a really strong concrete image is needed to show the terror of the night.
The last four lines are wonderful. I don't feel like this poem needs much, but maybe one really really well placed evocative bit of concrete imagery and some teasing lines together.
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Yeah, that's a valid criticism.
This was an experiment that came about from writing/editing a different poem where I ended up rearranging lines and it became an entirely different message. That made me want to try something contained within one poem to see if I could have a sort of devolving and chaotic semicircular structure and have it add something of value to the overall piece. Because of that, it was as much about trying the pseudo structure as it was about the message for me when writing this. The broad strokes line has a meaning but I'm not sure I did enough to get that meaning out of my head and onto the page. I'll think on how I might tidy it up.
Thanks muchly for the feedback.
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I would like to see the end result of your tidying.
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This sort of reminds me of this animation:
lumoswold.deviantart.com/art/T…
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Yeah I can see the association. That's an interesting animation.
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i'm still stuck on how perfect these line breaks are.
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thanks so much; line breaks are something I've worked on to get better
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this is honestly one of the best things i think i've ever read on this website and i have chills
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That's so sweet of you to say; thank you so much!!
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thank you kindly mr. root
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