spoonfork [2003-12-09 16:31:41 +0000 UTC]

Lovely use of language and the way the poem goes full circle without spoiling with repetition fantastic although I was left wondering more?

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

krissie [2003-12-07 16:26:14 +0000 UTC]

i miss the colours already. today is a dry sunday. i don't have anything constructive or witty to say, just wanted to let you know i read it and enjoyed muchly.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

littleredelf [2003-11-18 06:52:11 +0000 UTC]

for me
it smacks of
funeral processions
tiresome aerobics for god
and the endless dreary supplicant deeds
that surround worship and burial.
to sweeten breaths of teeth
that tie some other god's neck
in candied I-love-you-knots
that bit is tasty . . .

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

crimsonlarko [2003-11-16 11:45:59 +0000 UTC]

aahhh. this is a nice change of pace for me tonight.

this knocked me off my feet. i honestly could not find a single flaw in this. and the final stanza is just wonderful.

nice stuff man.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

PerpetuallySmiling [2003-11-15 05:31:34 +0000 UTC]

You've progressed well since you first put the unfinished version out. It's a very good read, everytime I've read it. It's a keeper. Thanks for sharing.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

undesireable [2003-11-14 21:06:15 +0000 UTC]

garden of purification.

eh?

mmm, we need one.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

blacklaceheart [2003-11-14 04:57:31 +0000 UTC]

I wanna put this poem in a vase and set it by the window in my kitchen.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

livingbyair [2003-11-14 00:43:08 +0000 UTC]

'I-love-you-knots'

^that's just awesome

and in general, the entire poem is a great example of the use of hyphens.

this is probably my most favored work of yours! keep it up!

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

infaredfog [2003-11-13 21:40:02 +0000 UTC]

I'm hoping today will be a dry sunday for me.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

undefinability [2003-11-13 20:37:36 +0000 UTC]

The combination between the first and last stanza, you blended those well. I enjoyed how the first exactly the opposite than the second, however, in some aspects, they both meant exactly the same.
Makes you think, if you care to contemplate the two.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

pathetical [2003-11-13 20:34:58 +0000 UTC]

Man, I'm getting the weirdest feeling of deja vu on the whole dry sunday thing. Did you post that in your journal or in some instapoetry thing somewhere, or am I tripping?

Seriously, though. I like the first three stanzas a lot. I'm not sure about the ending- I'm kind of undecided as to whether I hate it or it's good.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

tranquilrain [2003-11-13 18:31:09 +0000 UTC]

i like the second stanza the best, interesting images and connections.

i also like the repition/connection of the first and last stanzas, nice.

so over all, i like it, very much so.

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

vglory [2003-11-13 17:08:13 +0000 UTC]

beguiling, but in the end, a tad ambiguous IMHO.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

carissima82 [2003-11-13 15:22:10 +0000 UTC]

i like how the beginning and end hold the middle together.

Pay mints
to sweeten breaths of teeth
that tie some other god's neck
in candied I-love-you-knots.
--that's great stuff right there. wonderful word play.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1

adanceinthedark [2003-11-13 14:30:17 +0000 UTC]

good stuff

👍: 0 ⏩: 0

chode-09 [2003-11-13 13:58:06 +0000 UTC]

Interesting, like I said to you I thought that this was about entering a church service or valentines day.
Now that you explained it, it makes more sense,

Hinging on blind corners
see-through sands
forshadow will-be forgotten
events:

^Is my favourite stanza, but the whole thing is exquisite.

I love the imagery in the second stanza about the teeth and the candied love that will no doubt make them rot, very interesting undertow.

Nice.

👍: 0 ⏩: 1