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nihilim — Turtle Rot Soup
Published: 2003-11-11 11:45:14 +0000 UTC; Views: 454; Favourites: 3; Downloads: 102
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Description
.Ticks and bones
are food enough
for thoughts made
on old times - but
it isn't safe.
There.
But here
warmth is an envelope
to wrap your hope in
and send yourself.
Perhaps
there will be rest.
More than barter.
An eye goes north from south,
the other way too.
Beneath silver lants
turns tell what is best
unknown.
Walk away late.
Bang—
head, heat.
Wrong -
refract this way,
that. Two headed snake
escape.
Locked from inside, a
bolted light. Touch his - mind
you, it is not him.
Charged a dollar
and two cents more -
couldn't bring
to table.
Dirt cleans
flat sediments
on sight,
laying felt words
on a napkin, placing
matted words
soaked in hair -
stuck,
to lie
faced.
.
Comments: 39
First two stanzas and I was ready to fav this one, but then it kinda lost it's way. It becomes more fractured, lots of punctuation, and quite hard to follow.
I got so much out of the first two stanzas had massive expectations as I read on. So i didn't quite live up to them but that you managed to raise them in the first place is to your credit.
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this poem makes a bumpy path in my head. in a good way.
laying felt words
on a napkin, placing
matted words
soaked in hair - loved that part. it's all vivid, placed out in the way that seems like crabs walking - hesitant but crawling on with many legs. whew. good stuff.
(oh, and there's an orange sunset at my window right now, just though i'd share)
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we had a pink one yesterday, so there.
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I agree with ~bleedingpairs.
This piece is an excellent example of how to use such elements as imagery and what I often refer to as 'perceptual layers'. By cleverly avoiding Complete* clarity, the author makes it possible for the reader to not only realize the AUTHORS intended meaning, but formulate his/her own interpretation of the piece. Depth and mystery in my opinion go hand in hand.
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Thank you for your insight. Too bad you can't read this now. Now why did someone that could leave a comment like this go and get banned?
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um, yeah, everything has already been said (mostly) to you by me through other means. so i'll just say I like it, and if i think of anything else, i shall be sure to throw it your way.
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That doesn't sound very optimistic.
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wasn't meant to sound pessimistic, i've already told you my critque for this poem. and i can't think of anything else to say about it, but if i do, i will tell you...
:/ sorry about the comment sounding not good.
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your use of hyphens in this is particularly effective.
I agree with ~ExitDust that my favourite stanza are the last two. particularly the penultimate.
i dont know ... my brains inexplicable prediliction towards violent and bloody ideas recently could indicate i am slightly more insane/psychotic than i used to be. actually, gives me an idea for some writing ... might let it stew, dont know if it would be well recieved. hmmm....
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Fuckit, go for it.
I like hyphens - does it show?
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the last two stanzas are the best. ESPECIALLY the last one. powerful and intruiging. as always, it's a tough work to follow, but it brings out the best in one's search for a deeper meaning.
thanks.
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You're welcome - and thank you too.
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it's like an oddly turning road. 👍: 0 ⏩: 1
i rather like it.
sorry i'm not more critical or interesting.
Excuses only excuse you from yourself.
I feel your pain, however - I'm just making fun.
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I like poems that screw around with how the reader is supposed to interpret it by playing with the sentence structure (but not to the point of tedium and disorientation).
I feel the poem could have done with a little bit more awry lines, but the amount, I find, is always a delicate balance that the writer must feel for and find. I think you did a good job. Also, in contrast to ~livingbyair, I didn't feel the poem was long enough. But I've already fav'd it, so, too late now...
...Eh, I'm just not good at commenting...
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Your comment was fine - thank you for it.
"Awry" is a good word.
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"Ticks and bones
are food enough
for thoughts made
on old times - but
it isn't safe.
There."
- I like how you separated "safe" and " there", but it is still a part of one sentance. How the reader can interpret it either way was a great way to end the stanza. Like, "it isn't safe there", or "it isn't save. There, right there," I like that most of all.
I guess that's it. I have a headache.
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Thanks for the observation - hope you're better.
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the fate of all who once went to the roller rink. they're all freaks, i remember going in there once, and after talking about that once guy, it resurfaced from my memories, and that horrifieng place came back to my thoughts. damn you.
(don't ask why it was so dramatic for me, it just was)
defanatly a contour of a Boringaner.
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Haven't read any comments but I'll give my two, possibly one and a half cents.
Very good. I like the way you can twist words.
Bang—
head, heat.
Wrong -
refract this way,
that. Two headed snake
escape.
That especially.
-----
on old times - but
it isn't safe.
There.
But here
I think the but's don't go well together. But...........but - kinda chunky.
-----
Also, is "lants" just the author's creative liscence (I HATE spelling that word), or is it acctually a word? - didn't register on dictionary.com
Anyways good piece, could use some work but is good w/o any. I like.
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'lants' is a word - I looked it up myself, on dictionary.com, too! Don't need be registered.
It could use work - I was lazy.
The 'but's were intentional - if it didn't work, it didn't work.
Thanks for the thoughts, duder.
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Somehow I thought you used the "buts" intentionally, that's cool, they weren't THAT bad.
Oh, and yeah you're right - lants is a word - [link]
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Nope. Gimme time. Plan on getting movies tomorrow - I'll try to remember.
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Yeah somehow I thought the "buts" were intentional. That's cool - they're not THAT bad.
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i don't know what to say without sounding like i'm humping your leg. i am continually impressed by your work, and this piece is no exception. i wouldn't shorten it, i think the later verses are just as important to the poem as the beginnings.
the second verse really caught my eye, i love the feeling of it.
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Humping is good. Healthy for the heart. Never lose your passion!
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As long as the humping doesn't interefere with everyday life... Like bungee jumping. You don't want someone humping your leg while bungee jumping.
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Another delightfully abstract piece, nihilim. You always manage to hide the meaning cleverly with wonderful pieces of symbolism and imagery. Excellent.
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Hiding is what I do best! (notice the 'hermit' reference in the description. I love hermit crabs.)
And please - call me Iain!
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Will do, master...I mean...Iain.
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Murrrr.. you know when you walk into a room, and you see someone, and they look interesting, so you go and talk to them... and they surpass your expectations? The title looked interesting, the poem surpassed my expectations.
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I think this poem might be about that kind of person.
I don't know, however.
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i think i'd like it more so if it was shortened.
I really liked the first two stanzas and the title is just awesome but it seemed to more i read the less i got from it. I think there may be too much going on...i'm just blind. it's all good - It's early and I'm just being nieve, I'm sure.
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Wrote it mostly in reverse. Shoulda stopped when I was in the lead?
Too much going on - a valid critique of most anything I write.
Naive? Welcome to the club.
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