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Description
I posted this May 3rd to Tumblr, but never got around to posting it here... 'til today. Hate to be so somber, but it is Memorial Day...

I did an initial post for people who just wanted the artwork with this as the description:

When Steven Universe Future’s finale anniversary came around a while back, I didn’t think I could relay just how much the show and community meant to me, and how much it helped me (and still helps, in a lot of ways). I’m still not sure if I can. I’m better at expressing my feelings through art rather than words, so here’s my thanks, to the show, and to all of you.
And then did a reblog with more context, but I don't have that luxury on dA, so here's the part that I added as a reblog:

I’m adding this as a reblog and not on the actual post so that if people want to just reblog the image they can.
Lotta emotional rambling below. Content warning for death.…Okay, for some context; toady is an important day for me, and since I couldn’t quite string together anything coherent for SUF’s anniversary, I’m doing it today instead.
To make a very long story very short, on this day last year, my mother passed away.

How exactly SU ties into this is where the story stops being so short. Hrm… where to even begin with this one…

SUF was airing it’s second set of episodes at around the same time Mom was in hospice. For the uninitiated, this basically means the person has accepted death and is just waiting around to take their last breath. Pessimistic take maybe, but a realistic one in my experience. She had been given a stage four cancer diagnosis for a growth near her lungs a few years prior, and in very early 2020 decided to stop chemo and enter hospice. She stayed at home for most of this time, with a short gap in a facility due to another spurt of caner on her spine (which I had noticed and told her to go get checked out a month before she went to the ER for severe back pain, but alas that’s quite literally a long dead horse).

For a majority of her hospice, and even before her hospice, I was the one taking care of her. My sister works, by brothers both have their own lives and families (they’re both about two decades older than me) and my dad is ten years older than my mom was, so I was really the only one able to do it. After the ER visit she couldn’t really do much for herself, and in the last two months I was doing literally everything for her (yes, that includes diaper changes, and in the last few weeks, feeding too). I was still in college at the time, so if I wasn’t taking care of her, I was doing schoolwork. I did that for about 6 months.

It was exhausting.

There’s a scene from ‘In Dreams’ that really resonated with me when I first saw it. Steven is chasing after this distorted dream version of Peridot, pouring his heart out about how tired he is, how his obsession with helping others is so ingrained into his life that he’s doing it in his sleep, and that he just wants a break. I don’t think I’ve ever had a piece of media so accurately pinpoint where my headspace was.

And this wasn’t the first time the show had done this either, just the most recent.

Steven as a character is someone I’ve always found relatable, specifically his complex relationship with his mother. She’s not a bad person, or a good person, just someone who has done a lot of bad things and a lot of good things. He has no clue how to feel about her. You can tell that he wants to be angry with her, and there’s times where he expresses those feelings, but there’s a sense of longing there too. I have a feeling that if he was given the chance to talk to her, to hug her, and hold her, and get to know her, he would do so.

I saw a lot of parallels between Rose and my own mom; someone who doesn’t seem to intentionally hurt others but through their natural personality, mental illness and trauma, end up doing so. (Kinda ironic how similar they are, considering that she hated that me and my sister loved the show so much.) The key difference between them being that I could at least see where Rose was trying to improve. People in real life aren’t always so quick to change, unfortunately.

When I got that little blue pamphlet, 'Out of My Sight’, and the reality of 'Oh fuck, this is actually happening’ started to set in, I wasn’t really sure how to feel. I’m still unsure. It’s a bit surreal to have someone say that one of your parents is going to die, and all you can do is just wait and watch. What does all of this extra care even matter then, if it’s just waiting game? Why bother with the bathing, and changing, and feeding (especially when the answer to 'Are you hungry/thirsty?’ is always a 'No’). Even worse is seeing everyone but you fall apart over it.

It’s not that I didn’t care, or that I don’t care now, it’s that well… part of me, a really selfish part, maybe, was just relieved to have it be over. Finally one of my sources of stress and emotional trauma would be gone. I think that part is the one that dominated me for several months after that. Is it weird to not cry at a funeral? One for you own parent no less? I don’t know.

And what’s so bizarre is that there’s times when I do miss her, despite any previous transgressions. I just got back from an amazing vacation, and while I’m walking out of Savi’s Workshop with a shiny new lightsaber, for just a split second I thought, “Wow, Mom is gonna think this is so cool!”. And then the reality set in that I wouldn’t ever be able to show it to her. I guess I’m not quite as over it as I thought.

So much of what happened last year seemed like a dream, or like it was from twenty years ago. While I was in the thick of it, that hospice felt like it would never end. I might as well have been doing it for the rest of my life. But now that it’s a year behind me, I can hardly remember most of it.

SUF’s new episodes where pretty much the only thing I had to look forward to during the hospice situation. Come to think of it, SU was the only thing I had to look forward to for damn near all of 2019 and 2020. Art and animation have always been my go-to escape (with videogames as a solid second), and the longer SU ran, the more I related to it’s world and characters. I don’t think I’ll ever find a another piece of media quite like it.

This fandom really has been a God-send for me, especially within this last year. It’s a wonderful distraction. I can be fully engrossed in this little escape of mine and not be judged for it. There’s not enough words in the English language for me to say how much I appreciate all of you, and how much all your words of encouragement mean to me. I don’t think anything I can say or do will be enough to express my gratitude. (I guess I’ll have to keep settling for fanart).

Ah, well… I’ve rambled enough. Have a nice day.
He's reaching for Rose, by the way.

Description
I posted this May 3rd to Tumblr, but never got around to posting it here... 'til today. Hate to be so somber, but it is Memorial Day...

I did an initial post for people who just wanted the artwork with this as the description:

When Steven Universe Future’s finale anniversary came around a while back, I didn’t think I could relay just how much the show and community meant to me, and how much it helped me (and still helps, in a lot of ways). I’m still not sure if I can. I’m better at expressing my feelings through art rather than words, so here’s my thanks, to the show, and to all of you.
And then did a reblog with more context, but I don't have that luxury on dA, so here's the part that I added as a reblog:

I’m adding this as a reblog and not on the actual post so that if people want to just reblog the image they can.
Lotta emotional rambling below. Content warning for death.…Okay, for some context; toady is an important day for me, and since I couldn’t quite string together anything coherent for SUF’s anniversary, I’m doing it today instead.
To make a very long story very short, on this day last year, my mother passed away.

How exactly SU ties into this is where the story stops being so short. Hrm… where to even begin with this one…

SUF was airing it’s second set of episodes at around the same time Mom was in hospice. For the uninitiated, this basically means the person has accepted death and is just waiting around to take their last breath. Pessimistic take maybe, but a realistic one in my experience. She had been given a stage four cancer diagnosis for a growth near her lungs a few years prior, and in very early 2020 decided to stop chemo and enter hospice. She stayed at home for most of this time, with a short gap in a facility due to another spurt of caner on her spine (which I had noticed and told her to go get checked out a month before she went to the ER for severe back pain, but alas that’s quite literally a long dead horse).

For a majority of her hospice, and even before her hospice, I was the one taking care of her. My sister works, by brothers both have their own lives and families (they’re both about two decades older than me) and my dad is ten years older than my mom was, so I was really the only one able to do it. After the ER visit she couldn’t really do much for herself, and in the last two months I was doing literally everything for her (yes, that includes diaper changes, and in the last few weeks, feeding too). I was still in college at the time, so if I wasn’t taking care of her, I was doing schoolwork. I did that for about 6 months.

It was exhausting.

There’s a scene from ‘In Dreams’ that really resonated with me when I first saw it. Steven is chasing after this distorted dream version of Peridot, pouring his heart out about how tired he is, how his obsession with helping others is so ingrained into his life that he’s doing it in his sleep, and that he just wants a break. I don’t think I’ve ever had a piece of media so accurately pinpoint where my headspace was.

And this wasn’t the first time the show had done this either, just the most recent.

Steven as a character is someone I’ve always found relatable, specifically his complex relationship with his mother. She’s not a bad person, or a good person, just someone who has done a lot of bad things and a lot of good things. He has no clue how to feel about her. You can tell that he wants to be angry with her, and there’s times where he expresses those feelings, but there’s a sense of longing there too. I have a feeling that if he was given the chance to talk to her, to hug her, and hold her, and get to know her, he would do so.

I saw a lot of parallels between Rose and my own mom; someone who doesn’t seem to intentionally hurt others but through their natural personality, mental illness and trauma, end up doing so. (Kinda ironic how similar they are, considering that she hated that me and my sister loved the show so much.) The key difference between them being that I could at least see where Rose was trying to improve. People in real life aren’t always so quick to change, unfortunately.

When I got that little blue pamphlet, 'Out of My Sight’, and the reality of 'Oh fuck, this is actually happening’ started to set in, I wasn’t really sure how to feel. I’m still unsure. It’s a bit surreal to have someone say that one of your parents is going to die, and all you can do is just wait and watch. What does all of this extra care even matter then, if it’s just waiting game? Why bother with the bathing, and changing, and feeding (especially when the answer to 'Are you hungry/thirsty?’ is always a 'No’). Even worse is seeing everyone but you fall apart over it.

It’s not that I didn’t care, or that I don’t care now, it’s that well… part of me, a really selfish part, maybe, was just relieved to have it be over. Finally one of my sources of stress and emotional trauma would be gone. I think that part is the one that dominated me for several months after that. Is it weird to not cry at a funeral? One for you own parent no less? I don’t know.

And what’s so bizarre is that there’s times when I do miss her, despite any previous transgressions. I just got back from an amazing vacation, and while I’m walking out of Savi’s Workshop with a shiny new lightsaber, for just a split second I thought, “Wow, Mom is gonna think this is so cool!”. And then the reality set in that I wouldn’t ever be able to show it to her. I guess I’m not quite as over it as I thought.

So much of what happened last year seemed like a dream, or like it was from twenty years ago. While I was in the thick of it, that hospice felt like it would never end. I might as well have been doing it for the rest of my life. But now that it’s a year behind me, I can hardly remember most of it.

SUF’s new episodes where pretty much the only thing I had to look forward to during the hospice situation. Come to think of it, SU was the only thing I had to look forward to for damn near all of 2019 and 2020. Art and animation have always been my go-to escape (with videogames as a solid second), and the longer SU ran, the more I related to it’s world and characters. I don’t think I’ll ever find a another piece of media quite like it.

This fandom really has been a God-send for me, especially within this last year. It’s a wonderful distraction. I can be fully engrossed in this little escape of mine and not be judged for it. There’s not enough words in the English language for me to say how much I appreciate all of you, and how much all your words of encouragement mean to me. I don’t think anything I can say or do will be enough to express my gratitude. (I guess I’ll have to keep settling for fanart).

Ah, well… I’ve rambled enough. Have a nice day.
He's reaching for Rose, by the way.